(NOTE: THIS IS THE ENTIRE DIALOGUE FROM THE ORIGINAL EX SITE. ALL NEW POSTS ON THIS TOPIC SHOULD GO HERE.)
(THIS POST WAS STARTED BY VANESSA)
* Posted by Vanessa on November 1, 2008 at 1:16pm in RELAPSE TRAPS
"What is this the 30th time? Well good luck with that." *chuckles
"Once a smoker always a smoker. You just have to do it in moderation."
Ever had friends tell you this and wonder if they were really your friends? Unsupportive comments from friends or comments that give the sense the person doesn't want you to quit and make that positive sep can have a lot of reasons behind them. I'm sure we can all speculate. But the fact is nothing makes me reach for a cigarette quicker because I think "They're right. I can't do it. I suck. I give up." One of my biggest challenges is ignoring them and listening to my gut. But this time I'm determined. Anybody have good ideas of witty comebacks for unsupportive friends that the website hasn't already mentioned?
Tags: friends, quit, smoking, trap, trigger, unsupportive
Replies to This Discussion
Sue Permalink Reply by Sue on November 1, 2008 at 5:10pm
You want to be like me???? I pray no one has to use that one.
Christine Permalink Reply by Christine on November 3, 2008 at 4:14am
The worst I think is ex-smokers. I am on my 3rd week of Chantix and right now about 12 hours in with no smoking. On Friday I met a group of work friends out, one of which is an ex smoker. She's quit about a year now. Last year, I had quit as well, right around the same time she did and lasted almost 7 months but was fooled by the "I'll just have one cig, no big deal" trap and here I am again. So it's like she has this whole attitude that she lasted and I didn't. Every time we all hang out, all she can do is talk about not smoking and how the rest of us are weak and subordinate. She doesn't actually say those things but that's the message she conveys. So on Friday in one of her preaches I reminded her that I'm on the Chantix and steadily doing better. Instead of encouraging me her response was the following... You just can't do it because you don't want to and no pill or anything else will ever help you. WTF??? I wanted to choke this woman. I actually had to stop her mid sentence at one point and tell her I'm ending the conversation b/c I didn't agree with her opinion. She, of all people, should realize how hard it is and shooting a comment like that is so undermining it's not even funny. But.. at least one thing good came out of it.. I vow to NEVER behave that way to smokers now that I am quit again. I was a little "preachy" the last time I quit and this time I will remember that day and keep my mouth shut. Just had to vent....
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on November 3, 2008 at 8:09am
You should have choked her, then put her on the rack and torn her limb from limb. No, better yet, you should have forced her to smoke a cigarette. Oooooooooh!
Mark Permalink Reply by Mark on January 5, 2009 at 10:00pm
Sounds like she quit so she could feel superior to her friends, and rub it in when she gets the chance. If so, I don't think I would call her a friend anymore. And if not, then perhaps she just needs to be reminded why she really quit.
mylastvice Permalink Reply by mylastvice on March 31, 2009 at 7:42am
The next time she tries to "dis" you like that, lift your hand and act like you are looking for something on her neck, and say "oh, I was looking for your collar, you sound as if you are preaching from a pulpit".
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on November 1, 2008 at 11:56pm
I've been sitting here racking my brain trying to come up with some witty retort to your "friends'" comments. The only thing I can think of is "F you!" Which ain't too witty. But quitting aint' exactly an hilarious experience. And they obviously haven't a clue.
Good ideas?: Ignore them. And get your support from the people here, who know the depth of the struggle. If you spend some time reading on here (and with almost 10,000 members, there's LOT to read), you will discover an infinite amount of possibilities. All of which speak to the reasons why you CAN be a non smoker. Because we're all doing it, day by day...by day. Just read.
We're all in various stages of quits. From 2 days to one month to 6 mos. to where I am at 2 years 8 months. Don't mean a thing. It just means I've held on that long. Understand? We've all held on "that" long. This is truly a day by day thing.
Forget our "friends". Trust YOU. Because YOU know best.
....Part of your cheering section....
Vanessa Permalink Reply by Vanessa on November 2, 2008 at 7:02am
thanks guys. you know you're right. i actually am really proud of myself because two of my closest friends are heavy smokers and i went out with them last night. they went out for a cigarette break twice and both times i was ready with a bottle of water, a pack of almonds and my nicotine lozenges which i just started yesterday even though my quit date isn't until next saturday. i was truly nervous that i wouldn't be able to hang on. I didn't bother to tell them what I was doing because they've seen me try to quit so many times and I didn't want them to comment on that and derail my determination. So both times they asked me if I wanted one of their cigarettes and I said no, confidently. The lozenges helped (I got the 2 mg because I smoke less than a half pack and don't start smoking until the middle of the day). But also, redefining what it means to have a fun time and celebrate helped. Instead of smoking I brought something to snack on. That can be my new ritual. Or I can step out for fresh air for the sake of getting fresh air and not smoking. Another key thing, I literally maxed at two drinks and they were mini portion sized beers. It gave me something to hold while I talked to people and I got a little buzz but it wasn't enough to make me crave a cigarette. I was definitely still sober. It was a really great feeling and the first time I have gone out drinking/dancing that I have not given in to the urge to smoke. Here's to celebrating milestones.
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on November 2, 2008 at 7:40am
Well RAH RAH YOU! Fabulous determination and commitment. And that, folks, is the way to be a winner here!
Sue Permalink Reply by Sue on November 2, 2008 at 10:44am
WTG girlfriend....you have to start somewhere and you are testing things out and you are going to be able to do this I just know it!!!!
David Hibling Permalink Reply by David Hibling on November 2, 2008 at 10:50am
Went out to my local bar the first time last night since I quit in September waited a few weeks as I needed to be sure of my quit to be around alcohol and smokes (although France has banned cigs - private clubs have a loophole) so there I was with smoking "freinds" whose only response to my giving up was "we can tell - you have out on a lot of weight" thanks guys thanks guys
Sue Permalink Reply by Sue on November 2, 2008 at 10:59am
The weight is not a good thing I know, but you don't want to gain the weight either because you had to take steroids because of health issues from smoking. You are all strong we all are....heck if we can stop smoking even if we put on a few pounds we can take them off. Keep up the good work.
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on November 2, 2008 at 11:03am
Aren't friends FUN!
Vanessa Permalink Reply by Vanessa on November 2, 2008 at 7:03pm
i can't believe they said that! it's so weird how people we call "friends" can be so unsupportive. you know what they say though. misery loves company and you're friends are probably upset they haven't quit yet. actually gaining the weight, despite it not being something you want to escalate, is a good beginning sign. it means you're being committed. i'm dieting and kickboxing to avoid it. the best way to "diet" when you go off of smokes is to eat a lot of natural foods. i've started eating a lot of fish because the omega fats help alleviate depression and anxiety and fish and fish oils are rich in that. so is flaxseed.
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on November 2, 2008 at 7:48pm
"Once a smoker always a smoker."....Once an a*hole always an a*hole.
"What is this the 30th time?".....No the 110th and what's it to ya? What? You don't WANT me to succeed in quitting?
The trouble is you've cried wolf too many times (if you don't know the reference check out "the boy who cried wolf"). And so the villagers don't believe you any more.
Best then to keep quiet about the wolf. And slay it silently, all by your brave, magnificent lonesome self. Along with the 10,000 members who are supporting you on here!
Kellie Permalink Reply by Kellie on November 4, 2008 at 9:47am
Or you could tell them that the rage that comes with quitting can unload at any time and they may want to step back....wink, wink...
I, myself, try to ignore those people and seek out people who can show some genuine support and happiness for my success. They are your true friends.
As for the weight...I have given myself 3 weeks of not worrying about it and focusing on my quit. At the end of the three weeks, I will pick up my new bicycle and clean up my diet along with my new clean lungs. Today is day 14 for me and mentally I feel GREAT! and STRONG!
Guilia is right...you have 10,000 friends here for support who know what you are going through.
Vanessa Permalink Reply by Vanessa on November 6, 2008 at 4:29pm
that was great. and you're right.
i had another successful night. actually election night. i was for obama and many champagne bottles were popped. many cigarettes were also smoked. i just stuck with my commit lozenges. i drank two. i just seriously resisted the urge. people kept asking me if i wanted a cigarette and since my quit date has not yet approached i kept saying "sure i'll have one in a second" but i wouldn't follow up. eventually people just stopped asking me. instead of having a cigarette i snacked on whatever appetizers were there. a better vice in the long run. i'm really hoping this determination will stick! i know it'll be worth it if i can follow through.
Kellie Permalink Reply by Kellie on November 6, 2008 at 4:46pm
Good job Vanessa! Conquer the hurdles one at a time. And you are correct, in the long run, a few extra appetizers now is a small price for the power you feel from not lighting up. Hang in there and relish in the small victories because they add up to a huge WIN!
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on November 7, 2008 at 8:36am
Strong lady! You keep that up and you'll breeze through this!
Vanessa Permalink Reply by Vanessa on November 23, 2008 at 2:58pm
I'm so glad I joined this community. This was just the sort of empowerment I needed. I've been smoke free for 3 weeks and I'm heading into my fourth (which would make a month!). It seems like ages since I've had a cigarette but I know it hasn't been. In a year I'll have a big celebration. But for each month that I don't smoke I think I should treat myself to something nice like a facial or a nice pair of shoes or a good book, etc. Even though I know that this quit is the FINAL quit and I will never go back...I really want to continue to celebrate my decision so that in a moment of weakness I have all these reminders about why it's so great not to smoke. In addition I started kickboxing and have actually lost weight. Also on nights out I've started drinking red wine instead of hard liquor whenever I can and I actually feel like I'm doing something good for myself because of the antioxidants (or so I tell myself) and whenever I feel a serious urge for a cigarette or see someone smoking one I just pop a nicotine lozenge and I'm good. The comments don't affect me anymore and now that my friends notice that I really mean it this time they're actually being more supportive. It's also gotten a lot easier for me to identify those who were only my friend because I smoked with them. They'll say something like "So I'm gonna have a cigarette now...." and then when I don't respond they will blow the smoke in my direction with no regard and say "Oh sorry I'm smoking right in front of you" and then light another cigarette. I just ignore it and it becomes evident that without the smoking they really don't have anything they want to chat about with me.
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on November 23, 2008 at 3:03pm
Vanessa is great to see you being so strong in your quit. You've got a great attitude going for yourself. You just keep treating yourself to those nice things, 'cause you sure deserve them!
Miss Wynter Permalink Reply by Miss Wynter on November 29, 2008 at 8:47pm
Most of my friends are very supportive...others...not so much. One friend of mine completely mocks my attempts to quit. He's really harsh and sometimes plain mean.
I had a chat with him one day about his poor attitude. To my surprise, I found out that he was upset because he has been trying to quietly quit for months now but has failed over and over again. He said that he was having trouble feeling happy for me and my attempts because he hasn't succeeded yet. In three months, he wants to be smoke-free but is afraid he is not going to make his deadline.
So...after that chat...I kind of see people with negative attitudes about quitting in a different light. Instead of feeling bad about myself when someone approaches me with a negative attitude, I just feel bad for them because I'm sure they are experiencing their own frustrations, disappointments and fears.
Mark Permalink Reply by Mark on January 5, 2009 at 10:14pm
Simply tell them not to worry about it. No need to trouble their mind with something they're clearly not even a part of. And, on your part, definitely do not worry about them. I'm on my 8 or 9th quit attempt myself, and this time I didn't tell anybody my plans to quit, partly because, like you, I didn't want to hear all the sarcastic comments, and partly because there's simply no point to it. If you really quit smoking people will figure it out on their own.
cassieboj Permalink Reply by cassieboj on January 6, 2009 at 1:52pm
How bout a boyfriend who doesn't smoke but doesn't seem very helpful as well??
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on January 6, 2009 at 2:38pm
Get a new boyfriend? Sorry, couldn't resist. Find a friend who does go all out to support you. We all need at least one of those. A lot of people who have never smoked haven't a clue as to the nature of this addiction. If your boyfriend is supportive in other areas but not in this particular one, that could be the reason. If he has any kind of addiction himself (whether it's playing video games or eating too much candy), you might suggest that he try to give it up and see how he feels when he does. It will give him an inkling as to what you're going through. If if he doesn't help, not hindering is a step in the right direction. Keep that in mind.
Jennie Permalink Reply by Jennie on January 7, 2009 at 9:49am
Awww man misery loves company...
This is my 1st time shareing this on ex even though it happened like almost 2mo.ago,I think cause at the time I was just starting out new at my job and finishing up my g.e.d. classes and quite busy...
I have a friend,shes not the greatest friend but I've known her since she was like 12.I had'nt talked w- her in about a year when I recieved a phone call that she was distressed having man probs...We get together that night for drinks 1st thing she hands me a pack of cigs ,(I had told her in the call earlier that I had quit 5mo. eariler) Well I was a lil tempted YES being out drinking ,being w- my old smoking buddy.I just had to laugh at her,whatever she replies and goes out to smoke(I live in N.Y. state,no smoking in bars here) Anyhow we got really drunk and we walk no stumble back to my house she tried to smoke in my house and I swear I had to pick her drunk ,disorderly butt up and put her into my back hallway while she was smoking. Argh!She finally passed out on my couch,she was gone when I woke up ashamed of herself I am sure.I did not hear from her for a week after.She finally did call to say how sry she was,we have not hung out since though.She remarked in the phone call so wow you really never smoke not 1 ever? No not ever I said those things travel in packs , she did'nt get it....I was not surprised.
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on January 7, 2009 at 3:35pm
What a story that is, Jennie. Shows great strength of character. You're a leader. Keep on leading away.
RJ Permalink Reply by RJ on January 7, 2009 at 5:15pm
time to sever that "friendship" screw em it's your quit, your life, your happiness, if they cant celebrate with you then drop em like a dirty diaper. RJ
Tigs Permalink Reply by Tigs on January 8, 2009 at 12:48pm
I know this is an older thread, but I just had to add something in. Hopefully, after 2 months in, your "friends" have stopped this stuff, but maybe someone else's friends will give similar comments and maybe these will help:
"What is this, the 30th time? Well, good luck with that"
1. "Thank you. I knew you'd be behind me" (pretend it really was a well-wishing - makes em feel bad!)
2. "Well, you learn something new every time, and every day - at least some of us do...
3. I don't know which time, but you're right, its getting up there. That's why this has to be THE time, its getting too high for me to count!
"Once a smoker, always a smoker. You just have to do it in moderation"
1. You have that *almost* right: Once an addict, always an addict. That's why moderation won't work.
Hope your staying strong, in spite of the challenges!
David Furgerson Permalink Reply by David Furgerson on January 29, 2009 at 1:06pm
Try to avoid them if possible.
Denise28 Permalink Reply by Denise28 on March 28, 2009 at 7:46am
I just used this one to someone. "At least I won't be the fool paying $10/pack on April 1". That person also does not believe that they are going up a few dollars either. Can't wait til April 1.
linda Permalink Reply by linda on March 30, 2009 at 1:13pm
my friends and my husband are non supportive in my quit they say if i smoked over 20 years which i did 34 to be exact that it wont make any difference if i stop now i need some stats to prove they are all wrong!
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on March 30, 2009 at 2:39pm
Here's a link for stats: When you Quit. Below is a short version of them. Or do you own Google search, just put in "what happens when you quit smoking." You'll get a ton of statistical info. Your friend and your husband are just ignorant of the facts.
* In 20 minutes your blood pressure will drop back down to normal.
* In 8 hours the carbon monoxide (a toxic gas) levels in your blood stream will drop by half, and oxygen levels will return to normal.
* In 48 hours your chance of having a heart attack will have decreased. All nicotine will have left your body. Your sense of taste and smell will return to a normal level.
* In 72 hours your bronchial tubes will relax, and your energy levels will increase.
* In 2 weeks your circulation will increase, and it will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks.
* In three to nine months coughs, wheezing and breathing problems will dissipate as your lung capacity improves by 10%.
* In 1 year your risk of having a heart attack will have dropped by half.
* In 5 years your risk of having a stroke returns to that of a non-smoker.
* In 10 years your risk of lung cancer will have returned to that of a non-smoker.
* In 15 years your risk of heart attack will have returned to that of a non-smoker.
Tangerine Permalink Reply by Tangerine on June 8, 2009 at 11:25am
I am quitting tomorrow, but I am not sure how to handle my favorite social situation. I go swing dancing once a week and all my friends smoke and drink at the event. I love to go dancing but I don't think I can handle not smoking, much less not drinking if I go. My best friend goes as well and it is fun to hang out with her. She is somewhat supportive, about not smoking but does not understand that I may not be able to drink for fear of relapsing.
Is my only choice not to go for a long while?
Thanks for the help,
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on June 9, 2009 at 4:51am
(Tried to get this reply on yesterday. Are you all having as much trouble as I am with the Ex site the past couple of days?)
Tangerine Hi there and Welcome to Relapse Traps. If you read the material in this group, you will see that most of the advice given tends to be toward staying away from strong triggers until you get a handle on your quit. Doesn't necessarily have to be a "long while," - that makes the whole quitting process sound terrible. Only YOU can judge when you're strong enough to overcome temptation. But common sense dictates that you definitely should avoid situations which will only encourage and entice you to smoke - like swing dancing with your friends. Skip it for a week at least, maybe two. Then when you go, go prepared. Go, but don't drink. Have an escape plan, or some method of getting out of there if the urge becomes overpowering. Tell your friends to NOT offer you any cigarettes, no matter how much you may beg! Tell your best friend to be your safety net and get you out of there if necessary. Of course if she's drinkin' and is out of it, she won't be any use to you.
The first month of your quit is an incredibly vulnerable time. It takes effort and stamina, perseverance and a willingness to experience whatever the demon may throw at you. It takes commitment. And every day you don't smoke, you will get stronger at resisting the urges. After a single week you will feel so amazing proud and strong and you won't believe that you ever smelled the way you did as a smoker.
Anyway, yeah, stay away for a while from the swing dancing. I mean, if you were a chocolate addict trying to give it up, would you go to your regular weekly chocolate dessert parties?? Ya know? I stopped drinking coffee, for example, when I first quit because I knew it would make me want one. But it wasn't long before I was back to the coffee. Just had to get acclimated. Don't think in terms of "long while" or "forever." Makes it too enormous. Take it a day at a time.
Cheering you on!
Cindy Wilson Permalink Reply by Cindy Wilson on June 9, 2009 at 3:59pm
Tangerine, you might be surprised, but Giulia is right on this. I actually skipped a dinner/party, with drinking and dancing and I love to dance, but there was no escape route and I knew it going in, so I opted to stay home. it wasn't forever and the next big event, I planned and had my escape route, went and had a wonderful time, but I was feeling stronger and knew I could do it:) Trust us you only want to go through it once, so try to do everything to make that once a successful once. Congrats on your decison, it will make you a better swing dancer, that takes energy and who knows you may be so good you start a trend:)
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on June 9, 2009 at 4:03pm
Whaddaya mean "you might be surprised but Giulia's right on this."????? I thought I was ALWAYS right. HA! LOL.
Cindy Wilson Permalink Reply by Cindy Wilson on June 10, 2009 at 7:00am
ROFLOL, Of course you are typo!!!!
Karen Permalink Reply by Karen on June 10, 2009 at 9:43pm
I say "Yeah, not smoking with my friends is the hardest part of quitting, but thanks for the support." That shuts them up.
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on June 10, 2009 at 9:59pm
Well you just keep shutting them up there Karen with your smoke free conviction!!
Karen Permalink Reply by Karen on June 10, 2009 at 10:01pm
I'm not doing so well, Giulia. I slipped up and now I have to start over. New quit date is June 15th. Am I ever going to kill this beast?
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on June 10, 2009 at 10:11pm
The answer to that, my sweet, is entirely up to YOU. The beast is killed by ignoring it. It dies from lack of attention. When it's not in the limelight it just withers away. It is fed when you leave the possibility of smoking open in your mind. Then it will continue to whisper and haunt you. When you are convicted, you convict IT. When you mean "not one puff ever," it dies right on the spot. Continue to try to make that your mantra and you will indeed kill the beast.
Here's to June 15th!
Kristi Permalink Reply by Kristi on August 18, 2009 at 1:13pm
Yes, I have friends EXACTLY like this!! In my quit attempt I realize they are the WORST for me! I have not answered their phone calls since I quit. Which Im only on day 4. I think deep down,they resent us,because we are stronger than them. Because we can actually make the attempt.i have a friend that says, "How long will this time last?" (This is my 3rd try in 3years) I just tell her the average person tries 7 times before they successfully quit. One of these times is bound to be the time. That or ignore the ph. calls! We need NO negative comments,it only brings us down!
Giulia Permalink Reply by Giulia on August 18, 2009 at 4:32pm
Doesn't matter a hoot what friends think about you and your quit - only what YOU do. Hang in Kristi!
barbara Permalink Reply by barbara on August 18, 2009 at 4:40pm
i so agree with Giula, it does not matter a whit about what your friends say, they are jealouse that you have the balls to do it
Maria Permalink Reply by Maria on August 20, 2009 at 8:30pm
Edith said something that made perfect sense to me. She said, "This is my quit, I worked for it, I earned it...and nobody can mess it up or take it away from me. It's mine"...Well that's pretty close to what she said anyhow...and it's how I feel about my quit. It's mine...;-) And know what? We get kinda posessive about it after a while! ;-)
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