Hi Everyone -
I've been lurking on EX for a few days as i took the first step in freeing myself from a 21 year addiction to cigarettes and vaping. I'm ready to step out of the shadows, join the conversation and benefit from the support so generously shared on this site.
As Allen Carr would put it, my slavery to nicotine addiction began a story like many others. At 15 I tried my first cigarette with friends out behind our local mall, and while I don't remember this being at all a pleasurable experience, I sure felt cool! Over the next year I would find myself "practicing smoking" until, suddenly, before I even knew what had happened, I actually was a smoker.
This was Act 1 of a 3 Act play. For the next 18 years I carelessly, guiltlessly and mindlessly smoked away till my heart was content (which it never was because by heart, i mean nicotine receptors, and they were always jonesing for another fix). By college I was easily smoking a pack a day, sometimes more if the day also included a night out (as it often did). When I graduated I worked in the music industry and all the cool people there smoked too, I made work friends and became part of the inner circle standing around the ashtray.
In 2008, when I moved in with my now husband, he asked me to quit. He, a social smoker only, never understood the addiction aspect and though he was asking a simple fete. Me, newly in love and excited to be taking this next big step in our relationship begrudgingly agreed. As you can imagine, since it's clear I wasn't doing this for myself, this quit lasted all of like, 2 minutes. But it did begin what I consider my Act 2, in which 2 things happened:
- I was able to seriously cut back my consumption to just 2-3 cigarettes a day
- As by now it was no longer cool to smoke, and none of my friends did anymore, I went deep into hiding, concealing my habit from everyone to the best that I possibly could.
This Act lasted for another 8 years. Smoking cigarettes, for me, was self limiting. By this time in my life I left my partying ways in pursuit of a healthy life. I stopped eating meat, I became a fitness fanatic, I opted for natural and homeopathic whenever I could. Smoking wasn't "on-brand" for me anymore, and I didn't want anyone to know, so I only did it alone, at night, or when I could go through a vigorous routine of de-stinking myself before being around colleagues, friends or family. For many of those 8 years I could easily not have my first cigarette until 6pm, which gave me a false sense of control and the ability to tell myself "I'm not addicted, I just like smoking, this is a choice". I held on to this for nearly 7 of those 8 years, until I had a period of intense anxiety and panic attacks that sent my smoking spiraling, and my anxiety that it was going to kill me, along for the ride as well.
it was then, that a mental health professional suggested that I switch to vaping, an at the time seemingly less harmful practice. And so begrudgingly I began the search for a vape that would satisfy that sensation of smoking, finally settling on the shiny, buzzy JUUL, touted as the promising future for adult smokers. A transition I thought would take me months took me less than a week and for the next year and a half I really thought I was home free. I felt like a teen again, mindlessly, guiltlessly and carelessly puffing away on that thing. At first I simply use it to replace my exact cigarette consumption, but the ease of use and constant availability sent my addiction skyrocketing. Before I knew it, and without any warning, I was smoking a pod a day, back up to the pack-a-day equivalent habit I had left so far in my past. My use became constant and excessive. I juuled in my work bathroom, while I folded my laundry, before and after my shower. I once juuled under a blanket on an airplane. I had stopped smoking in my car YEARS ago but with the juul it became one of my favorite places to smoke again. All my rules, all my limitations, thrown out the window.
Then, this summer, it all came crashing down. Amid a public health crisis, a teen epidemic, bans and legislature, the panic came back. At first I refused to admit that I knew where it was coming from, I looked for every other possible excuse - stress at work, deaths in my family - but I couldn't hide from the truth. In my heart of hearts I knew that I had let my addiction snowball out of control, and if I didn't decide to stop, it would likely kill me.
I spent the next few weeks doing what I always avoiding doing, looking at myself and my addiction from the outside in. What I saw alarmed me. I was avoiding places, people and activities I once enjoyed because I was scared I wouldn't be able to vape. I couldn't sit through an entire TV program, and barely a meal without saying I had to go to the bathroom to hit my vape. I had a panic attack on the way to a work outing at my boss's house because I didn't know how long I would be there and if I'm going to draw a line anywhere, it's vaping in the bathroom of my boss's house. I vaped constantly in my pristine home, within in a few feet of my dog whom I love and treat like a child. I looked at myself in shame, and shock, at what I had become.
At 12:45pm today, I crossed the 4 day mark since my last JUUL hit. These past 4 days have been some of the hardest, physically and emotionally, of my life. Even with a 21mg patch on the withdrawals were mind blowing, nothing like when I quit smoking cigarettes. For 3 days I felt like I was in hell. My anxiety was through the roof, I couldn't stop crying, I was shaking, freezing but sweating, couldn't concentrate, read a book, watch TV or even hold a conversation. Now on day 4 most of the physical withdrawal symptoms have resolved but the emotional ones are very raw. My anxiety is sky high, I'm battling wicked insomnia, and I'm constantly fighting that evil voice in my head that says "this would all be over if you just went out and bought another JUUL".
In a mere 2 years I went from JUULs biggest advocate to one of their biggest opponents. They have created a monster that no one knows how to contain.
I know this was a very long post, and I really hope that some of you take the time to read, see a piece of yourself in me, and choose to embrace me while I face this very difficult journey. I would love to hear your stories, struggles, successes and failures to help me get through this very dark time. Thank you for listening from the bottom of my heart.
Keep coming back. 
