I relapsed. Felt a little crazy. At work I threw out my vape because I smoked it on my on break... Then went and bought another one right when I got off work.
I know the harmful effects of vaping make it sooo not worth it, which is why I keep coming back here. I think the support can make such a difference.
I want to talk about something here, and that is how the mind gets in the way of my quit. I tend to be an all or nothing minded perfectionist, so when I decided to quit I also decided to lose weight, eat better and exercise. All good things! However, this attitude that I need to change everything about myself, all at once, or forget it... Not working out so well for me.
Along with wanting to avoid any trips to the hospital comes another BIG reason I want to quit. I LOVE BREATHING. I have a daily meditation practice that ranges between 5-20 minutes, and it's become a crucial part of my day. How am I supposed to take those big, delicious deep breaths with collapsed lungs? And when I focus on my breath I want it to be a delight, not a struggle to inhale. If I continue to vape I will grenade my beautiful practice. NO THANKS.
As for those other lifestyle changes, obviously they are totally awesome in and of themselves. But I'm starting to see that doing everything at 110% 24/7 is exhausting, and then I swing back to the other extreme. Instead, walking the middle path and starting with a couple values feels more manageable. The most crucial things at this moment are: quitting vaping and maintaining my job. The rest can wait, and by wait I mean just that... I'll get to them once I nail the couple things I have chosen for now.
But there's another piece to this. What I need to remember is that quitting is all that's changing here. There is no need to make everything else perfect... Instead that is another setup for failure. Another excuse. "Well... I didn't do it all perfectly so I might as well smoke again." What a load of BS!
So, I come back with an updated perspective. This is not about perfection or changing who I am. This is about my values, and I value my health. My independence. My freedom. My practice. This is the "matter" aspect of things. The "mind" will keep spitting out a bunch of hogwash messages to validate picking up that vape, but as Ex says, all it takes is showing those thoughts to the door.
Yesterday I learned the importance of clarifying values in this process. I think once those are in place and identified, it becomes a lot harder to think up excuses that trump motivations that come from the core of yourself at your best.
So enough back and forthing. I've got my patches, gum, quit-kit, support team, and most importantly my values. There's not a reason, not one, that I can't do this, especially when ya'll are!
Now it's time to rest my 3 AM mind and wake up with a fresh quit date on my side once again. That's the beauty of new days. Chance after chance if we need another. The next time I wake up, I'll choose my lungs. My breath. My life. Over and over. This is a moment by moment thing until it gets a little easier. And like anything, I believe it will. I just need to see it through, now that I have my tricky, excuse-seeking mind taking a back seat. Time to find someone's hand and pledge!