stAn3

7/28/2018

Blog Post created by stAn3 on Jul 28, 2018

I told my face-to-face support my new quit date. I'm preparing mentally for triggers, but also not really trying to think about quitting. It is not something that I dread. It is also not something I am excited about. I am just trying to live in the day. I am exciting about going to the gym tomorrow after work. I like working out. I love the way it makes me feel. I also feel proud of myself today for several reasons. I ate good food. I have noticed that sugary food makes me feel bad and don't satisfy my hunger. Fast food doesn't either. I am giving myself good fuel today. I am good at my job. I am comfortable at it. I have recently been noticing every day how good I am at my job and how grateful I am to see people recover. It's a wonderful experience. Especially the ones who I didn't think would make it. It's a good experience caring about somebody and sharing their journey toward improving their lives. I'm taking daily action to address my nicotine addiction. My commitment is getting stronger. It's not something I am trying to shove away into the back of my mind. I saw my ex yesterday and interacted with her a bunch of times. I caught her looking at me with pain in her eyes. I know what that look means. She regrets pushing me away. I was sad because her daughter was there. I like her daughters and miss being part of their lives. At the same time, I interacted appropriately with my ex. I didn't know how I was going to work with her after making the commitment of no contact, but I see that I am doing it. I think it will be fine. It is uncomfortable still but eventually, it won't be. Sometimes I want to comfort her through the breakup. Other times I want to tell her off, tell her how I feel about the things she did to hurt me. Other times I want to explain myself, explain why I refuse to talk to her anymore. I think about this stuff a lot--every time I'm reminded of her--but I know it won't do anything but cause both of us more pain and cause her kids more pain. I am proud of myself for not returning to an abusive relationship, not settling for someone who I am not compatible with. I have more self-respect and self-esteem than that. I look forward to a future with a better partner. I like myself already and know I will only get better with age, so the women I choose will also be better.

 

I look forward to money saved because I am not smoking. I look forward to weight loss because my diet has improved. I look forward to better job performance because my desire to stay away from smoking is making me learn how to do my job more efficiently. I can't afford to be stressed about things. I can't afford to let work pile up. I can't afford to put myself to the limit. I must feel my feelings. I must accept my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I must accept the things other people are doing that I don't like. I must seek peace and accept it once I find it. Happiness and joy have been a big part of my life later. It is unfamiliar to me. I am used to misery. But I like it. I want more of it. I'm proud of myself for doing the things necessary to maintain my serenity. I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day.

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