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Discussion created by Freedomcat on Jan 20, 2019
Latest reply on May 2, 2019 by Pawr

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I've been panicking the past few days. Almost constant in the past 48 hours. Feeling completely overwhelmed. Terrified, a sense of impending doom, clenching burning in my belly, mind racing, overwhelming grief. Dont feel safe anywhere.

I havent felt this way I about 2.5 years when i had a breakdown and went on stress leave for a year. Its come back with my quit and the only thing I can think of doing that feels safe right now mlm is to smoke. It's my safe place. Its what I turned to whenever I was overwhelmed and consumed with panic in the past. It's what I turned to when my mom on died suddenly 19 years ago. Now I dont know where to turn and the grief and fear feel absolutely overwhelming.

The idea of smoking seems better than this. I dont feel I can cope with life like this.

And I dont know if any of you can really help me. But thought I'd try.

Outcomes

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TomW5.15.17 Jan 20, 2019 11:22 AM
I used to have panic attacks years ago. What helped then was deep breathing and focusing on objects around me. Noticing how green that bush is, how wrinkled my shirt is....

I do know that cigarettes will not help. That is your addiction trying it's hardest to make you believe that, but is just isn't so.
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Youngatheart.7.4.12 Jan 20, 2019 11:22 AM
If you can tell me how, exactly, smoking would make you feel better - I will tell you to go ahead. But - REALLY - you know that it won't. Can you call a friend? Go for a walk? Play a computer game? Do a crossword puzzle? Find a yoga (or chair yoga) or exercise routine online and do that. Practice slow/deep breathing, going slower and deeper with each, and thinking about your breath as it travels in and through each space, then follow it all the way out - then start again.
You need to get out of your head that smoking will help. Find a NEW safe place. Maybe take a relaxing bath?
These feelings will pass - and I KNOW you will feel WORSE if you have to go back to Day One.
Get started! Just do something - anything - to get your mind on something else.
Stay close and let me know how you do!'
You CAN get through this - you are relearning your life as an ex-smoker - and this is a lesson. Ace it!
Nancy
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AnnetteMM Jan 20, 2019 11:52 AM
If you smoke now and the feelings go back into hiding, what will happen when you quit later? Is there really a time when you can not smoke and deal with the emotions that come up? Are you willing to postpone coping with grief and anxiety in order to continue smoking?
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elvan Jan 20, 2019 12:10 PM
Our feelings seem so much more intense after we quit smoking...that is because we never developed the coping skills that we need to be able to get past those feelings. Grief is MEANT to be felt as is sadness, stress or anxiety, and anger...or any other emotion you can think of. Like Youngatheart.7.4.12 said, actually THINK about what smoking would do FOR you as opposed TO you. I did that after I quit and I am STILL learning to accept feelings that I stuffed the entire time that I smoked...this is a journey Freedomcat, it is one step at a time and often, it is one FEELING at a time. Don't let smoking pull you back in, I PROMISE you that this will get easier and I ALSO PROMISE you that smoking will NOT fix what you are experiencing.

I am so glad you came here and told us what is happening...please stay close, please find something to do to make these feelings pass...if you can exercise...you can tire yourself out enough so that the anxiety will pass. Grief is really remembering whatever or whomever you are remembering, respecting, sending your love to. You can do this and you will be stronger because of that.

Get down on your knees and ask God to remove the mental obsession....you may have to do it more than once and it HAS to be on your knees...it really does work. I did not have much faith in it when my husband suggested it and I DID have to do it more than once but I DID feel something lifting.

Big hugs,
Ellen
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Barbscloud Jan 20, 2019 12:16 PM
Only had one panic attack in my life and it's quite scary. Not long ago, I had that feeling coming on. I was able to divert my attention to something else and it did pass. Is there someone you can talk too about anything else to get your mind to another place? That's what saved me. I know you want to smoke. It feels like a safe place, but you're going to be so disappointed in yourself afterwards. You've got a good quit going that I know you don't want to lose. You can do this!
Barb
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Beck37 Jan 20, 2019 12:24 PM
You said you had a breakdown 2 1/2 years ago and went on stress leave for a year... you were smoking at that time correct? Apparently smoking did not help then so why do you think it will now? Your addictive brain is grasping at straws...

Talk yourself off of that ledge.... Run thru those beautiful woods of yours. Dance in the field. Wrestle with your partner. These have helped you in the past when clearly smoking hasn’t!

Hang in, hang on

Beck
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Tabbiekat Jan 20, 2019 12:30 PM
I won't lie it sucks having to deal with the pain/anxiety and life with out the use of nicotine that numbs you. I had 10 1/2 months smoke free when my husband passed and I started smoking again. I hated myself for smoking again. It took a good 4 months and a couple stops and restarts to get to where I am today. I miss my husband something fierce, I am also finally dealing with the loss of both my parents. In less then 3 years, my mom, dad and husband gone. I finally took the time to just remove myself from my daily life for a couple of days and used that time to do some deep searching. I was smoking at that time, but then when I got back home I quit again on 1/11/2019. With this quit I had the major urges and self doubt at first, but then I got back to reading the blogs, reading Allen Carrs book and realized not only was I just putting myself back into a bad place, but harming myself with the thought of smoking had I decided to go back to it. Getting on here and sharing my story, helping others, here or anywhere has been one of the best therapies for me. It helps get me focus on someone else's problems and try to find ways to get them out of their head-space while getting me past my own issues. Know that you can do this, just as I know I can and will not smoke again.
Keep coming here, let us know how you are doing and try to help someone else.

Tabbie
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Madyzsgocka Jan 20, 2019 12:43 PM
I too had a few panic attacks after I quit 25 months ago. I also just didn't know what to do with my feelings that I had been stuffing with lighting up for the previous 40+ years, or the grief associated with quitting so I just got busy. Walk, take a bath/shower. Have a bowl of nice cold, creamy, sweet, tasty ice cream, get on the computer and type - like you did here to keep the hands busy and the mind focused, work a jigsaw puzzle. Re-read Allen Carr, anything, do anything to not light up. You can do this, I'm praying for you girl.
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indingrl.01.06.2011 Jan 20, 2019 1:09 PM
Yahoooo WELCOME! Thanks for sharing your courage and self honesty and your heart with ME- when i first start this NEW NON SMOKER LIFE STYLE - i was HELPED by the SUGGESTION to watch the videos at whyquit.com- Joel has help nicotine addicts for over 35 YEARS-its all FREE-watching the video HELPED with educating MYSELF with day one - day two - day three- withdrawl from all the chemicals in a death stick- just sharing what worked for ME- please take what HELPS and let go of the rest- thank you. CONGRATS AND GOOD JOB CHOOSING TO LIVE YOUR NEW NON SMOKER LIFE STYLE - ONE BREATHE AT A TIME - TOGETHER - WE - US - you are NOT alone and please know I do appreciate you for sharing your experience with anxiety and HELPING ME to remember I was very nervous too of the - UNKNOWN NEW NON SMOKER LIFE STYLE TOO. You will be OK and its OK what your going through and mixed emotions and mixed new and old thoughts going round and round and ALL over the place in your mind just STOP turn your head and take 3 deep breaths and now just bresthe s- l- o - w - l - y..... Please know this takes TIME and you will be OK- no worries- WE - just have to get through ONE moment at a time then ONE second and then ONE minute. Breathe in - breathe out. Gentle hug for you.
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sweetplt Jan 20, 2019 1:51 PM
You need to get help for panic disorder. I have it and there was a time I thought smoking helped, but often made it worse. Smoking is only a bandaid, not a solution. I found meditation works for me. I do it once a week with a group and everyday myself, You May need to start with therapy, medication, etc., but honestly panic disorder will come back whether you smoke or not. Think this, how does a non smoker deal with a panic attack. Just my two cents. Gotcha in my heart Colleen
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Freedomcat Jan 20, 2019 2:24 PM
Thank you all, your words have really helped me.
I have been on the phone with a good friend and then my partner, who really get me.
I am in therapy once a week and am on meds. My journey with panic, anxiety, depression and OCD is not new, it's just so much harder without smoking.
But yes, as you've said, smoking wont make it better. I will have to feel and process these feelings at some point unless I want to smoke the rest of my life.
Also yes, I keep reminding myself that when I had my breakdown before, i smoked my way through it, and it didn't help. There is a new possibility this time.
My partner is going to come to stay with me tonight for the next few days. Ww currently live in different cities. And I've committed to not smoking between now and when he comes. Which is 5 hours.
I'm starting to feel more connected to this reality. I was lost there all morning.
I'm going to go to a cafe and drink something warm on this cold snowy day, be around people and watch some videos on why quit and maybe read a book I have about trauma in the body (the body keeps the score). Oh, and eat, I'm starving.

Thank you all so much for sharing your strength and courage with me and believing in me.
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maryfreecig Jan 20, 2019 2:34 PM
Perfectly understandable that you would see smoking as safer than feeling totally out of control. I've never ever liked feeling lost and out of sorts for whatever reason. But it always comes back to--what's the end game by going back to smoking? Talk to your doctor about the anxiety--wait it out until you can. Thanks for blogging. I hope you are feeling better.
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Christine_Aka_Legend Jan 20, 2019 3:47 PM
I have panic attacks sometimes and I don’t like them. We all deal with our panic attacks in our own way so do what helps you but I hope without the smoking. The others here have some great suggestions for panic attacks.

Do you have a reality object to take anywhere with you? If you don’t and don’t know what that is please read this blog and maybe it will help you some.
https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Giulia-blog/2013/09/10/how-precious-is-your-quit
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Giulia Jan 20, 2019 4:02 PM
Some would not advise this, but what helped me during the initial stage of my quit was to pretend smoke. I had straws, cut them down to cigarette length, stuffed a little wad of paper in it to give it a "draw," and just pretend smoked. It really helped me. You might give that a try. It mimics the hand to mouth, but there's nothing you're inhaling - except air. And you're also breathing more deeply, which tends to help calm us down.

The most important thing is not to sit there dwelling in panic thoughts. Distract by all means necessary. A beautiful thing I discovered after a while with my quit, is that instead of it being an unsafe place, it has become the complete opposite. It's something that is all mine that I can cling to. It is my rock. I think because I know it so well now. I know what to expect and how to deal with it. You'll find that true too if you hang in long enough.

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Gwenivere Jan 20, 2019 5:13 PM
I have panic disorder so I truly empathize. Never factored that in and have been having days of non stop low level anxiety to full blown attacks. Are you in medication for this? My doc upped mine and it kinda helps. I had no idea the quit would affect the disorder to this extent.

Thinking calming things, deep breathes are good ideas. They don’t work for me so I don’t know what I can advise. I mostly have tantrums to diffuse the adrenaline faster. Scream, cry, get furious , etc. i can’t focus outside the fear. it’s bad enough having to deal with regular withdrawal and this too.

i hope we both find some way to coexist with both of these. I will say if you aren’t taking meds to help the anxiety it might be something to talk to your doc about. They are tools to help at least get thru this stage. To all of you who replied here and know what they feel like, it’s hell on earth. I’m glad they were situational for you. I’d never invalidate anyone who has experienced one.
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- Freedomcat @ Gwenivere on Jan 20, 2019 6:23 PM
  They are the worst!!!!!! Omg.
  I am on meds but I imagine going off nicotine has impacted the absorption in some way.
  I don't want to up them now because I've been trying to get off of them slowly so I can have a baby.
  Ya, today I cried and yelled and moved the energy. And that was the most helpful. Then I could rest. I was in another world during the panic. Right back into my childhood. But now I'm back.
  Having someone I trust be with me on the phone, to stay with me, help me get into my body, helped.
  It's nice to it feel alone in them, and I'm sorry you also deal with them.
  And....we can make it through!
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  - jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 @ Freedomcat on Jan 20, 2019 6:34 PM
    I had some soon after I quit. Real doozies.
    I've had two since and the last one I was able to stop before the adrenalin kicked in. You have to focus on something else for a moment. Get off that bad thought. Put on your dark glasses. Run water over your arms. The adrenalin is what causes them to take a day to get over. I believe you can defocus from the darkness with a distraction.
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  - Gwenivere @ Freedomcat on Jan 20, 2019 10:55 PM
    I think the quitting has affected my anxiety medications too. They aren’t as effective so I get more stressed and it creates a viscous cycle. I don’t know if you have a disorder, but it would be a good idea to talk to your doc as they can have withdrawals too depending on what and how much you take. If you’re on benzodiazepines like Xanax or Valium, you have to do a tapered quit. Stopping suddenly is dangerous. Same with antidepressants.
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Barb102 Jan 20, 2019 6:04 PM
No please please don’t give in to the Nico Demon. What your feeling we have all felt. I wanted to give in so many time in the first few months. It won’t be as bad as it is now. I promise you. Hang tuff follow everything the Elders and this site offers you. You are not alone. Cigs did this to you. They won’t and can’t help you. They can make you as sick as a lot of us, myself included. Please I will stay on here with you day and night. It passes sometimes just answering these messes was enough for me. Stay with us. We will help you!
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- Freedomcat @ Barb102 on Jan 20, 2019 6:18 PM
  Thank you Barb. I've made it through to the other side. Back here on earth now. And I didnt smoke! I feel safe now.
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  - jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 @ Freedomcat on Jan 20, 2019 6:36 PM
    good!
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    - jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 @ jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 on Jan 20, 2019 6:37 PM
      someone advised me to put my barefeet on a cold surface such as the concrete in a garage to stop a panic attack.
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Giulia Jan 20, 2019 7:49 PM
Have you tried the bag trick? I'm sure you have, (I would imagine that anybody with panic attacks has been told of this technique) but in case not - hold a small to medium paper bag up to your mouth and inhale and exhale. Hyperventilation causes the body to expel too much carbon dioxide. By re-breathing exhaled air, it increases carbon dioxide levels. My husband has used that technique and it helps him every time.
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elvan Jan 21, 2019 12:17 PM
I have seen my son have more than one panic attack and even watching from the "outside" was terrifying. I can tell you that I have had very CLOSE to full blown panic attacks related to not being able to breathe. Seriously, I have to slow my breathing down, talk to myself and TRY not to let my heart come out of my chest. It is NOT easy...I know mine are related to my COPD which is related to my smoking so that never occurs to me as a fix.

I am glad you are feeling better and the breathing and pretending you are smoking...as Giulia described, is something I did a few times when I first quit. I would not even use a straw, I would just take a deep breath in and hold it and then hold my fingers up to my lips and slowly exhale. I blow bubbles now...breathe in, exhale slowly or you won't get any bubbles. Breath control helps with panic and it was something my respiratory therapist recommended if my oxygen saturations were falling.

Glad your partner is coming, I am sure that will help. Hold on, you've got this. Just LOOK at what you did today, you came here INSTEAD of smoking and you asked for HELP! Congratulations.
Ellen
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elvan Jan 21, 2019 1:33 PM
I hope your partner is there with you now and that the fury of the panic has moved on. Please know that you are being thought of and prayers are being sent.
Comforting hug coming your way,
Ellen
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virgomama Jan 21, 2019 3:01 PM
Sending prayers and strength your way
Cindy
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elvan Jan 21, 2019 6:51 PM
Freedomcat How are you doing now? Just let us know...we really DO care!
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- Freedomcat @ elvan on Jan 22, 2019 7:20 AM
  Thank you elvan and Deena-A.-Yenni, I'm more grounded than I was. Back on planet earth. I had fun last night...and belly laughed. That was amazing. Woke up this morning with the same shame knot in my gut as I have since I quit smoking, which I the start of a panic attack. I'm trying to stay away from the thoughts though...that's the dangerous place. And I havent smoked yet. Day 26.
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  - jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 @ Freedomcat on Jan 22, 2019 7:42 AM
    Congrats on not smoking
    Do you have anything fast acting like ativan that will stop panic attacks before they begin? I realized I could feel the start coming. My Dr. gave me the lowest dose and I believe the speed with which it acts really helped me stop the anxiety.
    Someone told me they are addictive but as I only take medicine when I need it, that wasn't a problem for me.
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    - Freedomcat @ jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 on Jan 22, 2019 8:33 PM
      I tried ativan a few years ago. It was like bliss. Until 7 hours later when it wore off and the panic would come crashing back even harder. Used it for about a week then ran out of what I had been prescribed and went back basically begging for more. Its then I realized I couldn't use them...way too addictive.
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      - jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 @ Freedomcat on Jan 22, 2019 8:39 PM
        Do you remember what dose they gave you? I was on the very lowest dose. It calmed me but I never felt blissfull using it.
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        Freedomcat @ jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 on Jan 22, 2019 9:54 PM
        For sure the lowest dose. By blissful I mean calm. A feeling of calm after panic 24/7 ffor months is pure bliss.
        Anyway, not for me.
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        Gwenivere @ Freedomcat on Jan 22, 2019 10:57 PM
        I’m glad you only needed them for a break. I have to take mine every day even if I feel OK. I know I am dependent on them, but there’s an old saying about anxiety disorder. I’d rather be addicted to them than my house. Afraid to leave. They are good to have in your toolbox. Nothing worse than being hit by panic too in this battle.
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        jconfusion @ Gwenivere on Jan 25, 2019 10:49 PM
        u should learn to love being you are you ok being who you are? can u be in silence and not freak out? find a book at the library or let it find you...I used to work at a used book store and found this amazing book called she buideth her house by will levington comfort. or Ishmael by Daniel quinn or
        Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa I go to omvana.com to have guided meditation.
        or go watch a funny movie meditate do yoga. good luck! hugs
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  - Deena-A.-Yenni @ Freedomcat on Jan 22, 2019 9:06 PM
    Exxxxxxcellent!!!!
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Deena-A.-Yenni Jan 21, 2019 7:28 PM
Just coming on board. I've read today's events. How is the evening going Freedomcat@??
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Pawr Jan 25, 2019 9:06 AM
Hope you're still with us. If you slipped, quit again. And again. And again! You can do it. Cigarettes are a slow road to horrible health problems and misery. I say they are an expensive legal suicide.
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- Freedomcat @ Pawr on Jan 25, 2019 6:10 PM
  Thanks Pawr, I'm still here. Havent smoked. Hanging in by a thread.
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  - elvan @ Freedomcat on Jan 25, 2019 7:43 PM
    
    Freedomcat Congratulations, you ARE doing this. Keep taking it a minute at a time, a feeling at a time. Recovery is not easy but it is SO WORTH IT.
    
    Stay close to the site, reach out...just like you DID. There is no way to rush this, I wish there was a magic wand...then again, I am not sure we would appreciate where we are when we get free if it was just a wave of a wand. I am so grateful for my freedom, I mean that.
    
    We are here.
    Ellen
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  - Pawr @ Freedomcat on Jan 26, 2019 2:34 PM
    Enjoy the smells and tastes you've been missing. Admittedly some aren't so great but have you noticed how bad those smokers stink? Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. "F" cigarettes . They aren't what they promised us in the advertisements.
    
    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android
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    - Youngatheart.7.4.12 @ Pawr on Jan 27, 2019 10:49 AM
      ...ALL of the Marlboro men died of smoking-related diseases....and the "Long Way Baby" from Virginia Slims only led us to a doctor for cancer treatment!
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Barb102 Jan 25, 2019 6:13 PM
Great job. You are doing this by more than a string.
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Giulia Jan 25, 2019 8:06 PM
Hang in by the rope of NOPE and a The Daily Pledge January 2019

Let that best part of you choose. Not the weakest part.
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jconfusion Jan 25, 2019 8:41 PM
it the addiction to the nicotine is all this is dear. I chewed Nicorette gum for 3 months to deal with the with draw pain, have you tried meditating? are you being medicated for your panic attacks? im on anti anxiety meds and antipsychotic meds. just watch a funny movie laugh a lot it helps with the depression and the anxiety. take deep breaths from your diaphragm breath in blue breath out black. breathing in blue to calm and relax you and breathing out black as in the addiction and stress. you don't know how stong you are until you've tried. good luck!
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iluvekl1 Jan 31, 2019 3:53 PM
I'm so sorry that you feell this way!!! I totally understand!!! My quit day is Feb.4th & it seems like I am wanting to smoke more instead of less. I am experiencing constant anxiety & overwhelm. I have a long history of anxiety, depression & ADD; can't take medication because of stomach issues & side effects. I quit smoking for 13 years when my daughter was 3 years old with a group of 3 friends. miraculously did not start again when my husband died 3 years later. I started smoking again when I found out my daughter was smoking in her junior year of high school (2003). She quit 3 years ago & I am still smoking ~4 cigs/day. I know I should quit but I only know 1 other person who smokes & she is not interested in quitting. I feel ashamed & guilty. I am a "closet smoker" - I smoke only at home (outdoors) & only 6 people on the planet even know that I smoke, because I am so embarrassed. If I get sick from this, it would hurt my daughter & I'm afraid that she would hate me for leaving her an orphan, which could have been prevented if I had quit. I know I am rambling & rationalizing, but I would surely appreciate any thoughts or phone numbers to exchange with others who are just beginning this "adventure". I do best when I have people who are on the same page whom I can talk to. Thank you!!
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- sweetplt @ iluvekl1 on Jan 31, 2019 4:03 PM
  You have had a lot iluvekl1 ... bless your Heart ... give yourself big hug and extra taking care of yourself to prepare for this Quit. Cyber hugs out to you ~ Colleen
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  - iluvekl1 @ sweetplt on Feb 3, 2019 5:30 PM
    Thank you Colleen,
    Today is day 1 of my quit. I will need LOTS of support as I am not in the
    best of mental health to be doing this. I just want to sleep & let the
    days pass by until I am well. I have no energy or enthusiasm to reach out
    to connect with people. I pray this journey gets better!
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    - Magnolialane @ iluvekl1 on Feb 3, 2019 5:45 PM
      Day 1 for me, too! Best of luck to you.
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      - elvan @ Magnolialane on Feb 3, 2019 8:41 PM
        Welcome to EX, please post a blog introducing yourself...go to the little pencil next to your avatar and select Blog Post, introduce yourself to the community and you will get LOTS of support. I suggest reading a blog by jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 My Welcome To New Members (12+ Years Of Watching) Read everything you can about nicotine addiction and remember that a quit is not an event, it is the beginning of a journey. The journey is not easy and can be filled with many challenges but I can tell you that many people here suffered unspeakable losses but kept their quits because they took care of them...they protected their quits, no matter what. Please read blogs, stay close to the site, we all want to support you and make this quit successful for you.
        Ellen
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- elvan @ iluvekl1 on Jan 31, 2019 7:43 PM
  I think what you need most are people who have quit smoking and have stayed that way. People who are just starting may very well seem more relatable, but if one falls, others tend to fall as well. Quitting is a journey, it is not an event, it is one day at a time. Sometimes, it is one feeling or one experience at a time. I understand that you only smoke four cigarettes a day and that "no one knows"... I would be willing to bet that there ARE people who know. The smell of cigarettes smoke is unmistakable, particularly to an ex smoker. You need education about this addiction (yes it is an addiction). you need the support of people who have been where you are, and perhaps most of all, you need to make a commitment. Make a plan for your quit My EX Plan | BecomeAnEX , decide what you will do instead of smoking those four cigarettes, read everything you can find on nicotine addiction. Stay close to this site, read blogs, see what has been working for others. Please read this blog by jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007, My Welcome To New Members (12+ Years Of Watching) We are here to HELP you, we want you to succeed and we will offer you the best advice we have.
  
  Welcome to EX,
  Ellen
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- jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 @ iluvekl1 on Jan 31, 2019 8:01 PM
  start saying "I'm going to wait a little longer" every time you think of smoking. no denial, no counting. just say that every time and it will wake you from smoking.
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- Freedomcat @ iluvekl1 on Jan 31, 2019 10:16 PM
  Thanks iluvekl1, you dont have to do it alone. Support, support, support has been my motto. I'm replacing smoking with support. So new or old timers, just reach out just as you did. Tell a few friends so that you're not isolated and can call people when needed. PM me if you want to chat more.
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jconfusion Jan 31, 2019 8:12 PM
what I did was get 3 months worth of Nicorette gum the 3rd month to ween myself off of the gum. the first thing you needed to was decide you are quitting and stick to it. throw out everything you have to use to smoke with ashrays lighters cigs. I even got my apartment repainted to get rid of the smell of smoke. I quit smoking for my cat chaos. I read how it was my fault his already damaged eyes weren't getting better. I have been smoke free for 7 years. this does get easier as time goes by. you can do this. im not saying this is going to be easy but its so worth it youre worth it! you don't know how strong you are until you've tried. hugs. you got this. we are all here rooting for you!
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Freedomcat Jan 31, 2019 10:22 PM
Thanks Everyone for all your support. I took the week off work to focus on self care. I'm getting better with each day. And I dont have much of a desire to smoke at all. Today I might have had one thought....but no cravings, just thoughts and memories. Pretty amazing.
I realized today that I let go of a big part of my life...and I'm in the stuck place between what was and what will be...no longer doing what I used to, but not quite sure how to live without it. I'm realizing how much I used cigarettes when I actually needed support. So now reaching out to people all the time, flexing my asking for support muscles. And learning to let it in.
Today I felt excited about life...which is new since I quit smoking. New for me in awhile actually. For no reason, just excitement and interest and curiosity. The joys of being a non smoker.
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Giulia Jan 31, 2019 11:09 PM
"excitement and interest and curiosity." Did you happen to read the latest NDC blog?  Mindfulness and Craving "Mindfulness is the process of directing your awareness to the present moment with an attitude of curiosity, openness, and acceptance."

I'm sitting reading your blog from two weeks ago "Feeling completely overwhelmed. Terrified, a sense of impending doom" And reading now of excitement and interest and curiosity. Do you recognize the change, the growth, the transformation that has occurred in the past two weeks? Even if it's only a momentary thing. Even if it's only tonight, NOW. 'Cause sometimes we suddenly feel all this WONDERFUL MAGICAL SCHTUFF! And then the next day the balloon has popped and we're back to misery mode.

But look at the difference in what you've written and what you're feeling now as opposed to then. It's magnificent - that difference.

Yes, at this stage of your quit it's normal to be stuck between two worlds. The smoking us and new non-smoking us. "Between that place that was and what will be." You put that brilliantly. That's part of our morphing process, our transformation.  It's Gonna Be Okay

Keep that attitude of curiosity. Curiosity keeps our quits alive because we want to learn more and more and more about ourselves and thus about our relationship with this addiction.

Just a word of warning - today's experience may not be tomorrows. They don't call this a roller coaster ride for nothin'. Watch your back.
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- Freedomcat @ Giulia on Feb 10, 2019 9:51 AM
  Thanks Giulia for pointing out the change for me and thank you for your care and encouragement
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elvan Feb 1, 2019 9:17 PM
Be prepared whatever comes your way...just KNOW that smoking helps NOTHING, EVER!
Ellen
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virgomama Feb 1, 2019 11:03 PM
;I'm so glad for you. freedomcat. Keep going. It is a roller coaster. But it does get easier and better the more time passes. Keep it going.
Cindy
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sweetplt Feb 10, 2019 10:06 AM
I think you need to address the panic attacks. They are “cause and effect”. Smoking really isn’t addressing the underlying problem. I dealt with such bad panic attacks some years back I couldn’t drive a car, finally I am driving the past four years. I had to find out the true cause of attack, has taken years to work on, and if I ever thought that smoking would help I was fooling myself. I now offer everything up to God every morning, it really helps. I do meditation daily along with breathing exercises. I wish you the best and that you can find the help. I know how debilitating panic attacks can be...gotcha in my heart ~ Colleen
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- Gwenivere @ sweetplt on Feb 10, 2019 11:39 PM
  I’ve been doing some research into lack of nicotine and pre existing anxiety disorders. Seems it’s a double whammy tough quit. Seems smoking and cigs keep diagnosed disorders at bay. Disorders also prevent NRT's to work as well as they should to work more successfully. I was wondering why, as I have panic disorder, why I felt I was in worse withdrawals. I think it’s my anxiety meds being affected. This really kicked in when I dropped to 7mg patches from 14’s. There is also a lot of studies of people developing attacks from quitting. Trying not to get get discouraged. Are you seeing a counselor, told your doctor or tried trying talking to your states quit coach service? So far I haven’t found anyone who is an expert in this.
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  - Freedomcat @ Gwenivere on Feb 11, 2019 9:03 AM
    Hey Gwenivere, ya, I didn't know it would get as bad as it has. For the first few weeks I saw my therapist twice a week. Now once a week. Going to see my doc today finally to see what he says.
    
    How are you supporting yourself?
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    - Gwenivere @ Freedomcat on Feb 11, 2019 5:52 PM
      Supporting myself how? For the quit? Patches and lozenges. Been a true test dropping to 7mg. for withdrawal. I wish it would stop snowing (10 inches so far) so I could get out more. I’m not a good hermit while others are enjoying being home. I’m alone all the time so need people contact or at least among them to keep perspective. Going to try getting out even if it’s a drive to nowhere. I’d like to get some fried chicken but not sure bout the parking lot as I have a bad back. The city is a ghost town. Isolation os a *****.
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      - Pawr @ Gwenivere on Feb 12, 2019 10:17 AM
        I know how we all try to be supportive. Sometimes the struggles others are going through pile up to overflow. I will pray for you but you really complain about your predicament a lot. Sorry to be callous, I've got my own list of trouble and if quitting is causing you so dearly, maybe you should smoke.
        Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android
        
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        Gwenivere @ Pawr on Feb 11, 2019 10:17 PM
        Yes, I find your comment callous and hurtful. I belong to an online grief support group which is so much pain. Lives changed forever. So maybe we should tell those who are struggling more to just give up? Maybe join their loved one?
        
        I know many here have other crisis going on in their lives. Quitting smoking is life altering too. If you aren’t interested if they share why they need more help, why not just skip it?
        
        Maybe I should apologize that I am having a harder time with my quit than you find acceptable.
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      - Freedomcat @ Gwenivere on Feb 11, 2019 6:52 PM
        Ya, I meant support for your anxiety.
        We've got this. Isolation is horrible, I agree. So keep reaching out. Calling a friend is better than nothing. Cigarettes don't really help with anxiety, we both know this.
        Compassion is key I think. Quitting is hard. And quitting with panic and anxiety is even harder. And we can and will heal. Much love to you.
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        Youngatheart.7.4.12 @ Freedomcat on Feb 11, 2019 7:00 PM
        
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        Gwenivere @ Freedomcat on Feb 11, 2019 10:50 PM
        I wentb out during our record snowfall to escape the isolation. Trouble was I was tense as the roads were not as clear as they were. But I achieved my mission for a chicken special and said that was enough adventure. At least I saw other people walking around. Didn’t even think about cigs til a pack fell out of the glove box when I wanted to check something about traction for the trip home. Shrugged and thought wow, they've been there for over 2 months and had forotten. I don’t know about you, but when I get unintentionally snippy with someone, I apologize and tell them I am quitting smoking and even if they haven’t smoked, they kinda get it. Heard how hard it is. I don’t like making someone feel bad. That was never me before. I did read anxiety and panic are common and often need med adjustment if you take them. I did. Thanks for your post.
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        jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 @ Gwenivere on Feb 11, 2019 10:56 PM
        I'm glad you got out and got your chicken. It's a comfort to get something that was on our minds.
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        JACKIE1-25-15 @ Gwenivere on Feb 12, 2019 10:23 AM
        I hope you got rid of the smokes that fell out of the glove box. lol js
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        Gwenivere @ JACKIE1-25-15 on Feb 12, 2019 11:54 PM
        Oh yeah, I should do that. I them back in without thinking about it. They just looked like a box that has always been there.
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        Pawr @ Gwenivere on May 2, 2019 8:01 PM
        Hi, Are you still smoke free? I've been off awhile and just want to see how you're doing. I'm not smoking but have put on some weight. Thats6next I guess. Hope you're well.
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        Gwenivere @ Pawr on May 2, 2019 9:36 PM
        I am still smoke free, Pawr, thank you for asking. I’m not nicotine free and may never be at this rate. The quit exacerbated my hypothyroidism so everything is going bonkers physically. Sorry to hear about the weight. Hope it’s it’s not too discouraging. Hope you are well otherwise. I’m at 6 months. What about you?
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        Pawr @ Gwenivere on May 2, 2019 10:41 PM
        6 months in a week. I'm still using the gum but have been cutting it down. Probably will keep a piece handy for awhile
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        On Thu, May 2, 2019 at 9:36 PM, Gwenivere<communityadmin@becomeanex.org> wrote:
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        I am still smoke free, Pawr, thank you for asking. I’m not nicotine free and may never be at this rate. The quit exacerbated my hypothyroidism so everything is going bonkers physically. Sorry to hear about the weight. Hope it’s it’s not too discouraging. Hope you are well otherwise. I’m at 6 months. What about you?
        
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Freedomcat Feb 10, 2019 10:11 AM
Thanks sweetplt. That is exactly what I have been focusing on. I've realized since I wrote this post 3 weeks ago that I can survive panic without smoking and that smoking isnt going to help. Without smoking as self medication, I finally have a chance to heal the underlying wounds and trauma.
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- Youngatheart.7.4.12 @ Freedomcat on Feb 10, 2019 10:17 AM
  Your growth on this journey is so important - and I am so happy for you. It's difficult to tell people about this journey to emotional freedom that is part of the quit process. Yours is a wonderful description of it.
  Most of us hid from our emotions behind that cloud of smoke, and coming out from behind it is truly a coming to the light moment. Yours is starting to shine brightly and I am so glad you have shared your journey. I am sure it will prove enlightening to others.
  Nancy
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  - Freedomcat @ Youngatheart.7.4.12 on Feb 10, 2019 10:29 AM
    Thanks so much Nancy for your feedback. That's so nice to hear
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Pawr Feb 12, 2019 12:52 PM
Please accept my apologies for my inappropriate comments about your situation. I guess it's true that one of the side effects is being grouchy. I can't really relate to your situation and it sounds very difficult. I wish you the best and hope you found some of the responses helpful. Good luck
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- Gwenivere @ Pawr on Feb 12, 2019 5:20 PM
  Thank you. That means a lot as we had always gotten along. Everyone get s a pass on grouchy, I feel. Good luck to you too.
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Gwenivere Feb 12, 2019 11:58 PM
I keep forgetting to say I found out smokers burn (forgive the pun) 200 more calories a day. I don’t have a weight problem but it might help those that struggle with it. Just passing it along.
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Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa I go to omvana.com to have guided meditation.

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