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Give and get support around quitting

Kbloodless
Member

What can I tell my fiancé to help him realize he’s still a smoker without making him angry?

What else can I say to my fiancé about the fact he’s still a smoker that might help him see that he is a smoker. When I quit my fiancé stopped buying packs a few months after, but every time we visit someone who smokes or he wants a cig buns one from our neighbors, family, or friends. I once told him “you haven’t quit” when he kept insisting his quit date was further and further in the past. He responded so aggressively I don’t tell him this anymore. Instead I ask nicely “please don’t smoke or bum cigs when you see so and so because I think you end up with withdrawal and your mood affects me negatively so please please don’t” then he does, and then he does get moody. I’d say he smokes 3 cigs every two weeks minimum but insists he’s been a non smoker almost as long as me which I’m starting to think is really nuts. I never did that when I was smoking. I always knew what it was to not smoke, I always thought just one would restart to quit calendar and withdrawals. But I did use to think I could handle a calendar reset without smoking regularly and I was always wrong. It’s similiar to what he’s thinking but also way different, he’s pretending to quit so he can be proud, then bumming cigs whenever he wants weekly. I think he’s one trigger away from smoking packs every day again. It worries me. And I now believe third hand smoke is real and toxic, and he doesn’t.

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12 Replies
JACKIE1-25-15
Member

Sorry, this is an issue that you have to deal with.  Unfortunately, it is my belief that it is very little you can say to an addict that is in denial. So sorry that his mood affects you negatively. I can not think of a lot that you can do but to focus on your quit.  I suggest that you program your brain to say.  His quit is his and my quit is mine.  We have no control over other peoples, actions.  The goal is for you to protect your quit. Living with a smoker while you are trying to quit is difficult but it is doable.  Go to the magnifying image and type"living with a smoker" or similar verbiage and see all the blogs comment and discussions you can find that may be able to answer your question. 

Kbloodless
Member

Thank you I read through some, but still felt like asking this specific question.

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JACKIE1-25-15
Member

And now you know.  The journey continues.....

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AnnetteMM
Member

There are blogs you can search for on here regarding living with a smoker, but like Jackie said you can't do his quit for him.  It's the same principle as in Al-Anon actually.  You have to focus on your own "smobriety", so to speak, and detach from his.  Setting boundaries is absolutely necessary though!

Kbloodless
Member

True, I’m pretty sure I asked this question to here essentially, “you just don’t” “you do you he does him”

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YoungAtHeart
Member

What you are trying to do is akin to trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon.  You are right - but chances of him seeing that are less than ZERO!  He is an addict, and his thinking is skewed.  You are wasting valuable energy and resources that should  be put towards YOUR quit.

I know you so want him to see the light - but he won't until HE takes off the blindfold.  Don't let his "quit" affect yours!

btw - YOU are doing great and should be very proud (whether he acknowledges it or not!)

Nancy

Kbloodless
Member

Thank you! It felt really good to be encouraged and told I’m doing well!

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Barbara145
Member

Focus on you my dear and be kind to him.  Congratulations on quitting. You are doing great.

Kbloodless
Member

Thanks! Doing my best, I struggle with the moodiness, I’ve been there but held myself accountable... I can’t make him be accountable for the moodiness that is okay. But I definitely don’t like it. for now I’m just observing ho I don’t like it, how it affects me, whether or not I’ll need to make or not make another change idk. Also idk what other boundries I could pose, that I’ve already put in place. So maybe there’s nothing else to do but let me be me and him be him. I’m holding onto my quit.