243 days out and it’s only been the past 36 hours I’ve really wanted to smoke . I won’t under any circumstances but the urge comes on strong from time to time the past day and half .
Found out my father is dying and doesn’t have long . I’ve not spoken to him in over 3 years as he’s a toxic , manipulative, abusive narcissist ( yes , he was dxed as one by a clinician at VA hospital) yet I still feel sad . Sad more that his legacy is such that he has no kids who speak to him nor grandkids who have anything to do with him . I can’t imagine his shock when he found out he wasn’t going to live forever afterall ....
He’s 84 and had kids very late in life. You’d think that would have made him wiser , but it didn’t .
Maybe it’s the hopium I want to smoke. The hopium that before he does die he will send a letter , email , smoke signal apologizing for all the horrible things he’s done over the years ....but I know he won’t and I’ll never reach out to him .
Thanks for listening .