Why am I so horrible?

Discussion created by minihorses on Feb 6, 2019
Latest reply on Feb 10, 2019 by anaussiemom

Quick background:  We learned in Sept. that my husband's dad had pancreatic cancer.  He never really had much to do with bringing up his kids other than providing the means to live.  He and his second wife moved from up north to a place about an hour and a half away from us but they didn't make any effort to see us OR his only grandkids.  They didn't want us to come down if we had to bring Matt (oldest) because they didn't like him and thought he was a brat.  I don't think that feeling ever changed even when we finally found out he was autistic.  Their loss at not knowing the grandchildren on this side.  Hubby's dad is doing pretty well with chemo but there is no remission with pancreatic cancer. It's 100% fatal.  My husband goes down once a month for a visit and talks to him almost weekly. I have wanted to go visit Dad, yes I call him Dad because I was raised that family was family including extended family.  Each time I've mentioned it to my husband he has said something that politely says not this time. 


So a couple months ago I asked yet again when he was going and that I wanted to go down with him.  He said the usual but this time he added that his dad's wife Christine was pissed off at me and didn't want me to upset Dad.  I didn't know if it was just Christine or both that were angry and even though she said I'd know, I had no idea why.  I haven't spoken with nor corresponded with either of them in years.  My husband is going down tomorrow for a visit and I wanted to go once again.  He said he'd ask if it was okay.  What in the actual f###!  Why do you have to ask and not defend your wife so she can see whom she considers family?   He called and was told no again.  By this time I'm thinking he knows why but didn't say anything.


Ok, I'm a big girl and soooo not above saying I'm sorry and meaning it even if I don't know or don't think I did anything wrong.  Christ, I'd say I was sorry for breathing the wrong way if it made someone feel better.  So I called Christine this morning to literally apologize for whatever I said or did that might have upset them.  She was happy when she thought it was my husband calling, which he only ever calls from his cell phone not the home phone.  She was surprised it was me apparently.  So this is what I said "I'm calling because even though I don't know what I've said or done to upset you and Dad I would like to say I'm sorry."  She told me that I'm supposed to apologize to my husband because I made some comment about his job at some point.  Again, WITAF?   More importantly my father-in-law doesn't ever want to see me again.  Then the ***** hung up on me.  I am 53 years old and am more of a grown up, but I lost it.  I did throw the house phone at the fireplace and one of my 3 cappuccino mugs got chucked across the kitchen and broke.  Phone is fine and I cleaned up the kitchen. 


I called my mom who's 89 and has a bigger heart than her mouth lets on sometimes but I can always bawl to her and as her child she loves and supports me.  When I got off the phone with her I took a deep breath, forgave Christine for her horrendous behavior, and moved along in my day.  I don't understand hate. Anger and grudges only sap the energy of the one who's feeling them so I don't see a point in them.  I wish more people understood that.  


Now I just have to deal with my husband.  Unfortunately my youngest son sent a text to tell him that I had spoken to Christine and it didn't go well.  I really wish he hadn't but I understand why he did.  This does not look like it's going to be a pleasant evening.  I may be homeless again very soon because I get the distinct feeling that he knew all along what was going on.  We'll see.