redpepper

ugh

Discussion created by redpepper on Nov 22, 2020
Latest reply on Nov 23, 2020 by elvan

This is definitely depression trying to get in. I'm all too familiar, unfortunately. 

 

Cloudy, cold, rainy. 

 

I bought a paint set the first week of my quit. Maybe I will open it up. Also, I have work to do. Maybe I can get out of procrastination mode. Maybe I should go over to Mom's (just across the street now). Maybe I will read the novel that's on my nightstand... 

 

Incredibly, intolerably emotional with a swirling washing machine tumble brain. Everything feels wrong. Everything hurts (emotionalism). Way, way, way embarrassingly overly sensitive. Ugh. I do not like this. I came so, so, so, so close to buying smokes last night. To quell, I sat down with a pile of food and a documentary and just dug in to both. It passed, like ya'll have promised. But it looms. The cloud. It looms. ...Can I tolerate this life without my buddy? Will I get better? Ya'll say and show me: Yes! Yes! Yes!   

 

Seems like all I'm doing is trying to get past hours without cigarettes. I feel so selfish, self absorbed, self, self, self...Lazy, worthless, etc. Ugh. I can't live just counting the hours. Please tell me (I know it will) that this will stop. That I will feel like a good, productive world citizen once again someday. 

 

I will call a friend and ask about her, her life, her day, her well being. Will not talk about me.  

 

Thanks, yall. Gonna heat up some boiled cabbage I made. Then call her. Yum. 

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