Discussion created by Giulia Champion on Nov 21, 2009
Latest reply on Sep 12, 2018 by Giulia






The following was written by Desperate2QuitHousewife Sept. 8, 2008:

"You all are SOOO wonderful!!

Okay, sorry it took me so long to update, but it wasn't until awhile ago that I even felt secure enough to update.

I swear it seems like every craving and problem I should have been having last week all accumulated and just spontaneously combusted on me today.
It all began when I started picturing myself outside smoking, I knew better than to do that and I swear there was a voice in my head that was saying, "Stop! Don't go there!" But for some sick unexplainable reason I did anyways.
The entire day was basically like one giant battle and I am so braindead from exhaustion right now. I'll try to put it all in a nutshell but I'm horrible about going on and on so I apologize beforehand if I do.

Well, after I posted this I read the replies as they came, but I just felt so stubborn. I didn't want to listen to anything. I just wanted a dang cigarette. I even went to the ex profile and hit the panic button and it was pointless, because I had my mind set on smoking "just one more pack" already. The lies, if you're curious, were;

-One week isn't that long, you can do it again.

-who cares if you have one more pack as long as you still quit afterwards

-smoking will make you less stressed while you learn to adjust to this babysitting job

-It will be so nice, you can get a coffee, sit outside, relax....

Well, there were plenty more but those were the main ones, and the lies were drowning out all the truths in my stubborness and bad attitude. I decided I would get a pack. The problem was, my husband had the minivan because his truck wouldn't start this morning, so I called my neighbor, asked if she was going to town,she said not until 6? Well can I borrow your car then? (she'd borrowed mine before) She said, sure! So I had my plan. I waited for the my little ones (the baby I was sitting had already been picked up) to wake up from their nap. I got them dressed, shoes on, then we were about to leave, but, all the sudden, I guess because of the nervous activity and anicipation going on inside me, (This may be TMI so watch out) I ended up getting stuck in the bathroom for a long time. Lol. And while there, I decided I was not going to go after all. Whew! Right?

Well, my husband, who had been checking up on his psycho wife all day decided to call me again and said he was getting me some patches and he would be home in 2 hours. I said ok then I told him I had just been about to leave to get a pack but decided not to. He said, "You better not smoke."

I,being agitated as I was, went off on him and said something like, "Don't tell me what to do. I'm not choosing not to smoke because you tell me not to. I can get some if I want. I decided not to. Me, not you, ME!"

He said, "Geez, you do this everytime, you always pull this, now you want me to spend 50$ on some patches and you're going to smoke anyways!"
and I said, "Did you not just hear me!? I said decided NOT to smoke!" I waited for the applause....crickets.

He said, "If the van was there you would be smoking."
I said "maybe."
He said, "see, so what does it matter."

So basically,instead of praising me and building me up he smashed it all down and called me a failure and that I never have done it and never will.
In the past he's done this and in retaliation I've gone to the store and smoked two packs in two hours just so I could sleep beside him in bed that night without a shower and keep him from breathing anything but the smoke off my skin and clothes. Lol...ok I'm exaggerating. But I would smoke, because "he made me do it", and it was a weird little revenge thing. In my mind I'd say, "Well, just for that I'm going to smoke again!" but in reality it was probably saying something more like"okay buddy, you want to tell me what a failure I am, I'll show failing again."

Well, I was unbelievably tempted to get some again for that very reason, but somehow managed to change my mind again. Then when he got home he gave me the patches, I stuck one on, and he started going at it again, saying that I didn't go get some because I didn't have the van. I said I had a ride set up, I had my shoes on, and he said, well that was an inconvenience to go over there and borrow the neighbors car, blah blah blah. I get so mad again just thinking about it.

So I ripped my patch off and threw it at him and I hopped in the van and headed to the drugstore. That seemed to be the longest trip to the drugstore ever. My mind was just a constant mishmash of opposing thoughts. Just get some, it will make him mad! If you get some you ruin everything! He doesn't care anyways so you might as well smoke and be happy! Smoking never made you happy! It will taste so good! It will taste horrible, the first cigarettes after you quit always have that funky mildewy taste! I need one now, I'm almost to the store, I can't just turn around now, that'd be stupid! I just want nicotine! Cigarettes are just delivery devices full of a bunch of added poisons, the patch at home delivers nicotine without that so I can wean myself off!

On and on. Until I was there, parked outside of CVS. I turned the van off and just sat there. I imagined myself going in and asking for a pack, I imagined getting the pack, would I be glad, no. Even though I was there and I wanted it, I didn't really want one, if that makes sense. My body was crying for it, but by that point I realized it wasn't going to satisfy me or make me feel any better. I didn't want that taste in my mouth, that smell on my clothes, that stain on my resolve. So I turned the van back on and went home.

When I got home my husband was being all snappy and I said, " I didn't get any cigarettes."

He said, "Well what'd you get then?"

I said "nothing."

He said nothing.

I told him he was an insensitive jerk and he said, "I tried to support you and look what it got me!"

I don't get it. I didn't smoke.

I cried and I am still so angry. But I didn't smoke and I don't want to.

Thanks everyone for cheering me on. I kept coming back throughout this drama and checking your posts. They really did help me, I didn't want to let you all down. I am forever thankful to have all of you, supporting me and just helping me to live."