I need to apologize to the group. I chose to smoke and haven't reset my quit date. I don't have 50 days. I have no excuses for smoking. I'm feeling lost right now. I know the mistakes that I made but I can't guarantee I won't make the same mistake again in future. I have thought of giving up but I won't. It is literally life and death--a slow death at my own hands.
I am making chamges. I am changing my attitudes. My thoughts and attitudes play a big part in whether I choose to use the recovery tools I know or use addictive behaviors to escape. At this point it is more than just dealing with the everyday triggers. It's about making a decision to live. It's about being willing to feel my emotions no matter how uncomfortable they may be. It's about learning to take care of myself everyday.
I'm not going to get into the specific details of why I relapsed. There is a consistent pattern over the years. I get overwhelmed or depressed. I get focused on things other than nicotine recovery. I isolate myself and I use familiar addictive behaviors to kill the pain I have inside.
What I am doing now is getting back into therapy because I need some help applying the tools to deal with my thoughts and emotions. Im focusing each day on taking care of myself. I'm also trying to decide on a quit date.