Yes, it is a good thing. My being here is a very good thing. At the same time, though, I need to accept the fact that a part of me is going back to those pre-nicotine days when I was a 20 year old pup.
People have been very kind when it comes to my minor moodiness some days. It isn’t often, and certainly not a deep depression, but just a feeling of sadness. Most days, I have of too much energy. I am up and about a lot, unable to sit, and needing to “burn off energy.”
Yes, I know this very well could be my body adjusting to no nicotine. It may continue, off and on, for a while. Then it may dissipate and I will go on to a more normal existence. On the other hand, it may not.
Before I quit smoking, my moodiness was frequent. I would often hide from peer, and just prefer to be alone. At the same time, I could not sit for long. My attention span was very short, and as a result, my schooling suffered. I was the poster boy for “underachiever” from first grade to the first 2 years in college. Barely got by and did almost nothing in school for 14 years except day dream.
I then started self-medicating with nicotine. My Grades soared. I graduated from college. It covered my moodiness. Looking back, the difference was amazing. I do not know what would have happened if I had not used nicotine. I will never know.
I have now stopped the nasty smoking, and so some of the same issues are returning. I welcome them. They are my real feelings. I am slowly getting to know me without the haze of nicotine. It is fun, and interesting.
So when I am a bit down some days, know that it is just part of me. I love the support of you all, good and bad days, but know that these are just a few of the quirks that come with being me. It will also be interesting to watch how it changes from day 58 to day 229 to day 1,783.
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