Grieving while free from smoking

[12Finally34]

Do anyone know how cigarette stop the grieving process?

Has anyone every experienced grief caused by murder?

Can anyone describe what forgiveness feels and looks like on an individual?

[bonniebee]

You have some very deep questions Not sure how to answer maybe you should take one question  at a time and give more details .

I know I was smoking when my son died in 1995 from suicide which is not the same as murder but is self murder Smoking did not help or stop the grieving I smoked and smoked but the grief seemed never ending and in fact it does not end it changes . The more love and closeness there was the harder the grief and  sometimes I wanted to hang onto  the pain it was like hanging on to him . It is still painful but life goes on it has been 22 years I have learned to walk with joy and sorrow.... hand in hand .

When quitting smoking it felt like a type of grief and as time goes by it too changes 

I am not sure if my comment has answered any of your questions but it got me thinking .

[12Finally34]

Yes!  

I am in my 10 year of grieving the murder of my son by the police.  

I have so many mixed feelings because he was shot in the center of his back beyond 2 feet.  

At first I had the morbid habit of rereading the autopsy over and over.

I am just so afraid that I will not know how to stop crying.  

After his death so much shame and guilt took over the grief process.  I went to work and isolated myself and refusing to discuss my child.  It is as if I wiped him off the face of the earth untilI was in the privacy of my own home.  

The forgiveness is need for myself.  

Thank you at least I am not feeling so along and yes I understand and feel your pain.

Murder does not give the living a chance to say good by unlike a sickness. 

I become so overwhelmed and so when I asked the questions I am trying to quiet the noise and pain.  

Thank you for the suggestions.  

Thank you for helping me not to feel so alone and ashamed.  

12Finally34

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Many people deal with grief differently and some Folks may develop an Addiction or hide within their Addiction as a result of trying to dull emotional pain. Many of the struggles that arise during any Recovery whether it be Nicotine or Trauma, come from the difficulty of expressing feelings and asking for help. Recovery means re- owning those feelings and when that includes such a traumatic loss it can be very poignant! We are here to help each other! We can't hide or remove the pain but we can listen and empathize. 

I was 18 when I experienced a very traumatic loss. My Cousin killed my Uncle, his Father. It was tremendously difficult! I was not Addicted to Nicotine at the time. I felt such waves of shock and numbness - unreality, I couldn't believe that people still moved in the World because I didn't think I would ever move again myself. But I did! I kept breathing and when I could I took steps one at a time and somehow managed to stay upright. Eventually, little by little, I came into an equilibrium but I had to be patient with myself and let grief run it's course, You can't force it and you can't escape it! 

My experience? Breathe even when you think it's Impossible.

Forgiveness?

In my case it takes a lifetime - not every single day but like an onion, layer after layer after layer!

God Bless!

[12Finally34]

Thanks Thomas,

I am sitting here so full and refusing to let the tears flow and celebrating that I have 31 days without a cigarette.  

Murder is such an ugly business for grief.  

Today I was taking a MRI for my cervical spine.  I found myself crying during the process.  

Try to mingle with people and had to remove my self because people needed to give their opinion of who they think I am and what I should change about myself. 

Have my granddaughter with me and that is trauma.  I can not yell negatively about her mother and yet I am enraged.  My son's beautiful daughter has no teeth - the mother wasn't responsible and allowed my grandchild to have poor dental hygiene.  I am angry!!!  Shocked, my deceased son's girlfriend is facing 10 years and deportation.  My deceased mother's birthday yesterday.   Due to argument with my daughter, I am trying to talk to her with support as well as asking for her upport.

It is different and the cigarette is not missed.  I use the breathing and a straw to get over the both craving and triggers.  

[YoungAtHeart]

I have been fortunate to not lose a loved one in this way and can't offer you my experience, but I can offer just a bit of comfort in a well meaning hug.

Nancy

[elvan]

First of all, I am SO SORRY, you are asking more than one question here.  My cousin's daughter was murdered when she was 18, they never found the murderer or determined the exact cause of her death since her skeletal remains were found four months after she disappeared.  There was no obvious cause of death...no bullets in the skeleton, no knife marks.  She could have died in many different ways.  It nearly killed my cousin and his wife.  I am sure they have never gotten over it even though it was over 25 years ago.  When we smoke or use some sort of drug we are addicted to, we numb our feelings like anesthesia...we "stuff" the grief down.  Eventually, it comes out, sometimes in unrecognizable ways, maybe with illness, maybe an overreaction to something completely unrelated.  Grief has no time table, everyone grieves in their own way and no one has a right to tell another person to get over it.  

I cannot imagine your grief, losing a child, of any age, has to be the most terrible thing in the world.  My nephew died in a car accident ten years ago, he was the light of every gathering, my sister adored him.  I know that she will never get over his death, I think of him and hear his laughter sometimes.  No matter how our loved ones are taken from us, they are taken and there is nothing we can do to get them back.  We can honor their lives by allowing ourselves to grieve, to cry to talk about it.  I think you coming here is a very healthy step in the right direction.  I believe that your son would want you to forgive yourself, I think you have punished yourself for something you did not do, you did not cause.  

I am sending a virtual hug and praying that you will feel that and the forgiveness you need to feel...what happened was clearly tragic but you need to stop feeling guilty about it.  My heart goes out to you.  

With love,

Ellen

[maryfreecig]

For me cigarettes kept life right in the moment--always something to go to, nicotine and all. I had life, life didn't have me. At least I had some control--so I thought. 

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering, and can give no advice as to how to come to terms with the cruelty your son and you were handed. I do believe that deep suffering is healed the most by on a spiritual level. Keep talking here if it is of any help.

Keep your quit and thank you for sharing your struggle. 

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Sounds like you need a good cry!

[Barbara145]

I agree with Thomas.  You need a good cry.  You need to really grieve.  We don't really grieve when we are smoking because we are stuffing.  At 70 years old I had a long list of losses. After I quit smoking ( I don't think I had cried for years.) I grieved for about a year pretty much all the time.  The 2nd year was better and things just kept getting better.  It has been almost 4 years and I am very happy and hopeful.  I am so delighted that you made the decision to quit smoking.  It is a very loving thing to do for yourself. My deepest sympathies to you for the loss of your son by murder.  May you find some peace and love in your heart on this journey.  I bet that is what your son would want.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.