lying to myself

Discussion created by gail3 on Aug 16, 2008
Latest reply on Aug 17, 2008 by jayne3
got an email from someone who says she's on day 90 and going for the "first day" of no smoking. good luck to her. i understand taking time for this. especially when the world does not want to help in that regard. i've been taking whole days to just work on this - or trying to. i still have to work, go to school, do chores, etc. but after 30odd years of this i think it takes awhile to undo all of it.

and i've been encouraged - especially today when a client said she didn't think i was a smoker. i hope i'm not. but am i lying to myself? i had a good week where i got down to 4 cigarettes and averaged 6 per day. but i can't seem to just get up and go without really being pulled to grab one. and i'm still getting fuzzy headed sometimes. walk into walls kind of thing, where i can't remember what the heck i was doing, going to do, ought to be doing.

so am i lying to myself and just making the motions? can i really get to the end point with this stuff? i don't know but i have a feeling someone does. i keep thinking about that phrase "weak willed, lily-livered", whatever that means, as meaning me. i wish someone would just push me over the edge, in other words, so i don't have to jump.