Today is day 80. DAY 80!!!! I have been off the Chantix for about 2 weeks. I'm still sleeping like crap but I'm not sure what is causing that. Could it be the 2 dogs sleeping on my bed? My snoring Husband? My 4 year old that always seems to need something? The Chantix? Who knows. Last night I had a dream about smoking. I dream about smoking a lot. I said very clearly in my dream, "I'm not an ex smoker, I'm just a smoker that isn't smoking right now" And I do think this is true. It may be something I have never said out loud but I for sure said it loud and clear in my dream.
At times I do feel like that. Like I am not yet an ex smoker. Like I may never be an ex. I feel on the edge of smoking at times. Like I am RIGHT at the edge. But so far I have been able to overcome it and say NO and move past those feelings.
Maybe I am a smoker that is choosing to not smoke right now. But I feel like now it IS a choice. I no longer feel helpless. I feel like I am in charge, not the cigarettes. My Husband is still smoking and making no effort to quit even though he says he wants to. Last night was the first time he seemed genuine about it. He put out a cigarette and seemed really mad about it. He like butted it out in the ashtray forcefully and angrily. Then he said to me I wish I could just stop. He seemed very defeated. He said I should be proud of myself that I was able to do it. He said how long has it been 11 weeks? Now I don't have the best marriage and a lot of times I feel like I am just someone who lives with him and takes care of the house and our daughter and goes un noticed. But in that moment as he said that to me I realized that he did notice. He was paying attention . And he was proud of me.
No matter how old you are you just want someone to notice. Just want someone to be proud. It was a very important moment for me and for the first time in a long time I felt love from him.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I guess it was that besides from you guys I did feel alone in the journey. No one is alone in this. We are just at different stages. Be proud of your 1 day smoke free or 80 days or 15634131 days. Be proud if you are just stating to come up with a quit plan. It all is a step in the right direction and I don't plan on going back.
Much love,
Kelly
