I am worried about this weekend. I haven't done well with unstructured time in the past. At the same time, I feel okay now. I had one craving episode today. My coworkers talk about smoking. I get cravings after I eat. Honestly, hearing people talk about smoking isn't the real trigger, because when they hear them talk about it, I think "I don't do that anymore". The underlying feeling I had was anxiety and just being uncomfortable at my job, not wanting to be there.
I just got a new job. I am nervous about it, dreading it actually. Everybody else is excited and happy for me. I don't feel those feelings. I am worried about how it will be when I start working there. Will I be able to do the job? What are they going to ask me to do? Will l I like my co-workers? Will the clients like me? The positive stuff doesn't seem to register with me--more money, accomplishing a goal I have been working on since 2005, less time spent in my car, doing what I believe is my calling. The details haven't been ironed out, so I'm nervous.
The discomfort I feel at my present job has always been there, and it is the reason I got this new job. Maybe I worry that the new job will be just as bad as the one I'm leaving.
Regardless of how I feel, I have not smoked. I want to keep moving forward and keep reaping the benefits. I noticed this morning that my health-related anxieties are reduced. I'm not worrying about lung cancer all day, or heart attack, or stroke, or COPD. My breathing seems to be back to its full capacity. I enjoy that. My thinking is clearer. There is a steady underlying calmness that I feel not smoking or using caffeine.
After procrastinating for over a year, I finally made the commitment to start cooking again on a regular basis. I stopped cooking when I moved back home and my diet, waistline, and wallet have suffered. I want to see how much better I will feel eating good food instead of mindlessly consuming junk food. Junk in, junk out. I don't want to keep putting junk in my body.
Tomorrow I see my therapist, and Sunday I start my light therapy for depression.
