Scared Smokeless??????

Discussion created by Giulia Champion on Nov 13, 2008
Latest reply on Dec 20, 2008 by mike42
(This was posted as a blog on Carlie's page Nov. 11, 2008. It is reprinted here with her permission.)

"I know I am truly blessed here on this site....Every morning when I sign onto my Page, there is always a comment, or a cute graphic on my page, to bring a smile to my face.

Then I start reading and getting caught up...and I wonder WHO will cave today ??? It gets a bit depressing sometimes....but that's an improvement; cuz it used to be totally destroying for me....I must be getting better. Can't fix the whole world....everyone quits at their own pace...yadda, yadda, yadda !!! No long comments on that one...OK ?? I got it !!

I'm learning...and I have more to learn. My quit is good; and it's sound; and solid...134 days, and I'm happy. My hubby said last night it's like I never, ever smoked !!! That was cool. Now, instead of saying goofey things like "This quit was so EASY for you !" and taking the chance I will rip his head off.....he now acknowledges that this WASN'T easy...but I am doing it - and he's proud of me !!! (much better!!)

I had to catch myself the other day....I was reading how this one, and that one, started smoking again...but only for a few days...or only for a week...and they came back to quit again....and I was jealous. - - Jealous, that they could go and have a day or a week of smoking, and I couldn't !!! Did I REALLY want a cigarette ??? (RED FLAGS.....DANGER... WILL ROBINSON !!!!) That really made for a difficult few days...and I read...and I read some more !!! YES - DAMMIT...I WANTED A CIG - -and it's the addiction talking to me...uh-huh...".take a week; relax, and enjoy yourself - you can quit later........."

I'll be honest with you - - IT SACRED THE HELL OUT OF ME !!! I read and re-read posts on Giulia's Relapse page...and posts on Peggy's page...and Debbie's blog recently where she spoke for alot of us...I feel bad for those that have relapsed...but we are learning SO much. And what I started seeing, was that those people that took a few days or a week or so, weren't coming back in and picking up their quit where they left off....whether they had 100 days - - or 6 months...they are starting at day 1 !!! And having a HELL of a hard time doing it !!!! I have seen in the past few months, what I thought was a "good strong quit"...and the person relapsed....started to quit again - - and relapsed again !!! My mind is boggled - - my heart is heavy - - - I remember I quit in 1995....made it to almost a year and in 1996 I picked up a cigarette. One of my kids were driving me crazy...and it was an excuse -"stress" - I'll quit in a few days; once I'm calmed down. I tried....lasted one week; and I fell. I beat myself up SO bad, I cried (and smoked) for 2 weeks. I felt like such a failure. I "quit" again...and made it 3 months....and when I started smoking again, I KNEW I was totally screwed. I gave up. I didn't have the tools...I didn't have the support. But I DID have chronic bronchitis...and that was not going to get any better !!!! Many, many times in my life I have "quit"...only to start again !!! I know it is a common thread we all share, too !!! But this is my FINAL quit....because now I have the TOOLS....and the SUPPORT !!!

Do I want a cigarette today ??? NO - NO WAY !!!!! I got scared...what if I couldn't make it back here...and quit again ??? I am glad, today, to have the energy and peace of mind to try to help others any way I can !!!!

And I am learning..and I have more to learn. I keep reading....and re-reading.

I am still scared...but it's good to know that - - because while I am scared, I am aware...and on my guard !!! I understand now - I am a QUITTER - - I have quit smoking....and Not One Puff Ever !!!!!!! I cannot...I CANNOT...have just one cigarette...there is NO such thing !!!

I have 134 days today - I WILL make it to 6 months...and then to 1 YEAR.....and on and on !!! I WILL !!!!!

So Mote It Be !!!!!"