This - another lesson to learn - written by Newfound Joy:
January 15, 2012 by Newfound Joy
It was the 83rd day into my Quit on January 12th when I made the stupid choice to smoke that sickorette, I thought I would share with you all in hopes that perhaps it may help someone out there not to repeat my mistake. I have given this a lot of thought and analyzed what happened to me because I do not want to go back there again.
First of all B E W A R E: I woke up that a.m. like any other morning and went about my day. Yes, I had a very stressful a.m. and a disagreement with a client but I made it through all of that. Did not have any urges to smoke at that time. It wasn’t until my work day was over……………….K A B O O M!! Out of nowhere…..I wanted a cig and I wanted it now. No fantasy about it ahead of time or nothing. I walked like a zombie in a trance with my eyes wide open not even blinking. I knew I could find cigarettes in my nephew’s bedroom (even though my rules were to NEVER leave them in there) There was a tiny thought in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t do this, but the ADDICTIVE THINKING part of my brain was definitely in CONTROL.
I lit the sickorette. While I was smoking it, I was in a totally self destruct mode. My thoughts were “I don’t care about myself….I’ll just smoke myself to death….I don’t care about you EXERS…..” all negative negative. In other words, while I was smoking my addiction was in control and telling my brain ALL LIES AND MORE LIES. None of those thoughts are true.
During the next few hours I was extremely ANGRY at myself. I knew I had 3 choices:
1. To continue smoking
2. To continue on the EX world as if nothing had happened.
3. To come clean with you WINNERS & tell you what happened and start again.
I knew that the first 2 options were suicide. I might as well hold a gun to my head. I could never continue on here with dishonesty in my heart. So I forced myself to come clean right away. Do you know how it broke my heart to have to reset my count down clock to under 24 hours?
Lessons learned: There will be NO MORE CIGARETTES LEFT BEHIND in my house. If I find myself taking that “zombie walk” again, I will splash cold water on my face and snap out of it! Even though I am busy at work, I must stay close to this site and continue to listen and learn. I have truly learned the meaning of the words “PROTECT YOU QUIT AT ALL COSTS” These are not just cute words…..they have powerful meaning to me now.
Many, many, many thanks to all of you who believe in me. You believe in me even when I don’t sometimes.