In This Moment

Blog Post created by tweasel on Mar 11, 2019

March 11, 2019

In this moment, I can choose to not smoke. 

I have been reading different things in this site and the book referencing fear of not getting the next one.

That's been me.  I started smoking at thirteen amidst severe trauma.  A cigarette was offered,

I was told to breath deep and the chaos around me wasn't, for just that short moment.  I was hooked. 

I wrote pages in my journal last night, processing;  I have had awesome counselors and providers over the years with scads of good info as background; to become a nonsmoker has never seemed a possibility to me.   I know it's a choice, and the addictive part is doable. My thirteen year old self is still afraid, and willful. Anyway, I bought lots of fruit and hard candies and am watching myself.

There are lots of moments in my life I am still wanting to step out of.  I lost my beloved friend to alcoholism and mental illness, both severe, in January of last year.   I judged him harshly for not quitting his substance abuse whilst I was smoking forty times a day.  At least he had humility.  Have been learning to be on my own pretty much since.  Growing up as I grow old.   I am tired of being afraid.  Sitting quietly in a stressful moment is huge for me.. 

I have a quit date coming up.  I plan for it to be a celebration of sorts, a day to recognize that I can find the safety within myself to make good choices in any given moment.  Reaching out is really tough around smoking because I might make the fifteen minutes, to hear from you if I ask, but the enormity of letting them go, of wanting to, of that fifteen minute success....well, I will want to reward myself.  This is a big. 

Thanks everyone. Any and all suggestions will be welcomed .