This was written by Nursemama23. Shows the lady is doing her homework. This kind of in-depth analysis needs to be done before and during our quits. One can never assume that we've got it in the bag as far as this addiction is concerned.
August 11, 2013 by nursemama23
Today I have been analyzing where I went wrong on my journey... I have used it to reflect on my mistakes and try to learn more about how I can succeed. Here is where my reflections are on the past week.
There came a point on my journey where I allowed myself to gain a sense of false reassurance that I can do this no matter what and that I no longer needed the support or reminders of others to continue smoke free...
This was one of my biggest pit falls as what I did was seclude myself from all of you and even my family members regarding my journey. I also did this with friends who are smokers. For most of my journey I did not allow others to smoke around me as I knew that after years of smoking that it would be a trigger and reminder of the old me.
Last week I surrounded myself with friends who smoker and told them - no its okay you can smoke it doesnt bother me any more...
BUT - it truly did. It triggered my old cravings. And I did not come here and talk about it as I normally have in the past. I tried to ignore my craving and keep going. I was certain that I could over come anything and that I was out of no mans land and would no longer have temptations. (I knew better but I was trying to convince myself that I was different and I could do this my way.)
There came a point where I allowed my excuses to overcome my freedom, needs and quit.
I knowingly talked myself into smoking. I told myself that I could handle just one (man I just laughed typing that out - I sooooo knew better). I told myself that I have been so stressed that this was thee ONLY way I could cope (omg - another massive lie)! Then came the biggest bs excuse ever that I dont want to even admit to. It is such a horrible self-destructive lie that I cannot believe I used it as an excuse to smoke... I told myself that my lungs were screwed no matter what I did and having a smoke would not make or break me. (Man that stings saying it. Because i know how totally UNTRUE it is on sooo many many levels of health. In fact, I am totally embarrassed by it). (I know Thomas is going to kick me for that one)
These are the excuses I used to smoke. Untrue, self-defeating lies I told myself to basically feel less guilty about smoking. It was awful of me. I have beat myself up for it but at least I know now where I went wrong and why.
Now with all that said last night I felt so devestated that I had let myself down and others. I didnt want to blog last night about throwing out my quit because I knew what was going to come my way... The lecture I have been needing for the last few weeks to pull my head out of the sand and continue to breathe. I was terrified of criticism....
I went through so many emotions last night it was awful. And the entire night I kept trying to use it as a reason to continue smoking.
But I refuse to allow the mistakes of the last few days define an entire 6 months for me. I refuse to allow it to make me feel so bad that I would rather throw in the towel than take ownership of my mistake and just move forward. The choices I made were bad but I am getting back on the train.
I can do this. I am a nonsmoker. I am free. I am strong enough. I am good enough. I and my family deserve to be smoke free.
WORST MOMENT OF THE LAST WEEK:
When my 10 year old son smelt me the first day I came home. He looked into my eyes and yelled "You have been smoking!!! I smell it!" I ran up the stairs - huffing and puffing and jumped into the shower and balled my eyes out. What an example I set for him.
Well I wont let him remember that moment as what defines his mom. I want him to look back years from now and think "Wow, mom was able to give up smoking. It wasnt always easy for her but she never gave up."
I refuse to give up! The nicodemon still cannot have me! I may have LET him win a battle but I will win the war!