Day 27 of my quit. The ups and downs come and go, mostly downs with a lot of crying. Every now and then a span of time that makes me feel like I can make it, but it fades and I’m left with the feeling of loss again. Not just the loss of my addiction, but the loss of ‘me.’ I go through my day living someone else’s life. Everything has changed. Where did I go? So many pieces of my life seem to have been misplaced, or down right gone. I’m an artist and all I can do is stare at my canvas, my mind blank as to what to put on it or how, as if I’ve never done it before. I have people waiting for their artwork, and all I can do is stare at that blank canvas. I look around my studio and wonder how I will ever get back to who I was. I’m different since my quit. I have little interest in being with others, or in doing the things I used to do… now that I can’t have my cigs. It all seems like too much trouble, too much trouble to pretend to be me. I tell myself this will pass, mostly because others tell me it will. But it’s hard to keep that in mind when I wake up each morning the same as the day before. Still staring at that same blank canvas.