I only made it 14 hours

[BoomBoomPants]

I feel utterly defeated.  I am so addicted. I started smoking when I was 16 because I had anxiety that was out of control. I’ve been on medication for it for the last 10 years and it’s only brought mild relief.  Every day of my life, while a smoker, and before I smoked, and during months of abstinence from smoking, has been a struggle to just “get through.”  I’m on disability because of my anxiety. I hide from family and friends because of it. I’m embarrassed to show them just how bad I am, even though most/ all of them know I have it, it’s different when they see if first hand. 

I know smoking hasn’t helped me, and really it’s only made it worse. I hate smoking. I can’t stand the way it smells, I hide the fact that I smoke from most people in my life too. It’s more embarrassing to me than the anxiety. 

I felt so prepared. I’ve read “the easy way”, and a half dozen other books. I had NRT, and an entire backpack full of non-nicotine items to help with cravings, and to use as distractions. My mom took the kids today so I could focus on quitting.

Allen Carr’s book says that nicotine withdrawals are not painful, and can best be described as an uncomfortable hunger. But I respectfully disagree.  I was nauseous, I had painful cramping in my stomach, but the worst is the psychological pain. I have no way to describe it. Anxiety and depression so severe I felt like nothing was real.  Like I was going absolutely insane.  I wept for 3 straight hours. The only reason I’m even able to write this is because I had a cigarette, so I can now put together a coherent thought. 

 My mental illness is getting in the way of my quitting, just like it’s gotten in the way of every other part of my life. I am so angry. I am not a weak person. I know I’m going to pick myself up again and start over tomorrow, but the fact that I was so confident, so prepared, so ready, and so EXCITED to be done smoking today, has made me question if I will ever succeed.  

My biggest fear is I’ll smoke forever, and that one, or both of my children will start smoking when they’re teenagers. I know even if they hate it, kids with parents who smoke are way more likely to start themselves. I’m one of those statistics. 

Tonight, I’m going to buy patches. And hopefully the pharmacy will finally have my zyban prescription ready. I’m adding to my arsenal. 

Please tell me some of you with success stories missed your original quit date, even with support and preparation, and went on to succeed. I need to hear it. Because right now I’m feeling like garbage. 

[BoomBoomPants]

Update: I just talked to my therapist, who specializes in addiction and used to be a coach that helped people quit smoking. I have recently come off my meds so that I can start zyban (there is a chance negative of interaction). I was supposed to start zyban two weeks ago, but I couldn’t get into my dr until yesterday.  So currently I am unmedicated and to put it in clinical terms, I’m “a hot mess.”  She suggested I put off quitting until the Zyban has had a chance to take hold because of my specific situation.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to smoke for one more day. I’m mad at myself for failing today.  I’m stubborn and I feeling waiting is just an excuse to prolong this quit. I don’t know why I’m spilling all this on here, other than i need to get my feelings out somewhere, and I want to remain accountable.  I’m sure reading this in a few months when my anxiety is under control, and I’m not withdrawing, will be super embarrassing

[TW517]

Please don't beat yourself up too bad over this.  Very few people quit without many, many attempts.  I had 6 "serious" quits of several weeks or more fail.  And too many to count quits that lasted less than 24 hours.  Have to say I'm pretty shocked at a medical professional telling you to put off quitting for any reason at all.  Hundreds of thousands of people with anxiety and depression (including me) have successfully quit without medication.  Our addiction will try to trick us into believing that, "No, I'm that special person unlike everyone else that can't do this because _________ (fill in the blank)".  If you believe that, then it will be true.  But it doesn't have to be.  That said, please don't let me talk you out of getting the Zyban if you think that will give you more confidence.  Some people swear by it.  I have taken it off and on with some success in treating anxiety.  Never did much for me in aiding any of my quit attempts though.

[BoomBoomPants]

The way I phrased that may have been a bit misleading, she didn’t tell me to put off quitting, she said to cut back more and more each day, until the medicine had taken effect, then quit entirely. I was trying to go from 20 a day to nothing today. 

[PrimeNumberJD]

About 3 years ago, I went to the doctor because i wasn't feeling right. The diagnosis was chronic stress with deadly physical indicators. Towards the end of the visit, I brought up that I wanted to quit smoking. My doctor looked like the Oracle from the matrix. She looked at me, chuckled, and said, "This may be the only time I ever say this, you shouldn't try to quit right now; if you do, let me know, I want to be at least a state away when you explode." 

[YoungAtHeart]

Learn from this and it will not have been in vain.  I would hesitate to criticize your doctor's advise........but you need to decide what you think is best for YOU!  More than half of this battle is psychological and if YOU think you are  ready, I would trust that.  Figure out what you can do differently on your next quit day.  I would start with meditation, perhaps - and include some brisk exercise in your day.  What other things do you normally do to reduce your anxiety?  Double them, maybe????

 I do know many here who have had many fits and starts, so don't be discouraged.  You CAN do this!

Let us know what you decide!

Nancy

[elvan]

Please don't beat yourself up.  I cannot tell you how many times I had failed quits.  I believe that Zyban is supposed to work as you keep smoking for a while...I am not sure about the time but you don't need to put yourself through anything more than you are going through now.  The Zyban is supposed to make smoking really distasteful...you may still have symptoms of withdrawal.  I think you sound prepared in terms of your reading, etc but I also think you need to understand that being addicted is a serious thing and recovery is one day at a time.  14 hours is not so bad, crying for 3 of those hours is sad.  You have to understand that you will feel things that you used to stuff and everything will seem much more intense because you did not learn to feel when you were younger.  I have three kids...two smoked, one quit, the other one is working on it.  They HATED that I smoked and they hated the smell...I was surprised that they ended up smoking because they were so angry with me for smoking but you are right, children of smokers are much more likely to smoke.  You need to quit for YOU.  Write a letter to cigarettes and tell them that you are breaking up with them and list the reasons.  Work on preparing yourself mentally and understand that it gets easier as you stack up time smoke free.  The beginning is rough but it does not stay that way, there may be rough times...good days and bad days, just like in life when you ARE smoking.  Smoking doesn't really fix anything but please take my word for it that it can do all kinds of damage TO you...

We are here for you, I think you should take the Zyban and go ahead and plan your quit...this time with the knowledge of how severe your withdrawal was.  I did not go through that but I was so sick when I quit that I really can't tell you how scared I was that I would not survive.  I could not get enough air into my lungs to cough.  Clearly, I made it but I have not smoked since and I have never regretted quitting, my only regrets are starting and not quitting earlier.  

Ellen

[indingrl]

Yahoooooooooo 14 hours is GOOD JOB - set YOUR NEW DATE

[Barbara145]

So glad you found us.  Many, many people have missed their quit date and went on to successfully quit smoking.  Me included.  You can do this.  I was diagnosed with major depression two times. I struggled with depression for many years.  I quit smoking just about 6 years ago with the help of this site.  I do not experience depression or anxiety any more.  Smoking was actually causing my emotional problems.  We are here for you. 

[Sootie]

You blew your quit. So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over. Many,many people do not make it the first time.

That being said......you need to analyze what went wrong here. First, may I just give my own "take" on some thinking you need to change?

You are not "so addicted"......you are addicted.....just as we all were. Addiction is like pregnancy. Your are or you aren't......no one is more pregnant or more addicted than anyone else. Don't tell yourself that....it is a self defeating idea.

Your anxiety disorder is NOT going to keep you smoking forever......not unless you let it. AGAIN....don't tell yourself that....it is a self defeating idea.

Decide what you are going to do positively if you get into an anxiety "spin" again when you quit (and I hope that is soon). Can you go for a walk? Can you listen to music or even sleep?

Finally (and I assure you I am simply trying to help....not upset you) but maybe it would help to think about how anxious you might be if a doctor told you that you had a smoking related illness. When I first quit, an elder on here sent me a message that said......You think quitting is hard? Try having your doctor tell you that you have 3 months to live. Try sitting with your family and telling them that you made yourself ill because of continuing to smoke.

His words were a shock but I have thought of them many,many times during the past ten years......they were blunt...but true. I pass them on to you.

Stay Strong.