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Give and get support around quitting

Helpamanda
Member

My partner smokes

I've tried and tried again, we both have. One caves and the other always follows. This time I've made a commitment to stop regardless if he is done or not. He's away for work,  I've made it two days so far without too many issues. He will be home in 3 more days. Hopefully with a good 5-6 days under my belt i will be able to stay smoke free. Has anyone else had this problem? I almost want to ask him not to smoke on the premises at all (usually the garage). Is that fair I just don't want it around period. Thoughts 

11 Replies
YoungAtHeart
Member

Welcome to our community!

Congratulations on your decision to quit!  While I did not have a person around me who smoked, I know others here have been successful in that situation, and I hope they will chime in.  You absolutely have the right to ask him to smoke outside.  The secondhand smoke is not good for either of you, and I know it will make it more difficult for you.  He also should not smoke inside your car/truck.  You should ask him to keep his cigarettes, lighter, and ashtray out of your sight. 

The most important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” This is an easy and entertaining read. You can search for a free pdf of it on the net (copyright enforcement won't allow me to post the link here).

 You should also read the posts here and perhaps go to the pages of folks who you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com, quitsmokingonline.com and livewell.com for the good information contained there. @https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/best-of-ex has lots of blogs written by members of this site with their experiences and guidance. You should also do the tracking and separation exercises suggested in My Quit Plan http://www.becomeanex.org/my-quit-plan.php

After you have completed the recommended reading, it will be time to make an informed choice of the quit aid, if any, you will use. If you go that route, I personally recommend the aids that don't let the addict control the dose such as the available prescription drugs or the patch. If used properly, gum, lozenges and inhalers are fine, but they need to be used only as a last resort.  I have seen folks become addicted to them if they substitute them for every cigarette they used to smoke - just trading one addiction for another.  I do not recommend the e-cigarette for three reasons: 1) the vapor has been compared to the polluted air in Bejing on a bad day, 2) they just provide another nicotine delivery system while continuing the hand to mouth smoking motion, and 3) the batteries can spontaneously catch on fire. . But – any method that you think will work well for you will be best for you.

The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand. If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different. Buy your gas at a different station. Take a different route to work. Take a quick walk at break time where the smokers AREN'T.

You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time.  You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits.    Get busy!  Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...

The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.

Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!

Nancy

Jennifer-Quit
Member

There are several successful quitters here who live with people that smoke.  I admire them because they made a commitment to themselves to not smoke no matter what.  I certainly think that having certain areas designated as no smoking is not an unreasonable request.  Perhaps he will decide to join you?  Bottom line - this quit is YOURS and no one can take it away from you!

Rick_M
Member

Congrats to you for quitting smoking, I bet you already find breathing easier and less shortness of breath.. I too quit with a smoker in my life but she only smoked out side and has since quit. It probably made it more difficult with smokes close by but I really think it made my quit even stronger. There is nothing wrong with having your partner smoke outside or in the garage or down the street. You are quitting smoking to save your heath which is more important then where someone smokes. With 5 days quit you are really going the find the smoke smell to be repulsive. Stay quit and stay close to the support here on EX....it really helps......

KMC56
Member

Just remeber N.O.P.E.!   You reap the benefits, and soon your partner will follow.  My son and daughter both smoked at the time I quit...that was 'our together time, break time'  how was I EVER gowing tof manage not sitting outside with my family, w/o smoking???

Well, I was the one who was changing my lifestyle, not them...so I found something else to do during that short 5 minutes. Sure enough I within a year, I enjoy sitting outside with anyone who is smoking.  Miracles!

You can do this...be strong!!

~Kathy

0 Kudos
Sootie
Member

My husband and I both also smoked. Years ago....I quit for quite awhile while he still smoked. I just decided that the whole world was not going to quit just because I had decided to. Unfortunately----that quit failed (but not because my husband smoked....nothing to do with it as a matter of fact).

This time, my husband quit first. Knowing how BAD a person who smokes smells to a non smoker, I simply could not live with smelling like that to my husband! He quit in October 2009 and I quit in November 2009. We have both just celebrated 8 years smoke free.

Your quit is your quit. Don't let ANYTHING influence you except your desire to be FREE from this terrible addiction. I can tell you that it is one of the best decisions you will ever make in your life.

Stay Strong.

Tabbiekat
Member

I won't lie, it is hard, but very doable. Gather as much information as you can from this site, blog posts-do a search for partner and  a lot of posts with people giving ideas will come up. I quit 10/17, I fell for the temptation 10/30 and smoked along with my husband during a stressful drive. He said he would quit, has yet to. He even went back to his full flavor instead of mild a couple days ago. He smokes outside or in the garage and I just avoid being around him when he does. Once a week or so I will be outside with the dog when he comes out and I just quickly make sure he is watching the dog then go inside myself. He smokes in the truck when I am driving, he can't drive right now, and over the last month that was the one time I gave in and slipped and it has also been the hardest times for me. I can handle the drive by myself, but when he smokes it takes a lot. I make sure I have my breath mint in my mouth while he smokes and drink lots of water. I have asked him to minimize the smoking while  in the truck so we will see Wednesday when he goes to his doctors. My roommate also smokes.  We go grocery shopping every week and it used to be we would both light up coming and going to the store. He still smokes, but it is a short drive so as long as I have the mint's I have not given it a second thought. My truck battery was dead this last trip so he drove and I didn't have water or my mints. I said NOPE, and just took  a few cleansing breaths after I got out of his car. I did have a moment, but it passed quickly. You have to want this quit and hold onto it tight even if it means asking your partner not to smoke in certain areas or just avoiding your partner at times. You can do this.

Welcome to EX

elvan
Member

You have gotten some great advice here...do as much reading about this addiction as you can and remember that you own your quit, no one else does and no one can quit FOR you or take your quit FROM you.  This is a journey and it is not easy but it IS possible and it IS worth it, this is the best gift you can give yourself.  I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your partner not to smoke around you, just as a show of support for you.  You CAN do this...we have all been where you are, we are all going to support you in every way that we can. One step at a time, one experience at a time...NOPE, Not One Puff Ever, that was my mantra when I first quit and I said NOPE over and over again, usually to myself but sometimes out loud.  Remember that no crave ever killed anyone but no one can say that about smoking.

Welcome to EX,

Ellen

Helpamanda
Member

I can't thank you all enough for all of your answers and support. I was literally crying reading them all. I'm almost to day 3! I made it through my worst craving right when I get off of work and get home. The "I want a cigarette" thought has to be replaced and I'm making that  happen. I read all these comments when I got home, so so helpful. I got this. I own MY quite. 

Thanks again 

Tammyzhere
Member

Hoping all is well with you and looking forward to hearing how things are going with you.  I'm new too (12 days) so I completely understand.  I realize that it was time to smoke many, many times a day for many, many years - so that message is so ingrained.  It was almost always time to smoke    so, now I think - oh that's when I used to smoke.  I don't smoke anymore.  I'm still getting used to that.  It's a freedom to not have to smoke all the time.  I'm still amused by the novelty of the whole thing.  It's a beautiful gift and I'm just beginning to see all the possibilities now:  clean car, clean house, clean clothes / hair / breath ... pretty white teeth.   Those extended vacations I could not do because, the plane ride would be too long without a smoke.  I used to transfer planes just to be able to have a smoke break after a few hours.  I've turned down paid vacations because, I would not be able to smoke and not smoking - well - that just wasn't an option.  Now it is.