I set my quit date for tomorrow. I got rid of all the cigarettes. I am scared. I have the knowledge of how to quit. I know that I don't want to smoke. Nevertheless, I relapsed. I am afraid I will relapse again, no matter what I do.
I relapsed recently because of suicidal thoughts lasting several days. I was hopeless. I did not want to live. The health consequences of smoking did not matter. In my depressed mind, I want to smoke to bring on an early death. The same thing happened this time of year last time. I got off nicotine. I got over the initial cravings. Then I gave in and started smoking when confronted with ongoing suicidal thoughts. I have seasonal depression. My depression symptoms follow a yearly pattern. I have not been vigilant with my mental health recovery because my depression is not debilitating during the summer. My depression clicks in all of a sudden when the days start to get shorter.
Now I am not suicidal. I talked to my psychiatrist about it. I made an appointment with my therapist. Smoking still remains. One equal all. Once I start smoking, the reasons I started smoking don't matter. The disease kicks in, causing discomfort if I don't feed my cravings for nicotine. Armed with the knowledge, I have no excuses to continue smoking. It is a choice: deal with life (my feelings, thoughts, cravings) or smoke. I have tried to stop this week, but trying is short of making a commitment.
Today, I am closer to making a commitment. I am blogging again. I got rid of the cigarettes. I'm getting rid of the excuses to keep smoking.
I don't know if my blog is making sense. I don't trust my thinking when active in the disease, but I hope that writing this blog will help me stop smoking.