It has been a frustrating day. I seem to have a bad case of the 'sadim hcuot', a self-claimed coin of a phrase (a hint: it's the 'midas touch' backwards). I've been awake since 3 a.m. since my brain was on fast forward but the body was on WTF why am I up. Many things I've tried to do today couldn't be done due to lack of supplies I thought I had, everyone here is sick, it's been raining all day too. I'm late getting Christmas stuff going and when I went to write Christmas cards the box of 16 contained 6 that were fine and 10 that the message inside wasn't printed correctly and was barely readable! I've been in a pi$$y mood and even want to throw stuff! My brain has been screaming at me to smoke. The rest of me is telling my brain to shut up, it's just because I used to handle stress by smoking but now I don't and I just have to find another way to deal with it. I'm relying on the good lord and all of you that gave me the greatest advice when I first started this journey. No amount of anger or depression is helped in any way by putting a nasty cigarette in my mouth. It will just add to the anger because I messed up, make me more depressed because I felt lost and gave up the fight, and smoking is not my friend nor my comfort blanket, it wants my soul. It is evil in the guise of relief. Why after 52 days am I trying to find a reason to go back? Is it just a part of NML? I cannot give in to the demon and I took the pledge that I wouldn't smoke today no matter what. I am N.O.P.E-ing my little heart out today. I will make this day a learning experience so I can look back and see that I didn't break down today so I can make it through the next one better. Please send prayers for me to succeed in the battle for my freedom from the monster of smoking. I'm working this quit but hanging on a few threads on the rope today. "NOPE Julie, NOPE Julie, NOPE Julie..."!
52 Days Without the Devil!! Please help me make it to 53. Thank you my friends.