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Give and get support around quitting

minihorses
Member

Why am I so horrible?

Quick background:  We learned in Sept. that my husband's dad had pancreatic cancer.  He never really had much to do with bringing up his kids other than providing the means to live.  He and his second wife moved from up north to a place about an hour and a half away from us but they didn't make any effort to see us OR his only grandkids.  They didn't want us to come down if we had to bring Matt (oldest) because they didn't like him and thought he was a brat.  I don't think that feeling ever changed even when we finally found out he was autistic.  Their loss at not knowing the grandchildren on this side.  Hubby's dad is doing pretty well with chemo but there is no remission with pancreatic cancer. It's 100% fatal.  My husband goes down once a month for a visit and talks to him almost weekly. I have wanted to go visit Dad, yes I call him Dad because I was raised that family was family including extended family.  Each time I've mentioned it to my husband he has said something that politely says not this time. 

So a couple months ago I asked yet again when he was going and that I wanted to go down with him.  He said the usual but this time he added that his dad's wife Christine was pissed off at me and didn't want me to upset Dad.  I didn't know if it was just Christine or both that were angry and even though she said I'd know, I had no idea why.  I haven't spoken with nor corresponded with either of them in years.  My husband is going down tomorrow for a visit and I wanted to go once again.  He said he'd ask if it was okay.  What in the actual f###!  Why do you have to ask and not defend your wife so she can see whom she considers family?   He called and was told no again.  By this time I'm thinking he knows why but didn't say anything.

Ok, I'm a big girl and soooo not above saying I'm sorry and meaning it even if I don't know or don't think I did anything wrong.  Christ, I'd say I was sorry for breathing the wrong way if it made someone feel better.  So I called Christine this morning to literally apologize for whatever I said or did that might have upset them.  She was happy when she thought it was my husband calling, which he only ever calls from his cell phone not the home phone.  She was surprised it was me apparently.  So this is what I said "I'm calling because even though I don't know what I've said or done to upset you and Dad I would like to say I'm sorry."  She told me that I'm supposed to apologize to my husband because I made some comment about his job at some point.  Again, WITAF?   More importantly my father-in-law doesn't ever want to see me again.  Then the bitch hung up on me.  I am 53 years old and am more of a grown up, but I lost it.  I did throw the house phone at the fireplace and one of my 3 cappuccino mugs got chucked across the kitchen and broke.  Phone is fine and I cleaned up the kitchen. 

I called my mom who's 89 and has a bigger heart than her mouth lets on sometimes but I can always bawl to her and as her child she loves and supports me.  When I got off the phone with her I took a deep breath, forgave Christine for her horrendous behavior, and moved along in my day.  I don't understand hate. Anger and grudges only sap the energy of the one who's feeling them so I don't see a point in them.  I wish more people understood that.  

Now I just have to deal with my husband.  Unfortunately my youngest son sent a text to tell him that I had spoken to Christine and it didn't go well.  I really wish he hadn't but I understand why he did.  This does not look like it's going to be a pleasant evening.  I may be homeless again very soon because I get the distinct feeling that he knew all along what was going on.  We'll see.

21 Replies
anaussiemom
Member

Omg !   You know you are putting up with way more than necessary!  Right?   Not healthy!  Not healthy! Not healthy in anyway! 

'I will slap a meme up, but woman, you gotta get out of the circus!
Prayers and Prayers to you Julie!!



I am always right here.51679957_10157533677229523_8780876558668660736_n.png

Learn you matter!!!  Please! 
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YoungAtHeart
Member

YOU are in the right here!  You tried - that's ALL you can do.  I would not even talk with hubby about it; I don't see the point.  THEY are the losers in all this. They are eating themselves up carrying a grudge and hate in their hearts.   Don't let them drag you down.  THEY aren't worth it.

I had a lousy, drunken father - but I try to live by the Ten Commandments and they state that I should "honor" him.  I tried I really did.  There were any number of abusive visits.  The final time I spoke to him, I told him I would be happy if he came to visit, that I would be happy to pay for a hotel room for him, but I didn't think it was a good idea for him to stay in my home (he always ended up getting drunk before I got home , being verbally abusive towards me and storming out and going home).  He said if I felt that way he would not bother visiting and I could not believe I responded "Suit Yourself!"  That was the last time i spoke to him, and it was finally OK that it was the case.  I did not feel guilty, or angry.  I was finally just DONE.  I hope you can find a way to be, too!

Nancy

DonnaMarie
Member

What a cluster flub. You and your husband will talk, but the father-in-law/Christine thing sounds like it's a done deal. You tried. Move on. (Easier said than done.)

Donna

elvan
Member

I think that you did everything that you could, I would let it go and if your husband starts something tonight, tell him that you are letting it go.  Tell him that you honestly tried and that you cannot be the only one trying in this relationship.  You are his wife and, in my opinion, he is allowing his father and this woman to abuse you...let it go.  It will eat THEM alive, it does not have to eat you alive.  You tried, you did your best.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Love,

Ellen

anaussiemom
Member

I feel as Ellen.  Please do not allow yourself to sit in anyone's chaos  ".    Meditate it away.
Do not sit in their issues, Please Julie. namaste.gif

MarilynH
Member

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this your situation sounds quite familiar to me in my own family with my siblings, huge hug coming your way and you are definitely not a horrible person you are a kind and caring person that carries your heart on your sleeve which I also do, I pray everything goes well with your husband tonight.....

indingrl
Member

Prayers lifted for all in MY Lord Jesus name amen I am so relating to BLOOD FAMILY ISSUES - oh the personalities and EACH person OWN chosen life stlyes with their OWN coping skills and SET boundaries individually and ALL the different understanding of PERSONAL life on lifes terms which can change in a blink of an eye. Thank you for teaching ME its OK to be OK - you know you did your best to keep your side of the street clean and please know God looks at our heart - you let love lead you and you did good dealing with rejection- most of all- NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER- gentle hug and you are kind loving courageous and beautiful INSIDE - thats MY belief- GOOD JOB!

It breaks my heart they don’t see their grand kids and to call one of them a brat. 

Sootie
Member

I echo Kristen that it is heartbreaking that they cannot enjoy the time they have with their Grandchildren.....that's  blessing they are missing.

Stay Strong.