on Jul 22, 2008Before you buy that pack, replay in your mind your last relapse. Or if you haven't yet relapsed imagine what it will be like when and if you do.
"My mind tells me I want to smoke....so I get my purse.....get my car keys (or if I'm out in the car I go to a gas station)....I walk in....I'm already feeling guilty....but my craving is taking hold of me....I ask for a pack of Marlboro Lights Box...there's a little angel on my shoulder tapping me....I don't feel good about asking for a pack....but I want it...asking for a pack - saying those words makes me know I'm about to fail....but I think I will just smoke one....but I secretly know if I do, I will smoke the whole pack...one part of me is screaming not to...the other part is simply a gut reaction that has no basis in choosing....it's simply a want...but it's screaming louder...the pack is presented to me...I put the money down...and take the pack...I unwrap it on the way to the car...because I can't wait...I put the wrapper in my pocket because I don't want my husband to see it...I'll throw it out later..I turn the car on auxiliary and open the window because a car closed up full of smoke is unpleasant...I am no longer thinking, I no longer feel the angel's tap...it is just feeling...I have lost all control...I take a match from my visor which I've left there and light the cigarette...and inhale - gently...because I know that I haven't smoked in a while it will seem harsh...and ah God it tastes good...well, perhaps not as good as it was, it is a bit harsh and does make me a little dizzy...oh and slightly nauseous...but I know that will pass soon enough...and by the end of the cigarette, which I smoke down to practically nothing but the filter, I've gotten used to it again...what doesn't occur to me is that I'm now hooked again...that that's all it took...I think - that's it, I'm only smoking this one...and then I get home having secreted the pack somewhere in my purse...and I know it's there...and it starts calling me like a Siren, niggling at my mind...and you all know the rest of the story....".
Or - the scenario I prefer to imagine:
"My mind tells me I want to smoke...so I get my purse...drive to a gas station...walk in...ask for pack of Marlboro Lights Box and at that moment alarm bells start going off in my head...you can't do this...DON'T do this. You Don't want to have To Go Through the QUITTING PROCESS ALL OVER AGAIN...YOU DON'T WANT ANOTHER DAY ONE...and as the guy behind the counter is turning back to me with the pack in his hand I literally run out of the place....I get in my car...close the door...and sit there breathing hard because I almost blew it...I was that close...I was that close...and my heart is beating so fast...and I'm gulping air...and I've got goose bumps all over my body because adrenaline is pumping through my cells...and I'm not even thinking...just feeling...until slowly it all subsides and thought process comes back and I realize I did it...somehow I did it...I didn't buy the cigarettes...and I'm rather amazed and a little light headed...and I drive off in wonder with my mouth slightly open....and then remember to thank the little angel on my shoulder...."
This is the original from which I wrote my own version above: REPLAY THE RELAPSE
Check this out: Relapse and Persistence
This is a GOOD friend !!!!
I went through a mental tug of war yesterday....that "Just one puff...take the edge off" monster. The nicodemon was CREATING the stress; then offering a way to relieve the stress; make it "all better" !!! I absolutely freaked out !!!
I REFUSE to go thru another Day 1 !!!!
I REFUSE to damage my lungs anymore than I already have !!! Now; they heal !!!
I REFUSE to make my non-smoking husband put up with my smelly hair and clothes !!!
I REFUSE to put myself through the guilt of a relapse !!!
I REFUSE to give up my 43 non-smoking days !!
I KNOW why I am here....this program and the support here works...WE do it....WE are WINNERS !!!
Thanx to ALL of you !!!!!
Major congratulations on your month smoke free. At four weeks you're "starting to get out from under" it. "Starting" is the key word here. This addiction can ALWAYS take you by surprise. I've been quit for almost two and a half years and it can still grab me but good every once in a blue moon. And I too look forward to the day when the smell of cigarette smoke seems disgusting. But I don't know if it will ever happen for me. No matter. I will say no to the cravings, no matter what. And that's what you must do to be free of this. I feel as long as I still want one, I'm still vulnerable. And so I must protect my quit at all costs. That's why I created this group. To protect quits.
Real glad you came here instead of going to the store. Real glad.
I was at CVS last night, and took a good look at my new enemy, the lines of boxes behind the counter. It felt good that I had no inclination to buy one, just a sense of what a mess they could have continued to turn my life into. No matter how lined up and pretty those boxes appear, I will always just see that mess.
Best wishes and prayers for all the people out there who are struggling or have struggled with this addiction! Let me know if there is any way I can help. We can beat it together!!
75 days, and I haven't managed ONE until now...help
Yep, hubby smokes in his office. He even has agreed to smoke only in the back area by his computer (my comp is there too, cause its the warmest room). I have chosen to go in there, and mostly its fine.....but when its not, I go get under the nice warm comforter in the bedroom and read, or exercise on the ski machine, or cook, or clean. 13 hours so far, more than 1/2way through day 1! I WILL make it. And then I won't ever have to go through Day 1 again lolol
freedom for 32 months,
stress situation,
thought of "just one",
relapse with just one, and another and another,
depression, sense of failure, loss of pride, accaptance of smoking till death, more depression, health issues, teeth getting loose,
five years of feeding the addiction to the tune of 2 packs or more a day till my wallet screamed,
New Quit, followed by education, success
NTAP NOPE
RJ Free at Last 480 days.
Excellant post G!
I’m in tears ... I am on day 1 and that was so on the money ... wow . I don’t want to quit again
"I don’t want to quit again." You don't have to. Today, your "day one" is now over. You don't have to quit again, unless you smoke tomorrow. Today can be the day you never have to quit again, because you've done it. It's over. If you've agreed to never put a cigarette in your mouth again. Don't cry. Rejoice. You're free. If you wanna be. It's really that simple. You never have to quit again once you agree to remain free. Think about it.
Welcome to EX...Cecesntraffic you really do NOT have to quit again...keep this quit going and treasure it and protect it with all that you are. It will grow and grow and so will YOU. Stay close to the site and participate by commenting on blogs, by blogging yourself, and take the Daily Pledge in the morning...take the hand of another person on this journey and commit to staying smoke free one day at a time. Ride the Freedom Train and celebrate the milestones of other people who are EXers. Both are found at the top of the page under celebrations and events. I have been here for close to four years and my quit is very solid but being reminded of that every day makes it even stronger.
I came to this site every morning and every evening and, for the most part, I still do. This site offers education and support, the likes of which I don't think I have ever found anywhere else. The commitment is yours, we will help you along the way. We have ALL been where you are and we have all had a day one.
Ellen
THANK YOU Giulia for sharing both versions of this "nightmare" with me. It was so close, that "almost- relapse" for me, that it scared me. I'm incorporating these two posts into my mind and into my heart and I pray they stay there and that I will remember them so that I will never relapse again; my two weeks of "back-sliding" over the Christmas holidays, before I put my cross up as collateral, need to be my last. I need to stay the course~
We each have to write our own relapse story, I think. Preferable BEFORE it happens. Cravings in the beginning are triggered by the physical need for nicotine, after months of being off it, it's more the emotions that drive the craving. When we can step back from the emotions and pause to think (not just react), and really contemplate what smoking that cigarette, getting that vape will mean, it can help prevent a disaster. You took the time to think it out. And that saved you. Glad!
Thank you, my friend ~Suzy
More than a little scary....