Giulia

Lessons Learned from a Relapse 2

Discussion created by Giulia Champion on Aug 11, 2013

This was written by Nursemama23.  Shows the lady is doing her homework.  This kind of in-depth analysis needs to be done before and during our quits.  One can never assume that we've got it in the bag as far as this addiction is concerned. 

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This will not define my smoke free journey

August 11, 2013 by nursemama23 

  

Today I have been analyzing where I went wrong on my journey... I have used it to reflect on my mistakes and try to learn more about how I can succeed. Here is where my reflections are on the past week.

  

There came a point on my journey where I allowed myself to gain a sense of false reassurance that I can do this no matter what and that I no longer needed the support or reminders of others to continue smoke free...

  

This was one of my biggest pit falls as what I did was seclude myself from all of you and even my family members regarding my journey. I also did this with friends who are smokers. For most of my journey I did not allow others to smoke around me as I knew that after years of smoking that it would be a trigger and reminder of the old me.

  

Last week I surrounded myself with friends who smoker and told them - no its okay you can smoke it doesnt bother me any more...

  

BUT - it truly did. It triggered my old cravings. And I did not come here and talk about it as I normally have in the past. I tried to ignore my craving and keep going. I was certain that I could over come anything and that I was out of no mans land and would no longer have temptations. (I knew better but I was trying to convince myself that I was different and I could do this my way.) 

  

There came a point where I allowed my excuses to overcome my freedom, needs and quit. 

  

I knowingly talked myself into smoking. I told myself that I could handle just one (man I just laughed typing that out - I sooooo knew better). I told myself that I have been so stressed that this was thee ONLY way I could cope (omg - another massive lie)! Then came the biggest bs excuse ever that I dont want to even admit to. It is such a horrible self-destructive lie that I cannot believe I used it as an excuse to smoke... I told myself that my lungs were screwed no matter what I did and having a smoke would not make or break me. (Man that stings saying it. Because i know how totally UNTRUE it is on sooo many many levels of health. In fact, I am totally embarrassed by it). (I know Thomas is going to kick me for that one)

  

These are the excuses I used to smoke. Untrue, self-defeating lies I told myself to basically feel less guilty about smoking. It was awful of me. I have beat myself up for it but at least I know now where I went wrong and why. 

  

Now with all that said last night I felt so devestated that I had let myself down and others. I didnt want to blog last night about throwing out my quit because I knew what was going to come my way... The lecture I have been needing for the last few weeks to pull my head out of the sand and continue to breathe. I was terrified of criticism....

  

I went through so many emotions last night it was awful. And the entire night I kept trying to use it as a reason to continue smoking. 

  

But I refuse to allow the mistakes of the last few days define an entire 6 months for me. I refuse to allow it to make me feel so bad that I would rather throw in the towel than take ownership of my mistake and just move forward. The choices I made were bad but I am getting back on the train. 

  

I can do this. I am a nonsmoker. I am free. I am strong enough. I am good enough. I and my family deserve to be smoke free. 

  

 

  

WORST MOMENT OF THE LAST WEEK:

  

When my 10 year old son smelt me the first day I came home. He looked into my eyes and yelled "You have been smoking!!! I smell it!" I ran up the stairs - huffing and puffing and jumped into the shower and balled my eyes out. What an example I set for him. 

  

Well I wont let him remember that moment as what defines his mom. I want him to look back years from now and think "Wow, mom was able to give up smoking. It wasnt always easy for her but she never gave up." 

  

I refuse to give up! The nicodemon still cannot have me! I may have LET him win a battle but I will win the war!

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