on Aug 28, 2009This was a blog posted by Jennifer, Aug. 27, 2009. It's entitled: WITH GREAT SHAME AND HUMILIATION I AM WRITING THIS POST. She nobly granted me permission to put it in here. It is a step-by-step Instruction Manual for Relapse and why we can never take just one puff.
Read and Heed it well gang. (The happy news is that she has jumped right back on the horse. I applaud her for doing so and for sharing this with us. Maybe, just maybe we'll learn something.)
Give her support y'all.
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I tested the one puff law and lost. Of course. Duh. It started a week ago from today. It was girls night. Damn those girls nights! Out with my friends and after way to many shots I decided well hell...I've been quit for 80 days now, I really can have just one. Hahahahahahaha! (that was the nicodemon sitting on my shoulder and laughing because he realizes he is in control once again). I bought a whole pack at the bar because I cannot stand people who "bum" cigs. I bought the pack thinking I will have one out of it. How stupid...it was the alcohol and nicodemon working as a team against me.
I did smoke just that one that night. On the way home I said man I gotta throw this pack away. I didn't want to throw it out of my car window because I hate littering. Well when I made it home I realized I couldn't throw it in my trash can either because surely my husband would see it and I would get in trouble, so I stashed it in my glove box with the intention of throwing it out the next day at work. Well the next day came and went and I completely forgot they were even in there.
Then came Saturday...two whole days later. My husband was out somewhere...I was home alone sitting on the porch reading a book and drinking a glass of wine. Out of nowhere the nicodemon comes and reminds me I have a pack of cigs in my car, really I should just go have one. So I did. Actually I had three before my husband came home. So now I was up to four cigs out of the pack. Oh boy did I feel really guilty. But again I stuck the pack back in my glove box instead of just throwing them away.
Then comes Sunday...husband gone again...I'd just finished cleaning the house doing laundry etc. and was ready to relax. Again I heard the nicodemon and obeyed his demand that I go have a cig. 5 cigs now. Rush to wash my hands and brush my teeth so my husband doesn't smell it on me when he gets home. Come Monday morning, I'm up waaaaay to early. Husband leaves for work at 4:30 am. I get up, make some coffee, watch the morning news, and oh boy would a cigarette just be great right now. So I go have one. Then another. 7 cigs now. Lunch hour at work...I have nothing to do. No errands to run, a whole hour with nothing to do. So I go find an empty parking lot, park my car and have a cig. Pray nobody sees me and tells my husband. Oh the shame. I am now a closet smoker. I feel dirty. 8 cigs. Tuesday the same routine, except two at lunch. 11 cigs.
Funny...now I realize...what happened to just smoking that one? So in between yesterday and lunch time today I finished the last 9 in the pack. 1 puff just turned into 1 pack. Maybe it is because I am young and somewhat naive, maybe it is because this was my first quit...but more likely it was just because I was so friggin hard headed and stupid that I truly believed I was different than everybody else and I believed I could have just one. So listen up newbies, I am a real and honest testimony - there is no such thing as just one!!!!!!! How easily did that 1 turn into a whole pack?!!! Waaaaaaaaaay to easy. So easy I didn't even have to think about it. So it is with great shame that I admit to everyone right here and now that I have to start over from day 1. One puff turned into another day 1. Do you remember how day 1 felt? Well here I am feeling it all over again because I did not heed the warnings. It is with great shame I go now to reset my clock and start again.
Much love.
Oh GOOD. Jennifer helped. Tell her so, Jennie. It will - in turn - help her.
There are dramas that are going to happen over and over again, and the urge to smoke is going to happen over and over again....with or without the drama. The urge to smoke can happen because you just had a meal, you just had drink, you just celebrated your birthday, you just lost a friend, you just finished a task and want it as a reward, you just NEED/WANT one period for no reason at all. The excuse to smoke will be ever present in your life. Because you're an addict. That's what addiction IS. I know. Because I'm one.
The way to be free is: to say NO to every urge. NO, I will NOT let you have control over me. NO, I won't succumb. NO I refuse to go back to day one again. NO, NO, NO! Well, that's MY way. For others it might be to say YES to life. YES to stubbornness, YES to "I won't cave in." YES to the challenge. Whether it's a YES or a NO translated into your scenario, "I will not smoke now" is the mantra.
Hold on y'all. That's what it's all about. Just holding on.
Stay on top of it!
people who try to quit, slip and try again have a better chance than those who stop
trying. Release the shame it's a useless emotion and be proud you are back.
Don' take 4 yrs to get back like I did,
Education to the true nature of nicotine addiction is the answer, read how nicotine had rewired your brain and how withdrawl was actually your brain getting normalized again and how a single puff reactivated all those receptors in your brain that had been normal for 80 days are now screaming for nicotine again....
NTAP NOPE Never take another puff, not one puff ever and be free...it works.
Regards
RJ - Free and Healing for Two Years, Twelve Days, 7 Hours and 22 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 103 Days and 5 Hours, by avoiding the use of 29732 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $6,131.86.
(NOTE: THERE WAS MORE TO THIS DIALOGUE WHICH WAS NOT CARRIED OVER INTO THE NEW SITE WHICH I COPIED:)
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Jennie Permalink Reply by Jennie on September 5, 2009 at 7:49pm
Thank you so much for that blog. Because not even an hour ago I had a bunch of drama happen that triggered me wanting a cigarette. My neighbor and good friend smokes, she would try to talk me out of it but give it to me in the end. I reasoned with myself saying "You drank a 6-pack at home last night and didn't smoke you could probably do just one hit and be ok." Instead I logged on here and found your blog. That was exactly what I needed to hear during my moment of weakness.
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Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on September 5, 2009 at 8:21pm
Oh GOOD. Jennifer helped. Tell her so, Jennie. It will - in turn - help her.
There are dramas that are going to happen over and over again, and the urge to smoke is going to happen over and over again....with or without the drama. The urge to smoke can happen because you just had a meal, you just had drink, you just celebrated your birthday, you just lost a friend, you just finished a task and want it as a reward, you just NEED/WANT one period for no reason at all. The excuse to smoke will be ever present in your life. Because you're an addict. That's what addiction IS. I know. Because I'm one.
The way to be free is: to say NO to every urge. NO, I will NOT let you have control over me. NO, I won't succumb. NO I refuse to go back to day one again. NO, NO, NO! Well, that's MY way. For others it might be to say YES to life. YES to stubbornness, YES to "I won't cave in." YES to the challenge. Whether it's a YES or a NO translated into your scenario, "I will not smoke now" is the mantra.
Hold on y'all. That's what it's all about. Just holding on.
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Savanna G Permalink Reply by Savanna G on September 6, 2009 at 8:18am
I have to sasy I was quite tempted to ask a buddy for one friday night because people were all around at a party smoking and it was tempting , but I didn't know if I would start smoking again, so I didn't have one. Last time I would just smoke when I drank and ended up starting again.
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Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on September 6, 2009 at 9:11am
Yay Savanna for staying true to your quit! Wise decision. Hope you woke up feeling pretty darn proud of yourself. I wonder how many of your friends are secretly envious that you've quit?
Stay on top of it!
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Savanna G Permalink Reply by Savanna G on September 6, 2009 at 2:37pm
most the friends that say they don't smoke "only smoke when they drink" so they don't say much. I do know a few people that wish they could fquit though
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Permalink Reply by . on September 18, 2009 at 7:30am
You know if it were easy none of us would be here.
people who try to quit, slip and try again have a better chance than those who stop
trying. Release the shame it's a useless emotion and be proud you are back.
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~Rosa~ Permalink Reply by ~Rosa~ on September 24, 2009 at 8:53pm
Good blog people, I slipped up after a year and half. It's shameful and sad - but promising that I will be free from that nicodemon again - can't wait, quit date was 3/11/08 and now is 10/5/09 and will protect my quit with all my might!
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RJ Permalink Reply by RJ on September 29, 2009 at 11:58am
80 days free is a long hard fall, the only way to be an addict is be an addict, you can't control using while you are using, "just one" never is...I will say get back on the wagon NOW...admit to yourself you are an addict and will always be an addict,
Don' take 4 yrs to get back like I did,
Education to the true nature of nicotine addiction is the answer, read how nicotine had rewired your brain and how withdrawl was actually your brain getting normalized again and how a single puff reactivated all those receptors in your brain that had been normal for 80 days are now screaming for nicotine again....
NTAP NOPE Never take another puff, not one puff ever and be free...it works.
Regards
RJ - Free and Healing for Two Years, Twelve Days, 7 Hours and 22 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 103 Days and 5 Hours, by avoiding the use of 29732 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $6,131.86.
Attachments:
* NTAP_large_print_212_pages.pdf, 1.4 MB