I woke up with my jaw clenched tight, huge knot in my stomach, and entire body tense. Tried to relax and go back to sleep but I was unable. I had lots of internal talking. Does anyone else do that? Carry on full conversations with themselves inside their heads? Well, I do. Always have. It usually helps me work decisions or stressors out. Sometimes it back fires, but it got me through my morning today. It sounded like this:
Just relax and breath.
Yes you can.
Okay. Breath. Relax. Roll over. Not working!
Get up and do something.
I want to go back to sleep. I felt so good the other day when I slept in.
Well that is not happening today, so do something else.
I got up and did some busy work around the house. Read a few blogs. Took a shower. There I was standing in front of the mirror after getting ready, just looking at myself and asking:
What is wrong with you?
I just want to feel good. I want to wake up just one morning and not feel like this. I have felt like this for a month before my quit in anticipation of quitting and I have been waking up like this every morning since. I'm tired of feeling like this. I want it to go away! I'm frustrated that I have to deal with this every morning. I'm tired of struggling every day. I am supposed to be the strong one. I don't feel strong right now.
Hasn't it gotten easier each day? Yes.
Are you just having a bad day today? Yes.
Doesn't it only last about an hour? Doesn't the rest of the day get better after the first hour?
Yes and yes.
Do you want to give up and smoke?
I want a cigarette right now but I can't because I don't smoke anymore!
Would you agree to go through this for an hour every day for the rest of your life if you were guaranteed to never smoke again? Yes.
Good! You know that isn't going to happen? You know that it will get better? Yes.
Now, do you want to cry? Yes.
So I cried. I laid on my bed and cried and cried. I let out all my frustrations and self pity in that cry.
Feeling better? Yes.
Have you noticed that you have been up for an hour now? Yes and the day will get better.
Are you ready to be strong again? Yes!
Then let's do this!
I am doing this!!!!!
So here I am. Not having the best day, but getting through it. Looking forward to my Sunday crossword puzzle. Planning activities to keep me busy. Trying to focus on the positives. Most important - I am not smoking! Will I have cravings? Yes. Will I have bad days? Yes. Will I get through them? Oh yes! Yes I will! Yes I am!