tayokay

Dealing with anger

Blog Post created by tayokay on Mar 3, 2019

30 Days of Freedom, and I'm noticing so many shifts in my body.  My digestive issues are still sort of an issue (that might be due to the amount of sweets I've been consuming as my appetite has picked up...oh well!), but I noticed a *big* victory when I dealt with a cold this week.  The cough was nothing compared to when I was smoking!  I got over it within 3 days!  In the past, this always turned into bronchitis or a sinus infection since I wouldn't have put the e-vape down.  A huge part of my journey was using a JUUL pen (no judgement for those using them!) between cigarettes, as I tend to abuse anything that is bad for my lungs and voice.  I'm sure a JUUL is great when used properly as a cease-smoking tool, but I was breathing the vapor like air and going through a pod a day.  I'm starting to learn that I have a long history with self-sabotage surrounding using my voice for work, and smoking secretly.  Or, not so secretly, as I'm sure I smelled like an ashtray.  However, the JUUL pen helped me keep up the facade for years.    

 

I've been extremely angry lately,  and in the past, it was an excuse for me to go out and have a cigarette.  I'm noticing that I seem to amp up whatever I'm bothered by so that I can obsess about it.  Ugh.  Anger feels like the replacement drug for nicotine.  Instead of dealing with that feeling in the past, I'd just smoke and *poof* - nicotine would magically numb that feeling out...just until later though....  

 

So, I'm chalking this up to withdrawal as I enter No Mans Land Days 30 to 130 (approximate).  I've been asking myself "How important is this really?" and if I continue to obsess about something, WRITE IT DOWN.  Seems to lessen the power it has over my thinking.  

 

Yesterday, my fiancé and I went out to dinner with my soon-to-be-brother-in-law.  We told him when we are getting married (yay!!  We finally came up with a compromise we're both thrilled about!  He wants a large wedding, and I want to keep it small), and my STBBIL made a huge stink about how that date *might* not work the best for him, and continued to ***** about it loudly instead of congratulating us.  Of course, this was not what I was expecting.  I wanted to turn tables over, clear the table with a sweep of my arm, and throttle the little *******.  The pure selfishness of his reaction was too much to handle, and I found myself fantasizing over going outside for a cigarette.  NOPE!!!!!  I know the craving to NUMB OUT has more to do with me not being able to control his behavior or reaction.  So, I did not give in to my inner toddler and addict, and instead asked if we could change the subject.  I went to the bathroom and did some deep breathing and *silent* yelling at the mirror.  Maybe a little childish, but at least it didn't hurt anybody and got me through the craving.  I remembered I'm very excited that we chose a date to get married, and this morning, I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT I GOT THROUGH THE CRAVING AND THE ANGER.  Lungs still feel good, and it was another baby step in learning how to live life without nicotine.    

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