I distinctly remember my first 30 days. I was pacing the floors, ripping out shelving paper, cleaning windows, ceiling fans. Anything and everything I could do to keep my mind off of that darn cigarette. Those things consumed my thinking back then. That's all I could think of.
Then came the next 30 days. It's easier but I can't concentrate. I'm foggy, distracted, tired. I had this insane craving for sugar. Big mistake, I gave into it but it took care of what was nagging at me. That's when I noticed the tingling of the hands and face. Thank god those dizzy spells and chest pains went away when I was sitting here puffing away like a chimney before I committed to quit.
I started to hibernate for a few months. Was petrified that I was going to lose it. I didn't want to take the chance that I would go back, go back to what I always knew. The thoughts of smoking were far and few but would slip in at just the opportune times. Creep in when I was angry or frustrated about something. I knew that that was my tried and true action that always got me back to smoking. Sometimes in the past I would even make something go wrong because there you go. Now I have a reason to go back.
Then the depression set in. I never had depression before, but I'd cry at a drop of a hat. I'd be so sensitive over little things anyone would say. Why can't anyone just give me a break, why can't anything go right. Well, read the above paragraph. That was another action in the past that had me going to buy a pack. Back before I quit, I believe cigarettes were the answer to all problems. I didn't need them for acceptance or to be cool anymore. I just needed them to tell me that everything is fine. They are relaxing me, ya know. So far from the truth.......... but that realization came months further into my quit. I'm slowing learning, experiencing life, creating memories along the way that has nothing to do with smoking. NADA.
I bounced back and forth from the depression to irritability to fogginess for around 7 months. I was determined this was not going to get the best of me. I was going to do this. I read somewhere that someone said if it takes 6 months to feel normal, to get over it, then why bother. Quitting is a lifetime affair. This is something that will always be a part of you. It doesn't simply go away. You just simply need to come to terms with it. For me, I can't have just one, one is never enough. Once I start feeding that need, it takes on its own life. I know that.... I accept that..... I'm fine with that. I still have smokemares, but so what? I still have thoughts of smoking sometimes. They creep up on me at times, but so what?
Trust that in time you will get there. In time you will go through the motions in life without even a thought of smoking for weeks, months on end. The main difference now is that you are living life, creating memories, association with events having nothing to do with smoking. Just give it the time it deserves. Trust in the process. Know that it isn't hard forever. It does end. It does finally come to calmer seas, to beautiful sunsets. It's not stormy forever, just for a short time. You spent a lot of years doing that motion for 20 to 40 times a day every day for many years. Give yourself time to unlearn the process and relearn a new one, a new way............... Blessings to you, friends. Crazy is over and out.
