Not a good night

[minihorses]

  Yesterday afternoon and evening was not what I would call a good one. I was having a bipolar meltdown. I know the script of the movie that usually occurs when I need to talk about how I feel, especially when it comes to husband and family. So, I write and I did. The words were of how I'm a horrible, lazy, person who does not take care of my husband, family, anything around the house (I couldn't tell you the last time I cleaned more than 2 rooms) and that I'm not worthy of  even wasting another precious day of God's gift of life. I love my husband deeply but I'm sick of his pattern of coming home from work, going straight out to the garage to start up his work computer, opening a beer and popping in a movie. He stays out there and works from home (which he doesn't get paid for), piddles around with stuff, fixing some stuff and having a few beers. He rarely comes in to have dinner and we don't sleep in the same room. I just want some attention and conversation. We might talk 5 minutes a day and now that I don't go out to smoke we don't even talk that long. It hurts. 

Then I realized that I get more love and support from people on this site that I don't even know than I do from my family!

So today is another day and I'll do my best to pick myself up and brush of the quicksand. I'll try to do better at life than I did yesterday. I'll try to care more about the good things and not focus on what I feel is missing. I'll have that chat with the lady in the glass and work towards loving her. There is one thing that I REFUSE to do, smoke! If I have strength enough for that I can make it through another challenging bipolar day. 

So thanks my friends for helping me along my journey.

Julie      30 DOF!!!

[YoungAtHeart]

There are days I threaten to cross stitch a pillow that says: " We are born.  Life is a b*tch.  And then we die."  But - then, like you, I pick myself up, dust myself off and start off a new day, trying to find SOMETHING in it that brings me joy.  Perhaps it would help if you task yourself with finding something each day, too. Or, perhaps, write each evening one thing for which you are grateful.  I assume you have enough to eat ---- and that can be enough some days?. And don't forget - the only yardstick that matters is your own.  YOU are enough; what you are able to do IS enough, you are a valuable and loved person.  Try not to forget that, either!

I don't suffer with mental illness or any of the daily struggles with pain of some here, but I do find that life can be challenging.  If you aren't smoking over what you have been dealt, then you have something EVERY day for which to be proud!  Don't forget that!

Nancy

[minihorses]

I am very proud of myself that I still don't want to smoke even if things are going rough for me. It's a first. It's another day and I am going to have a great one come heck or high water! I'm working on an embroidery project so that helps when I need a mental break too. Thanks for your encouraging words

Julie 

[dlane68]

I know how you feel. I was in a relationship like that, single now, still does not make life better. I have tons of family around me and I still feel like I am facing the world alone. I am trying this again and I know they are not going to be there for me and I have accepted that. Sometimes I forget that I am not the only one that has struggles. Thank you for being open, you are an encouragement and I will keep you in my prayers.

[minihorses]

Your welcome. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is comforting to know there are people we don't even know supporting us in not only smoking cessation but with all the crap that goes on in our lives. You're not alone. This site has more therapeudic people than any professional I've been to. Feel free to contact me anytime for any reason. Doesn't have to be smoking related. We'll make it through 

[elvan]

Julie, First of all CONGRATULATIONS on 30 days of freedom, that is a milestone....I am really proud of you.  I am sorry to say that I know how you feel from personal experience.  My husband is a recovering alcoholic and has been for over 33 years...he seems to have exchanged his addiction to alcohol to an addiction to things...he hoards the strangest things and the idea is that he is going to sell them because they are worth money.  Seriously...they are worth money??? Then SELL them and stop piling them in the basement.  There are days when I certainly feel like I am in this life alone...we have not slept in the same room in years but that is my choice.  He does not help around the house...he only mows the lawn when we get a threatening letter from the city.  He has not contributed financially in three years and before that, it was sporadic at best.  I have many people ask me why I stay, I can't answer that to anyone's satisfaction. I can tell you that there are many days when I don't clean the way I should, I have to budget my energy and oftentimes the energy I have goes into things other than cleaning.  I actually wrote this response this morning but then everything that could distract me seemed to happen all at once.

Hugs,

Ellen

[minihorses]

Hello Ellen,

I was just considering what you said about your husband hoarding things in the basement and I wondered if you had ever taken one or two small items, maybe from near the bottom of the pile, put them in your car and took them to a dumpster. Would he even notice that those items were gone? It may be that he has collected so much crap he doesn't even know what he has down there anymore. If he asks where they are you could just tell him that you don't know, that you wouldn't have touched anything because it was his stuff not yours, and that it must be there somewhere. Just wondering. I can be a devious little Bi--H when I need to 

Julie

[elvan]

Believe me, I have thought about it but the stuff is so precariously balanced down there that if I tried to move something, it would likely be that a pile of stuff would fall down.  Much of the stuff is from the old house, it is badly damaged from the fire and it SMELLS.  I cannot breathe down there for more than a few minutes.  There have been time when I was down there that it made me wheeze so badly that I had to use my inhaler as soon as I got up the stairs.  I have asked him to get the stuff out of there...seriously, it is an illness.  The American Psychiatric Association has recognized hoarding as a form of OCD and it is a very difficult thing to treat, let alone, cure. He is more attached to his THINGS than he is to his family.  It is sad but it is also true.  Years ago, I left for six months and went to live in NY thinking that it would shock him into changing...it actually made things much worse.  I took many things out of the house just in case he got angry and decided to get rid of MY stuff.  He never even noticed and I took out several carloads.  It wasn't HIS stuff so he didn't care.  I put the stuff in storage and took some with me to NY to my daughter's house.  I just might have been more miserable than he was.  Thanks for the suggestion though.

[minihorses]

Dang, it was worth a shot. He sounds like someone that is saying 'I don't have a problem, and I don't need any medicines, it's just a hobby'. I know hoarding is a mental illness as I have known other hoarders in my time and they have all said the same about themselves in one way or another. That doesn't make it any easier for you because your'e the one that is stuck dealing and living with it. I have a kinda personal question so if you don't want to answer it that's fine.  He knows that what's in the basement is detrimental to your health and probably his as well. Doesn't he care that his 'treasures' are causing more medical problems for you and probably him as well? Like I said you don't have to answer that if you don't want to.  I am praying for you, your health, and well-being. Hugs!

Julie

[elvan]

Oh, I'll answer, yes, he knows, he knew that the stuff in the house that burned was detrimental not only to my physical health but to the psychological health of our kids.  He just keeps saying that it is going to change, he is going to start selling things and, of course, those things are worth a LOT of money in his mind.  I cannot tell you how many things burned in that house and how he mourns those things every single day.  I think there is some early dementia going on as well and there is no way that he can put my health above his stuff. He works in the basement for hours and hours at night and I cannot ever even see a change when I go down there.  It always looks like a jungle and aside from the fumes from the dust and the mildew and the burned items...it is dangerous to navigate down there.  He is probably less stable walking than I am, he is overweight and has a hip replacement that is almost 30 years old so his balance is compromised.  Believe me, I have tried everything, including an intervention with family members involved.  I am sure that if it accelerates my COPD and he is TOLD that by a medical professional, he will still be able to come up with a different reason why I am getting worse.  I do not have the energy to fight about it every day, I just can't do it...believe me, I have tried.

I will likely never refuse to answer a question, it is just not who I am.

Hugs,

Ellen