Not smoking is no longer new. I’m used to it. Now my mind is focused on other things. Life shows up whether I’m smoking or not. I thought, “I’ll be good as long I quit smoking.” I have made great improvements in my life because I quit smoking, but I not any happier. My mind gnaws at me about other things I am doing wrong. The thought occurred to me today, “There is no destination, only the journey.” Which made me think, “Happiness (or nirvana) is where you stand.” Meaning happiness is available to me at any time, but it does not last. Today I catch myself pushing myself too hard. I label my inability to relax or be satisfied perfectionism. I accept not being perfect and don’t try as hard. It is uncomfortable for me. I want to strive all the time for something. Everything has to get better. I need constant improvement.
The reason I posting this is because last night and this morning I felt like a failure. I felt disappointed in myself, like I hit a wall, because I promised myself I would do something positive for myself and I didn’t do it. I did some positive stuff but not everything. I chose to do something unhealthy instead.
I believe it’s appropriate to feel guilty about doing something unhealthy, but being so disappointed in myself, being miserable because I fell short of my goals is unhealthy. I’ll get no enjoyment out of my recovery if I don’t give myself a break when I fall short.
I gave myself a break later on today. I’m not pushing myself so hard. That’s improvement. Last night when I felt so bad, I thought about giving up and returning to smoking. Today I don’t recall thinking of smoking at all.
I have depression. It starts to slowly set in beginning in September so that may be why I don’t feel good even though I’m doing way better than I have in the past. I’m going to have to keep working to return to happiness. I know it is possible because I find happiness several times throughout the day. I just have to step out of my own way, relax, stop trying so hard.