The urge to smoke is on me. I want to escape. The thing I hate most about work is documentation. I’ve done better about doing the documentation immediately, but I’ve let things build up. I have been working almost all my waking hours the past two days, don’t know how to get everything done. It’s stressful. Physically I am not tired but I feel constrained by all these demands and I’m not able to do everything I want to do. I feel like my job consumes my whole life. It’s my calling. I love it but I don’t want to just work all the time.
I think I’m going through a life transition. I worked so hard in my twenties to get an education and escape poverty. Now I have a career and economic security but I am tired of putting work ahead of everything else. I want meaningful relationships with my blood relatives and to find a partner to start my own family, feel like time is slipping by. I feel guilty only doing work stuff all the time. The problems I have today are completely manageable but I think I need a break to just get out of my office and not be worried about work stuff.
You need to eat your Wheaties to do my job. That vacation was just what I needed to get rejuvenated. I want to maintain my energy level, not get burnt out.
One more thing: I’ve talked to my ex more in the last two days than I have since we ended communication. I miss her. Seeing her and talking to her makes me want to go back to the relationship. I will not. It’s not healthy. I love her though and her children. Since we work together it’s hard to grieve and move on. As soon as I see her and interact with her all the old feelings come back.