I don't know how many of you still go to the group but I felt this was the place to start. I lasted 3 weeks before slipping. I tried going back to the quit plan but it wasn't until almost a month later. I'll share with you how I came to where I am today.
My quit date was November 7th. I had made it the first 3 days with ease thanks to my husband having those 3 days off. He was a great support. Thanksgiving came around and I was still smoke free. I had my "mean" moments, but by Thanksgiving I was starting to feel normal again. Our house was packed with people for Thanksgiving. We had made a rule of no alcohol was to enter the house because it was going to be a trigger for me since normally Thanksgiving I would drink and smoke a lot. Later after everyone was gone (besides my mother-in-law), we were sitting around the table. My husband had gone to take care of our daughter and my mother-in-law started talking about how I had been acting and how she had done things in the past that she wasn't proud of. I quickly came to the conclussion that my husband had confided in her and was telling her everything that went on behind the safety of our doors. Feeling overwhelmed and betrayed, I tried to move from the table. My husband was coming back into the room and he noticed that I was upset. He tells me that he never heard what his mother said, but she had told him not to let me go and he did just that. He grabbed me and didn't let go. My mother-in-law started praying. My husband had me trapped in his arms. I screamed and cried, begging to be let go. He says it was only ten minutes if that, but to me it felt like hours. My mother-in-law thought that I was under spiritally influence out to attack the rest of the family. I stayed away from both of them until my mother-in-law left and didn't talk to my husband for the rest of the night. The next day I broke down. I felt tramatized. I kept replaying the incident in my head over and over again. My husband felt guilty for what had happened and he made a deal with me that he would get me cigars, hoping that at the very least I would react the same way as if they were cigarettes.
I wasn't smoking as much. I would only go outside if the thought popped back in my head. It took weeks to feel comfortable in church because I felt that they would all gang up on me. We would sit on the other side of the church so that I didn't have to be around my mother-in-law. My husbband and I started comunicating more (something we never really had). The walls I had up for years were starting to come down. After a few weeks I was able to forgive and move on from the incedent on Thanksgiving, I was even able to be around my mother-in-law again. I was starting to believe I could work on quitting again.
I had planned carefully so that I would be out of cigars before going to bed and I wouldn't have to deal with it the following day. I woke up from a strange dream on December 16th (the day before my wedding anniversary). In the dream I had an arguement with my husband about him kissing another woman. Being upset I went outside to smoke and was faced with my old life before turning to God. I could go party and do whatever I wanted, or I could go back inside and fight for my man. When I woke up, I found myself wondering if this had really happened. I wondered if he had cheated on me and I had just blocked it out. Since my husband and I had become closer, before dwelling on it, I just came out and told him about the dream, ending it with the question, "Did you cheat on me?" He didn't have a response at first so I figured he didn't hear me so I just asked again. This time he was vague. Said that he didn't remember if he had or not. I was suspicious but I let it slide because we had gotten close; I figured he would tell me right up front.
I continued on with the day smoke free, feeling good about my life and my decission. My husband got home that night, we ate dinner and then my daughter went to get ready for bed while we stayed at the table. I could tell that something was bothering him and now that we were alone I convinced him to tell me what was wrong (of course at this point I didn't even remember that morning or the dream). With tears running down his face, he tells me that he had cheated on me. My first response was to wrap my arms around him because he was so upset. It wasn't for about a half hour before it sunk in. We went to the store and got me cigars.
There's been very little fighting about it. It was an affair that took place 3 years ago. I feel a part of me knew about it then but just didn't want to admit that he could do something like that to me. We've been going to a Christian marriage counslor and I've chosen to forgive him. Things just started becoming better between us again over the last week since I chose to forgive him. I still feel the pain every once in a while but the images have almost stopped completely. I want to put a plan together but I don'teven know where to begin. I don't even know when would be a good time for the quit date. I want to get back to December 16th before the last whirl spin of life. I feel like I can but a part is terrified that something else will happen. I know that it's nonsense but it's a thought that has popped into my head.
Thank you for your time. I'm in much need of Christian support