Here I am at 3 in the morning. I tripped over cigarettes. Do I start a new quit date or just continue from where I was at and doing so well not smoking? I want to pretend this never happened. But in a way I am glad it did happen now. I stop and think how out of control I was and thinking a cigarette would help. I think at that meltdown moment the only thing that would have helped me is a baseball bat to my head. New years eve and I was crying because I hurt so bad. I went to bed and rested thinking sleep would help me focus. 2 hours later i get up determined i was going to go through the whole house to find one cigarette. Well i did find some really old ones. Six to be exact and I smoked them all. Oh i felt like a new person. New years day i bought 2 packs. I think i can keep them just in case. Kinda like having a drink now and then. A friend and i talked. Really a dumb idea. So i am formulating a plan. I have to know to talk to myself when i get wild. I didn't come on here because my excuse no one can help talk me out of this. I should have read, read, and read some more in the conversations. I bought the nicotine gum what are your thoughts on using it? Or the patches? Or should I maybe talk to my doctor about getting an anxiety medication? Trade one addiction for another. I am not one who likes to take pills. I just want to think these 2 days never happened and get back doing what I need to do. I have exercises. I think I am kind nuts because my surgery is in a few weeks. I am supposed to stop smoking. Oh my. Thank you all for being here. I am just spilling my thoughts to you all. I best go now. Until next time. Stay safe.