tw5152017

First smokemare

Blog Post created by tw5152017 on Oct 10, 2017

I was feeling bad about not being on the site as much lately, and decided to get on yesterday and post something.  I saw the Slip or Relapse?  post by rollercoaster831  and thought that would be a good one to weigh in on.  Except nothing ever came to me.  I started to reply several times throughout the day, but finally gave up realizing I just didn’t have any strong feelings about it one way or another.  I could see both sides of the issue.  I tried one more time before bed.  I started to wonder how many puffs it would take to feel like you were addicted again.  Just one?  Several?  Maybe an entire cigarette or two?

 

I fell asleep thinking about this.  Soon after, my smokemare began.  I was pondering this question of when the addiction kicks back in.  I thought, if we knew the answer to that, then we would know whether it is appropriate to re-set our Quit Date or not.  And then I decided I just had to find out for sure.  So I walked out to my car to get my cigarettes and start smoking.  Because this was a dream, it didn’t even occur to me that I had not been in possession of any cigarettes in 5 months.  And sure enough, there was a pack in my car.  So I lit up and had one.  After each puff, I waited to see if I could somehow sense that I was now addicted again.  I didn’t feel like it, so I had another puff.  I finally finished, didn’t feel anything, and wondered if I should light up another.  Then I realized, I won’t know if I’m hooked again unless I start craving a cigarette.  And I don’t usually crave a cigarette until an hour or two after my last one.  And this whole experiment is flawed!  What if I am addicted again?!  What have I done?!  I started screaming and running into the house… and woke up.  It was so real, it took me several minutes to decide if I had really done that, and had just come in to bed and fallen asleep.  I literally held my hand up to my mouth and breathed out to see if I could smell cigarette smoke.

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