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Temptation

noetoez
Member
2 18 189

My little stat counter says 5 months, 10 days today. My previous record was 5 months. This is the longest I have gone without a cigarette in 10 years.

I found myself tempted this weekend. Saturday, I was lonely and I was bored. I felt agitated on the inside. I needed to do something, but there is nothing to do. I tried cleaning my house, couldn't focus on it. Tried to read, paced up and down my halls, took a hot shower and cried. Apparently I needed to cry. About nothing. About everything.

I needed tape for gift wrapping, headed over to the drugstore around the corner. At the check out counter, my eyes landed on them. The cigarettes. I've got a good amount of time under my belt, one last pack wouldn't hurt me. They won't sell menthols here after the 1st anyway, it's not like you can really go back to smoking if they're gone. One last hurrah. Stared a little too longingly for a little too long while I paid for my tape. Removed myself from the store and went home.

I have not had such strong intrusive thoughts for a while. I did not give in, but I wrestled with myself for a good while that afternoon. Those are the thoughts that have lost me quits before. The last time I had 5 months, I thought one last time wouldn't hurt... But it DID. That "one last time" was 3 years ago.

Never never going back. I can't, I won't, NOPE NOPE NOPE. 

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