11/17/2018

[stAn3]

I feel okay. I dread going to work tomorrow, yet I look forward to it as well. I enjoy working with the patients. I am angry, no, not trusting, of my supervisors or the company. I had a revolution a few days ago that there is nothing I can do to stop the chaos that is going on at my job right now. I blame my direct supervisor and the executive director and the corporate leadership for not fixing things. I am angry because so many of my co-workers are gone. I blame them for not making the job more attractive. I don't want to get to know the new people, and I don't want to work with the new people. There is one person at work who I absolutely can't stand. I am mad at my supervisor because he wants me to work with this person. I want this person gone and can't understand why this person is still working for the company. I expect the company to exploit my stepmother. If they do, I'm gone. The tension from waiting to see how this plays out is killing me. I get angry over every mistake this person makes. I get angry because the leadership doesn't seem to be as angry as me about this person's poor performance. I have lost hope that things will get better. Yet I still have to go to work there anyway. I have a decision to make about whether I want to stay or go. My options are not good, like jumping out of the frying pan into the skillet, but I am tired to the stress that comes from all the chaos, and I feel put upon by management because, not only do I not have the support I need to do my job, I'm expected to do other people's jobs as well. I keep doing the other people's jobs because I want the clients not to suffer but I feel like a punk, like a martyr. On top of that, I didn't get my promised bonus or pay raise. I'm trying to give the company as little as possible now (doing my job and nothing more) instead of looking out for the best interests of the company. I feel betrayed. There is a loss of trust. I knew when I came to work for this company that is was messed up, but I trusted my direct supervisor, so I took the job. Now I don't have that trust. I don't trust his judgment. Because I don't trust his judgment, I don't feel like I have any reason to stay there. I have a history of changing jobs right about this time (when I get used to the job). I've spoken to my sponsor about it and he said to do a pros/cons list before taking action. I struggle to find the motivation to stay even though I know it's the best thing for me financially, and I know the other treatment centers aren't much better. I need to talk to my supervisor but don't know how to go about it. Writing about it makes me feel a little bit better. The pressure of all these feelings has been making me want to escape. I've even thought about smoking. Instead I've been escaping in other ways. I generally just don't feel good about myself or my life. I think my depression is affecting me. I don't feel the overwhelming sadness but my thinking is negative and I don't feel motivated. I'm also more irritable and snappy.

So just to recap: I'm disappointed because I didn't get my bonus and feeling really paranoid about it, like they aren't going to give it to me. I'm also angry about it because I made plans based on anticipating that bonus. I'm struggling to make it until next payday when I thought I would be spending that bonus money. I am paranoid, thinking the accountant is holding back my bonus because she is friends with my ex-girlfriend and doesn't like me.

I want my stepmom to get a job, but I'm afraid they won't give it to her. I'm afraid it won't happen because they hired her before, then told her she didn't get the job. I also see them hiring her at a lower position than what she is qualified for. If they do that, I will be forced to quit. Family comes before any job. I can't stay at a place that hurts my stepmother.

I want her to get the job because I think she can fix all the chaos and drama, but I've recently realized that the problem is much deeper than anything she can fix. It is a company-wide problem. Even if she gets the job that I want her to have, my job will still be difficult. I am being self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest, and manipulative. Also I lack trust. I'm having a hard time letting go of the outcome that I want. It's all about me and my comfort and not what's best for all involved. Because I see that it is impossible for me to get what I want, I am throwing a fit. I want to retaliate against the company by quitting. I also anticipate endless months of the same bull that I have been going through for the past several months. I need to talk to my sponsor more about this. It's obvious quitting my job is not the right thing to do at this time (maybe later if things get worse) but I need to talk to somebody about how I feel regarding the work conditions because it will negatively affect my work with the patients if I keep these feelings bottled up inside of me.

If you've read all of this: Thanks!  I am grateful to be smoke-free. I've relapsed more than once because of wanting to escape the stress of this job. I can't do it anymore. No matter what, smoking is not going to fix anything. It would only make things worse. I'm glad to be a part of the becomeanex community. I look forward to the time when I won't be as triggered by stress. It only comes with not smoking, one day at a time.