Smell of smoke and smoke residue noxious

[KatyDid1974]

I am an ex-smoker since 11/1/2013. I smoked for more than 20 years and married a smoker who quit in early 2014.  A little over a year ago my spouse began smoking again, lying, and hiding, which I am sure do to extreme emotional and financial stress to my oldest teen S.D. needing alcohol and drug rehab. My S.D. was smoking so spouse started smoking again. Now S.D. finally graduated and quit smoking to boot, and spouse still smoking. I’ve tried being supportive because I know how hard it is to quit. I am just at my limit. The smell of smoke and smoke residue (second and third hand smoke) is now noxious to me. If my spouse smokes recently before bed I have to ask that they strip out of Smokey clothes, brush teeth, and wash thoroughly before climbing next to me because I can’t breath or start throwing up.  This then frustrates my Spouse who sees me as a hypocrite because I used to smoke and no matter how much encouragement I offer takes it that I have an agenda if I complain about the smell, ask them not to smoke around me, to not smoke in the car (that was rule before), not smoke within 20 feet of windows and doors (also rule before), and to wash smoke residue off them, and to please not use frame or any other exterior of our house (not exaggerating) or lawn and flower beds as an ashtray. I get that my spouse is frustrated and has an addiction but can’t seem to get through to them, while violent vomiting, how noxious and putrid the the smoking and residue smells. 

I know that I can certainly be more supportive but honesty feel betrayed and I am myself frustrated with them because feel they are not respecting a boundary.

[Tammyzhere]

S.D. = step daughter? 

[KatyDid1974]

Yes

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[KatyDid1974]

Yes

[Tammyzhere]

I've been on both ends of this situation.   As a smoker, I remember being harassed about it by my friend Lori who had quit.  It was really annoying.   She couldn't stand to be around it.  On the other hand, I remember sitting on the couch when my daughter walked in the door.  As a non-smoker, I could smell the smoke on her 20 ft away and it was vile.   I said, "OMG, YOU REEK - GO TAKE A SHOWER."

As a smoker - I really could not smell the smoke.  Only on a rare occasion.  If I did smell it, it just made me wanna smoke.  Most of my friends and family were also smokers so it really wasn't an issue.   I 

As a non smoker - I can smell it a block away and it smells terrible.  

While it may have been a contributing factor, I don't think the S.D. is to blame for the spouse's smoking.  Smokers smoke cuz that's what smokers do.  My dad quit about 10 years before my mom did.  My son in law quit 2 years ago and my daughter is still smoking.  I think it's ok if you are frustrated, complain about the smell and have "an agenda."   I don't think it's necessary to be supportive of other people's bad behavior.  In fact, I think that's enabling.  However, to go to the other extreme of feeling betrayed because, an addict does what they do... is a bit self centered.  They do what they do because, that's what they have to do - it really doesn't have anything to do with u.   

[KatyDid1974]

The betrayal goes a bit further. We were trying to get pregnant and fertility doctor instructed that my spouse absolutely must quit, begin taking vitamin c, etc. the betrayal is the fact that my spouse lied, hid smoking, used joint funds marked for SDs treatment and rehab to support habit.  The betrayal is my spouse making me jump through fertility hoops, drug and surgical treatments, etc. while lighting up behind my back. 

It’s a lot to ASK someone to go through extreme medical procedures for you, then turn around and do exact opposite of medical advice which wasted the one and only opportunity treatment because they choose to smoke, then lie about it.

[Tammyzhere]

addicts lie - that's what addicts do

unless they don't have to 

it's hard not to take that personal

but, for real - it's not about you

[Tammyzhere]

that hurtful thing

is that they wanna smoke

no - actually they have to smoke

more than they wanna 

be honest with u 

Maybe her smoking is her way of letting you know

that she is not on board with the baby thing?

[KatyDid1974]

I am the her. He continues keeps to push for the baby and that ship has sailed because further medical and surgical solutions no longer an option. Was a one shot instance.

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[Tammyzhere]

I just saw a few posts about quitting with a smoking partner.  Maybe you will be able to do a search and find them?  Maybe that will help?