Life hurts me>>>I hurt myself back

Discussion created by lenna on Jul 7, 2008
Latest reply on Jul 9, 2008 by louise2

Like • Show 0 Likes0
Comment • 11

I got a little note today, and realized I have slammed into a huge relapse.
My trap is always the same, my reaction to the things that I have little or no
control over. My reaction is always anger, the result of that anger is to turn
it inward on myself, and lets not forget the isolating...I deleted every email
notification from becomeanEx in my inbox for the last few weeks.
Ya, that's really going to help right!
So when life hurts, I hurt myself even more. Smoking is, without a doubt, hurting
me. Its the quick and easy fix to dissapear for 5 minutes from the crap that
hits the fan. But I know its just a short term fix with long term damage.
I know about the difference between anger as a result of agenda violation (things
that are not the way I want them to be) and anger as a result of injustice...and
I feel like I have plenty of both right now.
My friends are tired of hearing about my divorce (which is bitter and ugly and just got uglier) ... people expect you to just "let it go"; "get over it" ... of course most listen to my venting, but it's not their problem, they are just being polite.
My job, thank God I landed a good one after being out of the work force for almost 5 years, is very stressfull, and just got a great promotion, but that involves a learning curve and, you guessed it, more stress.
But the job is the very best thing in my life right now, without it I would be in very dire straits, so I am gratefull, very gratefull, but the workplace is loaded with anger time bombs.
It is clear to me that, even though I have done some work on anger in the past, I still have lots more to do. Funny how that well springs forth as soon as one tries to rid oneself of a nasty addition.
I feel better for venting...or is it called sharing here?
thanks all, I'm glad I opened the one email I did today, it was a little blessing.

Outcomes

11 Replies

Giulia Jul 7, 2008 3:15 PM
Youwch. Venting, sharing, rapping, spewing, mewing. Call it what you will it's a good way to prevent relapses. And writing things out is also a form of psychotherapy. Because it helps us organize and harness our wandering stream of consciousness, and enables us to examine what we think.

So you've got a whole bunch of traps snappin' around you, eh? Take the cheese of the traps and you might not get caught in them. In other words, if you take the cigarette out of the scenario - if you make it a no option - the trap will be empty and much less enticing.

"Reality itself is neutral, and what you get from it depends upon how you view it and what you make of it. Reality is what it is, and your own relationship to that reality is precisely whatever you choose for it to be." (Ralph Marston) In other words, it's all in your attitude. And your attitude is your choice.

Change your attitude - change your life.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
comfortably-numb313 Jul 7, 2008 4:44 PM
Hi Lenna, your message stood out to me because I can relate 100%!! I hurt myself by smoking and look like a complete loser! Well I know better then that!! all I can tell you is don't smoke the first and keep that in mind.. one is too many and a 1.000 is NEVER enough.. EVER... even when I smoke I don't feel better lol just a dummy maybe who knows.. I wish ya luck cause those ex's can really make ya mad.
tc C.N.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
carlie Jul 8, 2008 4:52 AM
Lenna...WOW; your post is loaded...glad you showed up here !!! Don't forget we're here for you...we REALLY are. I totally agree with what Giulia has said...wise-old-broad that she is !!!!

I just wanted to share with you something I learned in AA (I've been sober 16 yrs,)....YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER PEOPLE, PLACES OR THINGS !!! Think about that. Once we realize the only thing in life we REALLY have any control over is ourselves, we put all that other nonsense aside (as best we can) and work on fixing ourselves.

My 1st divorce was vicious and nasty; and lasted way too long. I feel for ya there. He was such a SOB, I have to try real hard not to actually be glad that he died this past May at the age of 56. Karma...what comes around, goes around !!

Vent, scream, yell (whatever) all you want. If your typing a message here, you're not smoking !!!

Good luck to ya !!!!
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
julied Jul 8, 2008 7:02 AM
I can totally relate. I've been trapped in anxiety, despair, anger and all kinds of triggers over the last few days. But I didn't smoke. I thought about smoking, I thought about how smoking might make me feel better. But that was the nicodemon talking and telling me that just one smoke would make things all better.

I knew that to be a lie, having a smoke wasn't going to change anything going on in my life. A smoke won't take away the anxiety, the despair, the worry or anything else. Taking that one puff would only make things worse because then I'd be beating myself up for smoking on top of everything else going on.

Yeah, my man is sick of me complaining about this that and the other. But he sure is glad I'm not smoking.

Smoking won't change anything for me or you...just makes us feel worse about ourselves.

I value this quit and I'm not going to let stress and emotion lead me back to smoking.

You can too!
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
lenna Jul 8, 2008 11:54 AM
I like the way you think. You continue to inspire me, and for that I sincerely thank you.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
lenna Jul 8, 2008 12:02 PM
Hey Julie, thanks so much for taking the time to share these thoughts with me. My goodness I cant believe how many people there are out there just like me, we maybe not just like me, but going through so, so many of the same things right now. It really gives me great courage to push forward, and committ to this quite. Hang in there, and know that you helped a person out today.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
lenna Jul 8, 2008 12:05 PM
thanx Mike, you helped me get back on track. Appreciate it!
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
lenna Jul 8, 2008 12:35 PM
hi, WOW, straight up, you tell it like it is, no b.s. .... I love it! thanks.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
polly2 Jul 9, 2008 10:37 AM
Hi Lenna! First of all, it was awesome for you to post your innermost feelings here! That sends a signal that you really do want to be smoke free. I used to use the excuse of being too stressed out to relapse. It wasn't my fault, it was always somebody elses. The fact of the matter is that whoever caused me to have stress didn't put the cigarette in my mouth or light it either!! Thank God that doesn't happen or none of us would be here!!

My suggestion is that you battle any negative thoughts with the simple thought, "Smoking is not an option." This has been my mantra and it truly works. This puts an end to all other negative thoughts. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. Instead wipe the ashes off and NIKE -- just do it!!

Your body is going through so many changes. Deadly toxins are being forced out and you have only you to thank for that!! You are the only you that you have!! Tell yourself that you are a "happy, confident, relaxed non-smoker." You may not believe it at first, but if you think enough it'll take hold!!

If you feel anger taking control of your emotions, perhaps it would be good to take a quick walk, take some deep breaths, log onto here, say the serenity prayer or put a rubber band around your wrist and give it a good snap to remind you that nicotine is doing it's work on you!! Snapping the rubber band (not to hard) will make you think or say OUCH! Once you have done that, you'll realize that the rubber band hurt, but cravings don't!! Cravings won't kill you, but cigarettes will!!

I hope this helps -- you have a lot of support here!! You CAN do this!! Keep on keeping on, K?
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
louise2 Jul 9, 2008 3:07 PM
Hi, You know what? I'm the same way! I have used anger, in the past, just about every time I have quit. But, you sound like you know some of your biggest triggers. The whole time I was reading your e-mail, I was thinking man, that sounds like me! So, my suggestion to you for now is to read your own e-mail again and let all the good stuff you said sink in. You can overcome anger and not relate it to smoking. each time you don't smoke it gets a bit easier. You will learn to manage anger and stress and feel a whole lot better about yourself. As far as your divorce, some are worse than others nonethe less, a sad part of life. Allow yourself to grieve and don't put too much merit in what ever others may say about getting over it. You will in your own time. Take it slow and easy. Aloha, Louise
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions
phoenix2 Jul 18, 2008 3:51 AM
Hi Lenna...

In the past, anger made me break a 2 year quit. MOST of my anger issues are resolved now. One thing survivors do, is blame themselves - act out toward themselves - instead of directing that at the real person or situation that it should be directed at. For me, it's all part of an abuse cycle - something happens; I see a strong emotion arising - OOPS! can't express that emotion (because I'm pavlovian-ly programmed to HIDE that emotion/shut my mouth/not address or DO what needs to be done for fear of more abuse).....

.... and I have this silly idea that smoking HELPS ME do that... it helps me deny or lets me believe I can hide a strong emotion or even an emotional need that I don't feel I'm important enough to ASK to be filled...

I have this silly idea that smoking actually helps me be less emotional and to be Mr. Spock-like totally logical.... that I think got reinforced in my abusive situation.
Like • Show 0 Likes0
Actions

Life hurts me>>>I hurt myself back

Outcomes

Related Content

Recommended Content