Yesterday afternoon and evening was not what I would call a good one. I was having a bipolar meltdown. I know the script of the movie that usually occurs when I need to talk about how I feel, especially when it comes to husband and family. So, I write and I did. The words were of how I'm a horrible, lazy, person who does not take care of my husband, family, anything around the house (I couldn't tell you the last time I cleaned more than 2 rooms) and that I'm not worthy of even wasting another precious day of God's gift of life. I love my husband deeply but I'm sick of his pattern of coming home from work, going straight out to the garage to start up his work computer, opening a beer and popping in a movie. He stays out there and works from home (which he doesn't get paid for), piddles around with stuff, fixing some stuff and having a few beers. He rarely comes in to have dinner and we don't sleep in the same room. I just want some attention and conversation. We might talk 5 minutes a day and now that I don't go out to smoke we don't even talk that long. It hurts.
Then I realized that I get more love and support from people on this site that I don't even know than I do from my family!
So today is another day and I'll do my best to pick myself up and brush of the quicksand. I'll try to do better at life than I did yesterday. I'll try to care more about the good things and not focus on what I feel is missing. I'll have that chat with the lady in the glass and work towards loving her. There is one thing that I REFUSE to do, smoke! If I have strength enough for that I can make it through another challenging bipolar day.
So thanks my friends for helping me along my journey.
Julie 30 DOF!!!
There are days I threaten to cross stitch a pillow that says: " We are born. Life is a b*tch. And then we die." But - then, like you, I pick myself up, dust myself off and start off a new day, trying to find SOMETHING in it that brings me joy. Perhaps it would help if you task yourself with finding something each day, too. Or, perhaps, write each evening one thing for which you are grateful. I assume you have enough to eat ---- and that can be enough some days?. And don't forget - the only yardstick that matters is your own. YOU are enough; what you are able to do IS enough, you are a valuable and loved person. Try not to forget that, either!
I don't suffer with mental illness or any of the daily struggles with pain of some here, but I do find that life can be challenging. If you aren't smoking over what you have been dealt, then you have something EVERY day for which to be proud! Don't forget that!
Nancy