There will be no next time this time.
Everyone ive ever spoken to has told
me that when they finally quit it was cold turkey, what I wasn’t prepared for is this overwhelming feeling like I’ve lost something (irrational, I know). What is happening there? Perhaps it was because cigarettes started as a way for me to get away from people or situations.. smoking started as an escape and now I don’t have that... pure speculation.
Ive been hiding this habit for years and years, it always embarrassed me- oh yeah... here is the punchline to my own joke I sell medication for ASTHMA AND COPD. So yes, every day for years I felt like a hypocrite... not anymore though. My professional life has been a cycle of
hand sanitizer, ozium or some air freshener ( who am I kidding ... multiple air fresheners) and gum... speaking of
gums there is another benefit I wasn’t thinking about.
Its day three, since this habit never affected my ability to exercise; rephrase “hasn’t” affected my ability to exercise “yet!” I have increased my steps to reach 10 or more miles per day. Reasons being, stress and anxiety as my body tried to clean itself out on top of work and life in general. I have noticed my fuse is short however I refuse to take it out on anyone. My chest is tight, and today I started sneezing a lot.. I’m pretty sure im
goinh to get sick but I’ll deal. My throat hurts, my head hurts... honestly this kind of sucks HOWEVER every time I think I’ll have a cigarette I remind myself that I am in control, I don’t want the cigarette and as in any toxic or abusive relationship (don’t be fooled this is exactly what it is) we find excuses and reasons to stay, this time I won’t, this time I’m actually pissed off these death sticks aren’t illegal.
i downloaded an application called “My Last Cigarette” I like the way it shows me my health stats and savings along with other incentives such as days/time I added to my life - bonus- it’s free.99.
So as I said, I feel pretty not great but I’m doing it... I also have no clue what I just wrote because im
havinf trouble staying asleep- another fun side affect. I guess I just needed somewhere I could get this junk off my chest literally and figuratively... I have hid this habit for so long that there aren’t very many people I can turn to for support without having to admit that I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, likely I’d not appreciate their responses as ignorance is bliss - I guess I turned smoking into my vice.. but now I’m here and I can talk about it.. and the over 50kive literally lit up over my years as a smoker. Regardless, I don’t want to end up in the medications I represent and I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite. Anyways, this has been a rough week- layoffs - and I feel all the feels, I didn’t lose my job and I am thankful but it has made this journey a bit bumpier.
Please share with me that all of this will get better... I need to hear it...