Here are a few things I want to let people know about me, just so you all can have a better understanding of who I am as an individual:
- I am a very empathetic person
- Other peoples moods effect me greatly (if one person in my house is having a bad day, I feel their anger, tension, sadness...whatever it is)
- I am a fixer/helper (what can I do to make this person's mood/situation better?) If I can't fix it or help, I just try to be as supportive & understanding as possible
- Once I am in a bad mood (whatever the reason, whatever time of day) that's it for the day. Done. Bad day coming at ya. I do not know how to shake it off, or get past it. (Unfortunately my youngest child has this same personality trait, poor kid)
- I am a kind soul, but very private. Sharing is not a strong point for me
- I am super funny (humor dosen't always come through the written way very well, but trust me...I'm hilarious!)
- I do not feel that I deserve kind words or support after I make a mistake. Nor do I feel like I deserve recognition or praise for accomplishments (big or small). But advise is welcome (what can I say, I am a complicated person)
- I do not like attention on me for any reason, good or bad
- I work very hard every day to make sure I do everything in my power for my family. (It's very draining.)
- I know that my addiction to cigarettes is probably 99% mental & habitual. I cannot recall a single physical craving that I had that occurred before a mental urge.
Tomorrow is my third quit date of this year. I feel lousy for so many reasons. Why do I keep slipping? What is wrong with me? Oh, there is plenty wrong with me, let's not open that can (see above for a peek LOL). I recently (within the last 2 months) came off of my anxiety medication because my doctor & I didn't think I needed it anymore (it was a very low dose & life was absolutely overwhelming when I started taking it a few years ago). Since stopping the meds, I am way more emotional. I feel my feelings more. (Does that make sense or does it come across as dumb & girly as it sounds?) My last attempt I went cold turkey & made it through 75% of day 3. Turns out day 3 was really hard craving wise. I remember standing at the stove cooking dinner & thinking "If I had the money, I would go to the store when dinner is done & buy a pack of cigarettes". Well I didn't need to put it off that long because before I was done with dinner, my husband went to the store & bought cigarettes for us both. Two things that need to be mentioned here...one, I hadn't told my husband that I went cold turkey 2 days before (why? I will get to that in a bit, but the fact that he hadn't noticed should speak volumes) ...& two he never buys me cigarettes when he buys his. And I mean never. So when he handed me that pack I tore into it like a damn (for a lack of a better word here) junkie. That's exactly how I felt. (I mean no offense by the word junkie, but somehow it feels wrong to use it.) My internal dialogue has always been very negative. So all the thoughts hit me at once...you suck, you're a loser, why even bother to try you're just going to fail again". There are many more but they don't really belong on this site so I left them out. But I deal with them all on a daily basis.
Now I will get into the whole husband thing. He is my biggest trigger. And I don't mean "fighting with him is my biggest trigger" no no. I mean exactly what I said. He is my biggest, strongest, most likely to push me over the edge trigger. He gets under my skin like no one else can on a regular basis & It's even worse when I am on a quit. I didn't tell him I was quitting because he's one of those people. You all know the ones..."You said you were quitting" (in an antagonistic tone) & refuse to hand me a lighter, or snatch my cigarettes out of my hand. While this may sound supportive it's actually counter productive to me. It pisses me off & really makes me not want to be around him or anyone who acts like an ass in a moment that I just need to be left the eff alone. Don't remind me that I am a failure...I do that just fine on my own. So to avoid the nastiness that he adds to a quit, I just don't tell him. It's easier that way. I mean, he didn't even notice that I hadn't smoked for 2+ days so why bring it to his attention. It just adds unnecessary grief to my day. He is a self proclaimed asshole that is never going to change, so while I know many people will say "Just talk to him about being supportive", it isn't worth the effort because he will not listen. I have tried to get him to see things from my perspective & he just doesn't. Change what you can & accept what you can't, right? TADA!!
On the positive side, I have a best friend (we'll call her Joan because that's what I call her LOL--see, funny) who is the ideal supporter & my daughter (22 years old) is also in my corner fighting for me. My best friend is an ex smoker & has been smoke free for almost 2 decades so she understands my struggle because she went through it. My daughter has been wanting me to quit for as long as I remember so I feel shitty for disappointing her for so long. But once I remind myself of the disappointment I cause, here come the negatives again.
Ugh! The struggle is real!
Next thing I want to get out there is I have been trying to get back into shape & drop some pounds. Joan & I have been walking 3-5 times a week in the evenings (weather permitting) for a couple of months. When we started we were doing 2 miles a day (she has no cartilage in one knee & hello...I'm a smoker so I don't breath so well when exerted), but now we are up to almost 3 1/2 so that's exciting. We are thinking about doing some other things at home as well (squats, planks..the like) to increase our overall health & fitness. Our walking goal is to be at 4 miles a hike by the end of autumn. But we live in Michigan so that could be anytime with the crazy weather we have had so far this year.
Thursday is my birthday & I have this week off of work (except for a meeting tomorrow morning) so I am hoping that when I go back to work next week, I won't be smoking during my breaks, or sneaking out for a cigarette when a customer pisses me off. I need to find a better way to cope with anger & also figure out how to diffuse it in a healthy way.
That is all for now. It is almost time to start dinner so I guess I have taken enough time to talk about myself (feels selfish).
