so still wake up at 1:00, 2:00, 3:00am for my “nightly smoke.” I can lay there awake or rush to put on incense and brunch my teeth make chai tea and put on lipstick (hey whatever helps, never wore the stuff before now.) Anyway, this is crazy! I’m 4 days away from a month. Maybe it’s not related to the cigarettes? Yesterday I had to train another organization over Zoom and I put my best into it, had good supplemental cheat sheets, was able to Q&A with their director, but overall no one wants to have to learn something totally new to add on top of their job responsibilities so the audience overall was not enthused and I get that, but I did a really good job, was engaged, was kinda funny and light at times but also very serious, tried to be everything I would imagine a good presenter to be, but as soon as I logged off I wanted to run for my “buddy” the cigarette because I felt this deadly combination of accomplishment and failure. A combination of two big reasons I would totally smoke. I ended up going to bed early to avoid these feelings. I haven’t been fighting/getting through the feelings well, I don’t think. I think I’ve been doing everything I can to avoid them. This does not bode well for my future quit when I can’t just a hide in bed. But so far, I have not smoked in almost 30 days. Mixed feelings right now. I need this quit to stick. My husband is trying, he lasts 4 hours, he asked me, “when do you stop thinking about smoking?” and i thought about it and said “it’s not that i stop thinking about smoking, but start thinking about quitting.” I have to keep that going, my focus on why and how I’m quitting.
