I got one day smoke free. It was trying at times but not too bad. A couple of things I struggled with today: 1) I use the patch because I have had crazy withdrawal symptoms in the past. I'm not trying to make quitting be any harder on me than it has to be. 2) I cannot commit to never smoking again. My disease tells me I will relapse because I am not 100% committed, so I shouldn't even keep trying not to smoke. I know this is my disease from reading posts on here.
I'm telling on my disease because I'm not trying to hold these thoughts in my mind, struggle with them myself.
On patches: I had the most success when I quit cold turkey and felt all the weird withdrawal symptoms. They lasted the first 3 or 4 weeks. It took me 3 days before I could even function, but I didn't smoke for 2 or 3 years after that. I'm not trying to go to through that again. I'm ready to quit smoking now, by any means necessary.
On Never smoking again: I can't contemplate quitting forever. I do it one day at a time. I am open to the idea of a "forever quit". In fact, when my disease became active today, I told myself, "I'm not doing this. I'm not relapsing again". Somehow that gave me confidence. But realistically, I've been clean over 14 years and don't know if I'll stay clean for the rest of my life. I've seen people relapse with much longer than 14 years. My goal is to never use again, but it took me 10 years to get to that level of commitment. When things got rough during the early years of my recovery, I made a commitment to stay clean just one more day. After a while, the desire to use got weaker and weaker and the gifts of recovery got greater and greater. Where I'm at in my recovery from nicotine is one craving at a time. One day is too long to contemplate. My goal is to stay smoke-free long enough to break the habit, then continue participating in this site indefinitely. My mind is clear now, but I don't know how it will be a few months from now when I'm no longer craving everyday. It's something I am going to have to prove to myself. Reflecting right now, I realize there is never going to be a time when it is safe for me to step back from my nicotine recovery; there is never going to be a time when I've arrived. I have to keep working it for the rest of my life. This reality is something I've struggled with for a long time. It is a reality I am willing to accept, just for today. In fact, I kind of look forward to it. I like participating in this site.
For those who have been here for a while, and have seen me disappear repeatedly, please reach out to me if you don't see me post for a while. When I stop posting here that is the first step to a relapse for me. I need y'all. I need help.