Gwenivere

I want a cigarette!!!

Discussion created by Gwenivere on Jul 22, 2019
Latest reply on Aug 7, 2019 by Barbscloud

I have been jonesing for a cigarette for days now.  I’m at over 7 months.  All the frilly talk of it serving no purpose don’t matter.  I want to inhale that smoke and feel calm like I used to.   I’ve read all the info and much is lost in me anyway.  Yes, I was addicted tho I didn’t know it as such til I stopped using.  I wasn’t covering up any deep seated emotions.  We coexisted just fine.  I wasn’t a chain smoker and could easily go hours without one.  In the last week or so many problems have popped up that I know a cigarette won’t fix.  I never expected them to.  My mind was just clearer and I could relax and step back for a little bit.  I factor in a new med I am on that is causing terrible side effects, my old dog needing possible surgery, the loss of my husband for help and being so alone.  Truly.  No close family or friends. All I have are doctors, counselors and web sites to reach out to.  No significant human contact. 

 

So i post here.  You are all wonderful and supportive people, but I don’t need the standard advice.  I have no intention of smoking.  I just can’t get out of under the memory of how, in a way, they did fix things.  It was my normal.  I don’t like this one for how fixated I am on it that I wasn’t on cigs.  I’m using NRTs and do have a fixation as they don’t deliver in a way I can count on so I get too little or too much.  

 

Just needed to vent.  So much of this is wanting my life back as it was before fighting my husbands cancer and the life I loved.  Some days it’s just too overwhelming to be alone.

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