I had some smoking thoughts today. Probably because I was around people smoking. I thought I could connect better with my clients if I smoked. Then I thought, “No, it’s not work dying.” I prayed. Then later on I remembered when I first combatted this trigger. I remembered that when I smoked near others I was focused on smoking, not the person I was with. I connect more when I am not smoking because I am not worried about when I’ll get my next dose of nicotine.
I didn’t really think about it much after that.
I’m at home now. I am tired. I am nervous. I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing at work. It is very unfamiliar. I also anticipate starting graduate school in a couple of months in addition to learning my new job.
My addiction tells me to give up because I can’t stand the stress. It tells me I will relapse eventually anyway so why not relapse now. I’m aware of these thoughts but have made a commitment not to smoke today. I know how to deal with stress. I have been practicing. It is still uncomfortable though. As much as I want to run, I need to accept the discomfort and focus on doing what I need to go today.