Today feels like a funeral for a (toxic) friend...

Discussion created by Ldizz on Dec 4, 2020
Latest reply on Dec 7, 2020 by Hannahkim12345

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Hi everyone - I'm new here, but my quit day is tomorrow. Today is my last day vaping, and in a weird way it feels like a funeral for a friend. I know vaping is bad for me, and I know I'm resolute in my reasons why I'm quitting - I want to have more children, I want to feel free from the stranglehold nicotine and my vape have on me, I want to live a healthier life where I respect my body and my mind more. But I can't help but think about how vaping has "been with me" through hard times in my life - that it's allowed me an escape from things that have felt so hard to deal with. In a way, it feels like a funeral for a friend, but I know that vaping was never really a friend at all. I know I need to find healthier ways to cope with my stress and anxiety, ways to entertain myself during long drives alone, ways to unwind and relax without it. But I can't help but feel like this is a very permanent close on a chapter that's been open the last few years of my life.

I'd really appreciate some support from all of you in the community - you who have been able to overcome and redefine your lives without nicotine, vaping, or smoking.

My emotions are complicated, and I'm committed, but I also have a weird sadness too that I can't quite understand.

Thank you all in advance for your compassion and support.

Outcomes

15 Replies

Thesegoto11 Dec 4, 2020 1:31 PM
I quit 11 years ago, so it feels a little awkward to give advice to someone who just recently made the decision. But, here are a few thoughts:
1. The overwhelming majority of people who smoke or vape want to stop.
2. Most are annoyed that something so trivial has such control over them.
3. Don't think of it as giving something up. It's actually a quest for freedom. Freedom from nicotine.
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- Ldizz @ Thesegoto11 on Dec 4, 2020 2:44 PM
  Thank you!! This is helpful Appreciate the perspective from someone who's been there.
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Senorstrike Dec 4, 2020 3:08 PM
LDIZZ,
I am on Day 4 free from nicotine. It's hard..no lie.. Harder than the last hundred times I tried to quit. This time I am using this support group for the extra help. I am also saddened by the loss of something that I thought supported me through tough times. I wrote it down in a blog yesterday and then someone told me that there a many people who feel the same way. Apparently there is a whole section with goodbye letters. Hmm.. and I thought I was the only one.
The message is- we are not alone. Nicotine was a fake friend that gave me what I thought was anxiety/stress relief while taking a time off of my life. I need these lungs to breath for the rest of my life and Nicotine was only damaging them. All the while masquerading in my mind as something comforting.
I wrote down why I smoked and then asked if things changed after I smoked. For me, the answer was no. When my kids were driving me crazy- I would smoke- go back inside- they still were acting up. ( they are awesome kids/adults..just an example)….. When my dad was sick.. I smoked a ton..he is still sick and I am still sad.
Smoking did not fix anything. I am staying strong this time and will not let Nicotine trick me back down that rabbit hole.

Hang in there. I am glad you got your feelings out. Thanks for sharing.
Leslie
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- Ldizz @ Senorstrike on Dec 4, 2020 3:14 PM
  Thank you thank you thank you for this note. I feel so much stronger now knowing there are so many others who have felt similarly, and have overcome. You're exactly right - nothing changes with the smoking. It doesn't fix anything. It doesn't solve anything. Maybe a goodbye letter is the right way to go. Leaning into this community also feels the right way to go. Thank you again so much for sharing this. I am deeply appreciative.
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  - Senorstrike @ Ldizz on Dec 4, 2020 3:23 PM
    No problem..I work M-Sat so its easier because you cant smoke anywhere near my office. Unfortunately, I am off this weekend and I am hoping I can get through it. Being at home with idle hands is a set up for disaster !! SO.. I have lots of stuff planned to keep me busy. I plan on coming by this site for support when I need it. Hopefully, when I am at least 30 days out, I can support someone else.
    We can do this !! No matter what we are going to do this !!
    Leslie
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- sweetplt @ Senorstrike on Dec 4, 2020 5:25 PM
  Senorstrike Leslie ... you helping others along this journey...is absolutely wonderful...it will help you so much...keep close to us...and I am so sorry about your dad being sick...Day 4 is super...Colleen
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sweetplt Dec 4, 2020 5:24 PM
Hi and Welcome to Ex’s...

I am quit 2 years...this was my third and last quit...the other two I lost to alcohol, so I avoided in the early days of my quit. This is what we have to do in the beginning of this journey. I read at My EX Plan | BecomeAnEX and planned for my quit date like no other. I read the blogs and posts at Ex’s and received help and offered encouragement to others. I got rid of all smoking paraphernalia the night before. I promised myself I would come here everyday for support and/or if the going got rough. I kept busy and had the cleanest house even before covid. I promised I would come here if I felt I was going to cave. I use the motto “NOPE” Not One Puff Ever. This journey is not easy, it takes hard work and commitment to yourself and your quit. We are here to help you...~ Have your quit kit The Quit Kit ready for tomorrow and try to keep it positive. Colleen
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Youngatheart.7.4.12 Dec 4, 2020 5:51 PM
Welcome to our community!

Congratulations on your decision to quit vaping. It's common sense that anything you put in your lungs that isn't clean air can't be good for you! You will need to substitute “vape” or “device” as you do the reading I will recommend. Research suggests nicotine may be as addictive as heroin and cocaine. Because vaping is available to you most anywhere, anytime, I believe it might be more difficult from which to break free than regular tobacco products - but it CAN be done! If you would like to use a quit aid and would like information on the various ones, let me know

I recommend that you educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind To that end, I suggest Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” . which can be found online or at your local library. Here is a video to inform you further about nicotine addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpWMgPHn0Lo&feature=youtu.be.

The idea is to change up your routines so the vaping associations are reduced. Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from where you vaped. Maybe switch to tea for a bit. If you always had that first puff with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to vape so the view is different. Take a different route when you are out and about so you aren't driving by your vaping supply shop.

You need to distract yourself through any craves. You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all),, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game. Keep a cold bottle of water with you from which to sip. Don't let that vaping thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits. Get busy! Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of vape if you need some fresh ideas:
https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instead-of-smoke

The conversation in your head in response to the "I want to vape" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?" Then DO it. You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.

Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!

Nancy
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Strudel Dec 4, 2020 6:14 PM
Welcome to the site. Congrats on deciding to quit! You are in a great place for support. Feeling a sense of loss is totally normal. I quit 10 years ago and this place was a BIG part of my success. You can do this!
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Hannahkim12345 Dec 4, 2020 9:11 PM
I haven’t read others replies so sorry if I’m repeating. I completely understand what you mean about saying goodbye. Although we know it was a “toxic” relationship it was there for us. We now need to find something healthier. Until I have the cravings under some control I’m not going to obsess about only eating healthy foods. For now I’m allowing myself hard candies when that crave hits. Popcorn, cheese snd lot of good teas. Just the fact that you made this paramount decision you deserve a congratulations. You sound committed and I think you are going to do very well. Believe in yourself!
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green1611 Dec 5, 2020 9:42 AM
Congratulations in advance for you quit.

You emotions are true and honest, I feel. It is not about why to quit smoking, that is almost every quitter has in mind, what is important is how ? how to quit. very very important.

You are in right group here. I quit seven years back, and I owe my gratitude to this group.

May be you can turn the coin in your hand and see the other side of it. Nicotine is not friend ! It is indeed, more than enemy... just think, you would agree. And once you quit, more you tend to agree that nicotine was not your friend but enemy...

All the best ! We are with you. Just shout !
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pamiam Dec 5, 2020 10:30 AM
Congratulations on your quit.:)
I have only recently quit and feel much better, life seems a little brighter and anxiety is definitely more manageable after the initial hump.
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Ldizz Dec 7, 2020 2:58 PM
Hi everyone - I feel like I owe it to all of you to provide an update. This weekend was certainly a learning experience but I feel it important to let you know that I failed in this attempt. A weekend marked by significant fighting with my spouse, and the stress of work taking over today, I was not able to find success. I feel extreme shame at my failure - I'm disappointed in myself and I'm disappointed I wasn't able to do this in spite of what seemed like my best effort. But what I learned from this was that this wasn't my best effort - I need to prepare myself better, and my resolve needs to be stronger.

I'm still committed to quitting, but I feel like I need to build myself a strong plan of action for my next quit date - what will I do when my home life is extremely stressful? How do I handle working from home, when my at home routine has so significantly included vaping within it. I know I need to write all of these things out, keep them visible, and keep myself motivated. Thank you for all your advice to date - I will carry it with me forward. My next quit date is 12/18. On 12/18, I'm off work until 1/3/2021. My kids will be in daycare most of that time. I will create myself a list of projects, will have time to nap if I'm tired, and can focus on time for self care.

Thank you all again. I'm still fighting.
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- Hannahkim12345 @ Ldizz on Dec 7, 2020 8:37 PM
  Don’t beat yourself up. That’s good that you already set a date. It sounds like a plan. You can do this. I’m finding out that if I set my mind to it I can do it. I have to tell myself there’s no other choice. Smoking will keep me in hell.
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indingrl.01.06.2011 Dec 7, 2020 3:57 PM
Thanks for sharing and it was SUGGESTED to ME to write a goodbye letter because MY lover and best friend was nicotine so I took the SUGGESTION and it HELPED ME - I am so glad YOUR nicotine free and CONGRATS 3 DOF
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Today feels like a funeral for a (toxic) friend...

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