Quitting is Such a Slippery Slope

Discussion created by mattchapman586 on Jun 9, 2020
Latest reply on Jun 11, 2020 by Barbscloud

I had vaped for around 6 years.  I loved it and was vaping openly until three years ago, my wife told me I needed to quit.  I threw all my devices, batteries, and juice in the trash and decided I was done. That lasted about 4 months with one slip up and then it all started again.  I vaped in secret for about 10 months until I was caught by my wife and she forced me to throw the stuff away.  I immediately went out and bought another device and used it until I decided to quit on my own.  I went cold turkey again for another 4 months and started back again. (Relapse number 2) Another 10 months later, my wife got pregnant and I decided to research support groups and found the Ex Community and it has helped tremendously.  I set my quit date and quit for what I thought was “for good”.  I am now about 9 months after my quit date, I had been quit for exactly 275 days.  During that time, we’ve had a baby, been socially distanced, and have feared The effects of COVID-19.  Also, I quit when EVALI first became big news because this “safe” alternative that I had been using for 5 years was no longer safe.  I recently saw a few triggers on TV but was able to put those out of my mind or I had thought.  I then had a dream.  In the dream, I went out and bought a new device and started vaping again.  I felt horrible about it until I woke up and realized it was just a dream.  That dream stuck with me and two days ago, I faced a moment of weakness.  I went out and bought another device with reward points I had stored up at my vape shop. I took that device and vaped on the way home.  After I got home, I felt horrible and decided to throw the device down a storm drain.  Then the cravings got worse. Yesterday I went out and bought another device and used it a few times yesterday.  I came back on here and decided that giving myself permission to vape is a terrible decision.  This morning, I woke up and threw my device into a pond behind my house.  My fear now and that I’ll find a way to go back out and buy another device tomorrow or the next day or the next. How do I keep from wasting money and time on this stuff?  Also, I can’t believe I slipped.  I have so much anger and guilt wrapped up into this now and part of me wants to vape to get rid of the guilt (an addict’s brain is so logical sometimes).