March 11, 2019
In this moment, I can choose to not smoke.
I have been reading different things in this site and the book referencing fear of not getting the next one.
That's been me. I started smoking at thirteen amidst severe trauma. A cigarette was offered,
I was told to breath deep and the chaos around me wasn't, for just that short moment. I was hooked.
I wrote pages in my journal last night, processing; I have had awesome counselors and providers over the years with scads of good info as background; to become a nonsmoker has never seemed a possibility to me. I know it's a choice, and the addictive part is doable. My thirteen year old self is still afraid, and willful. Anyway, I bought lots of fruit and hard candies and am watching myself.
There are lots of moments in my life I am still wanting to step out of. I lost my beloved friend to alcoholism and mental illness, both severe, in January of last year. I judged him harshly for not quitting his substance abuse whilst I was smoking forty times a day. At least he had humility. Have been learning to be on my own pretty much since. Growing up as I grow old. I am tired of being afraid. Sitting quietly in a stressful moment is huge for me..
I have a quit date coming up. I plan for it to be a celebration of sorts, a day to recognize that I can find the safety within myself to make good choices in any given moment. Reaching out is really tough around smoking because I might make the fifteen minutes, to hear from you if I ask, but the enormity of letting them go, of wanting to, of that fifteen minute success....well, I will want to reward myself. This is a big.
Thanks everyone. Any and all suggestions will be welcomed .
Tweasel
