Yesterday was my quit day. My husband still smokes. How do I deal with that?
Hi and Welcome to Ex’s...owlets3
I am so happy you found our site. Congratulations on Day 1 ... turning into Day won...
I can only imagine how tough it is to quit when a spouse smokes. If you go to the right hand corner of this page, you will see a magnifier click on it and type in words “spouse smokes” and see what others have written to help with your situation.
I do know it is your quit and you can lead by example and ask your spouse to support you by smoking outside (basically not around you) and to hide all smoking paraphernalia from your site.
Also, I suggest you read at My EX Plan | BecomeAnEX if you haven’t already. Please keep close to the support site. We are here to help you through this journey...You Can Do It...Colleen 603 DOF
Welcome to the community!
I did the search and came up with this: https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/message/189650-re-whos-spouse-is-still-a-smoker?commentID=189650#comment-189650
The important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” This easy and entertaining read provided a world of good information about nicotine addiction, most of which I was not aware. I credit it in large part with my success at quitting. You can search for it online or at your local library.
You should also read the posts here and perhaps go to the pages of folks who you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com, quitsmoking.com and livewell.com for the good information contained there. @https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/best-of-ex has lots of blogs written by members of this site with their experiences and guidance. Here is a video to inform you further about nicotine addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpWMgPHn0Lo&feature=youtu.be.
After you have completed the recommended reading, it will be time to make an informed choice of the quit aid, if any, you will use. If you go that route, I personally recommend the aids that don't let the addict control the dose such as the available prescription drugs or the patch. If used properly, gum, lozenges and inhalers are fine, but they need to be used only as a last resort after you have tried to delay and distract. I have seen folks become addicted to them if they substitute them for every cigarette they used to smoke - just trading one addiction for another. You need to start out with a plan to reduce use of them over time - which the patch does by decreasing the dose contained in them.. For the gum, you can start by cutting each piece in half, then in quarters, then sub regular gum of the same flavor in between, adding more and more regular gum. For the lozenge, you need to start subbing a mint in between to begin, increasing the number of them over time. I do not recommend the e-cigarette for obvious reasons.
It will be informative if you do the tracking and separation exercises recommended here on the site. As you track each cigarette smoked, note its importance, and what you might do instead. Put each one off just a little to prove that you don't NEED a cigarette just because you think you do.
The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced. Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from when you smoked. Maybe switch to tea for a bit. If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different. Buy your gas at a different station. Take a different route to work. Take a quick walk at break time where the smokers AREN'T. You need to distract yourself through any craves. You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game. Keep a cold bottle of water with you from which to sip. Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time. You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits. Get busy! Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas: https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instead-of-smoke
The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?" Then DO it. You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.
Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!
Welcome to the Ex and congrats on your first day smoke free. I know it doesn't make it any easier to be living with a smoker, but it can be done. There are other's on this site that quit in the same situation. Always remember it's your quit--it's not dependent on what someone else does. If he would smoke outside, that would really help.
Stay close and reach out if you need encouragement. Keep us updated on how you're doing.
I'm in the same boat as you owlets3. I just stay away from my husband, and ask him that when he comes in from smoking to go wash his hands and brush his teeth. I've noticed he's not smoking as much when I ask him to do these things. I don't know how I lived with that smell for so long.
Aaron 7 DOF
He probably is also missing his smoking buddy! Wait until you have been quit a bit and notice the lingering tobacco smell on people who smoke! It will be an eye opener - at least it was for me - that I stunk that bad!!
My husband still smokes and he leaves them in a cupboard and I know where they are... I have N O T cheated or lit up! I am now dedicated and comfortable to my quit. I will not go back to starting over! I feel so much better I do not miss my lack of breath while smoking!
RoseH To keep your quit TOTALLY safe, I would ask hubby to put his cigarettes in a place you don't know about. You never know when life might just hand you a lot to handle and the temptation will be there. Better safe than sorry!
I appreciate your concern but I will not smoke! No matter what! I have COPD. I do not need my emergency inhaler any longer! A miracle. I will have two years quit on August 12 and I will not start the nightmare again! N. O. P. E.
I have to agree with Youngatheart.7.4.12, I don't think it is a good idea to have anything around that reminds you of smoking. It's not like it is going to injure him to put stuff away. It just MIGHT make him more aware of his OWN smoking. Congratulations on your quit,
I am free and almost two years quit. N.O.P. E. for me! Thank you for your concern! I absolutely know what would happen if I thought I could have “just one”... not going there!
I put the “quit kit” in your private message section owlets3. It will help you make a plan to stay quit... I also suggest you read Allen Carr’s book, “The Easy Way To Stop Smoking.” If I can do it after decades of smoking, you can too! If you want a quit buddy, I’m yours! Welcome!
I have read his book. That's how I stopped smoking the first time for 18 months. Then I found out I had cancer and I fell of the wagon after starting treatments. One would think that would have made me not start smoking again. After a year and a half of smoking, enough is enough, and I am now on day 4 of smoke-free! Thank you for all your support.
congratulations on your quit...great step.
I can imagine, it would be difficult scene when one smokes, and the other trying to quit.
Stay on your quit.... no matter what... NOPE.
All the best !
I would ask him to smoke OUTSIDE and let him do what he chooses - FREE WILL - YOU chose to live TODAY as a NON SMOKER - shine on MY beloved sister - live out YOUR OWN NON SMOKER LIFE STYLE - one breathe at a time
Thank you all for you support!
Look at you, you can do ANYTHING, l MEAN THAT! I am SO PROUD of you!
My wife Joyce quit 5 years before I did She stated that she would appreciate it that I go outside. Not smoke in the car or when she was close to me outside. It took a little bit of time and I had to be reminded but I myself was proud of her. Now on the other hand she never got on me about my smoking which I'm sure would have caused problems also
Congratulations owlets3 on your quit.
My husband has been very mindful. I didn't ask him not to smoke around me but on his own he has been going outside and not smoking in the car. I am grateful! My choice not to smoke doesn't mean it has to be his choice. I hope someday it will be his choice.
I hope sooner than later!
Welcome. Congratulations on your decision to Quit. I Quit over 3.5 years ago. My husband and daughter still smoke. My husband doesn't smoke around me at all. He says it's a Respect Thing for him. My daughter smokes in front of me daily. I promised God that I would never smoke again. I never even think about it anymore. I Personally Hate cigarettes and what they've taken from me. My Mother passed in 2011. My Stepmom passed February 2019 due to smoking. It's your Quit not his. Just ask that he doesn't smoke in the house, car.
My husband still smokes and I am totally smoke free since August 12, 2018. He can’t maintain my health for me. I have COPD. I don’t need smoking any more.
My husband smoked for 65 years. I started smoking because it was the in thing to do back in the 60s. And then when I tried to quit five times when I was in my 60s, I blamed him for not stopping. I could smell hIm and I got very jealous that he could smoke and I could not. I did not have the right mindset and I so wish I had found this site and learn what to do because education is the key to giving it up.
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