Being Tested

[tlajbenn]

   The last 2 weeks have been testing meas there have been a series of misfortune and tragedy. Not to mention the additional stress of holiday planning - so much to do, so little time - and the fact that I haven't slept well since the time change. 

   One of my students just lost his older brother in a brutal murder. This student has endured such hardship growing up but has been able to made positive changes for himself. His only other family is his aunt whom he lives with. My heart breaks for him. Then I found out a few days later that a former student was a victim of a hit and run accident. He was a positive force upon this world with a smile that would light up a room. They will take him off life support once all his family has a chance to say good-bye. I will miss him dearly. It is so tragic to see a young promising life lost. Shortly after hearing of these tragedies, my assistance confided in me that she will be out of at least the next 2 months for surgery possibly related to cancer. Here is a scared mother of 2 young children dealing with this potentially deadly diagnosis.

   So guess who showed up to test me? That's right - that little bastard The Nico-demon - planting thoughts in my head. "You want a cigarette." "You are going through a lot right now, just have a puff." You need to relax, go have a smoke." Almost daily during this he has been haunting me. Each time I say "No, I don't do that anymore." "It's not going to happen." "Leave me alone, I don't want one." "I will not go back to Day 1 again." No, no, no! 

   OK, so yes I do want a cigarette. But then I asked myself "Why?" "Why do you want it, because you certainly don't need it." I want one so I can get rid of this pain and heart ache. I am tired and need a break. I am stressed out. Then it was like a light bulb went off. Guess what...smoking will not do anything to help. It will not get rid of the heartache. It will not bring anyone back. It will not energize me. I will not help me sleep. It will not get rid of my stress. What will it do? It will harm me. It will make me feel like a failure. It will make me sick and weak. It will cause me more stress. 

   Good-bye Nico-demon. I am evicting you from my brain. You are no longer welcome here. I will not listen to you anymore. And if you show up again, I will cast you out again and again and again for as many times as I need to. I am strong and  I can cope with life without a stupid cigarette. 

So here I am. I'm still sad, tired, and stressed, but I am also still smoke-free. And yes, it will get better. It always does.